Ask a Zombie/2011
This page is an archive of all Ask a Zombie Editions from 2011.
Ask a Zombie (July 20, 2011)
Dear Zombie,
I like to play on the computer, but I get bored easily. What else can I do over the summer?
- Bored Brain
Dear Bored,
Zombie love summer. Long days are perfect for aimless shuffling around town or on nature trails. You could take in a show (Zombie likes musicals) or go to museum you always say you will but never do. Or sit in back yard and wait for zombie to come over. Please do not wear a hat.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
How do I get my children to eat their vegetables? I want them to eat right but they just don’t seem interested. What can I do?
Signed,
Fretful Mother
Dear Fretful,
Zombie applauds your decision to eat vegetables. It is what they deserve. If your kids were zombie and stupid vegetables kept hitting them in the face, kids would eat vegetables just to make them stop. Vegetables need to know who is the boss (hint: it is not vegetables).
yrs,
Zombie
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There are several “how to survive a zombie apocalypse” guides for sale. I assume that you are an expert, so could you recommend the one most likely to assist me in surviving the aforementioned catastrophe?
Thank you deeply,
A Confused Consumer
Dear A,
Zombie is not gonna sugarcoat it. Only way to survive “zombie apocalypse” (we just call it “Tuesday”) is to join zombies. It is not so hard. When you least expect are ready we will send representative to go over details. Being zombie is pretty sweet deal. We make our own hours and because we are already dead, we save a bundle on health insurance.
yrs,
Zombie
Have question for Zombie? Zombie have answer. Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com. But don’t type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie (August 3, 2011)
Dear Zombie,
Which should I buy first: a cob cannon or a winter melon? I will not attack you unless it is necessary.
Signed, Luke
Dear Everybody,
Zombie getting lot of questions like this. “What is best way to kill zombies?” “How do I stop zombie invasion?” “How I make zombies go away?” Let Zombie answer question with question: Did Trojans aks Achilles to point to his weak spot? Do bad guys ask Superman where to get kryptonite? (FYI, Batman has some “just in case.”) Did Delilah say to Samson “how come you so strong?” Okay, maybe that last one is ungood example, but Zombie think you get the point.
If you need romantic advice (eat brains), help with problem at work (eat brains), want to know if you should buy 3-D TV (no), Zombie happy to help. But zombie not going to tell you how to make ex-zombies. That is comflikt of interest.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Is Bradley Voytek your friend? Do you like neuroscience? Do you think I should aim for a career in neuroscience?
Best Wishes,
A Wannabe Neuroscientist
Dear Wannabe,
Zombie does not know what is that science thing or what is a Bravely Vorbok so zombie look them up. Hang on…
Okay, Zombie know what you are talking about now and am going to save you all that money for grad skool. Here is only thing to know about brains: they are deelishus. Why you want to waste time studying brain when you could be eating it? And peepul say Zombie not very smart. Vardley Borktek have cool lip-beard thing, though. Maybe Zombie grow one, too.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
How do you tell an ugly zombie from a handsome zombie? And how do you compliment them?
Yrs,
Confused Human
Dear Confused Human (Zombie think that is all of you, btw),
Zombie have very simple way to tell them apart. All zombies are handsum. Maybe confused humans not think so but maybe you not as suhfistik sofitsi smrt as zombies. Anyhoo, best way to complimnet handsum zombie is stand perfektly still and when handsum zombie gets close, bow down a little bit and show top of your head. Handsum zombie can take it from there.
yrs,
Zombie
Have question for Zombie? Zombie have answer. Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com. But don’t type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie (August 17, 2011)
Dear Zombie,
My best friend is usually pretty cool but whenever I try to talk to a girl I like he comes around and is totally obnoxious and scares the girl away. How can I make him stop?
Signed,
Stuck in the Middle
Dear Stuck,
You could eat his brainz. But if you are not zombie maybe that is a ungood idea. Does friend like shiny things? Distract him with a piece of alamin alunnim tin foil and he won’t mess up your chances with the ladies anymore. This will work really good if best friend is a cat.
yrs,
Zombie
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Querido Zombie,
Son fanatico del juego y mi mama ya esta desesperada porque no dejo de tararear La musica que ponen en cada nivel. Ya casi estoy como Crazy Dave y me pongo peor porque no tengo ni una planta del jardin zen del acuario. ¿Como le hago para que mi mama me tenga paciencia?
Julián
Preocupaciones Julián,
Lo primero, que Dave Crazy es una mala noticia. Él actúa como si fuera tu amigo, pero no se puede confiar. Ni siquiera se puede encontrar una camisa que se adapte y se cree que puede ayudar? Zombie es vuestro verdadero amigo. En cuanto a la música, dígale a su mamá que se está ejercitando su cerebro y que necesita para mantenerse en forma. Ella va a entender. Por lo tanto tienen una mente grande y fuerte para decir que Crazy Dave ir, porque los zombies están llegando a través de uno quiere decir hola a ellos.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear,
I am contacting you for an important business proposal, therefore applying through this medium to go into joint business investment with you, which i believe will be of benefit to both of us based on your experience. I am a woman with ethics and would need your co-operation. Feel free to write back to me for further clarifications.
Best regards,
Miss. Barbara F. Johnson
Darling,
Thank you for thinking of Zombie and applying through this medium and not talking to anybody else except Zombie about important bizness opporthingity. Zombie not too concerned about “ethics” but mostly becuz Zombie don’t know that is. As long as you agree that Zombie get 60% of the take, it is a no-brainer. HAHA! Do you see what Zombie did there? Call me.
yrs,
Zombie
Have question for Zombie? Zombie have answer. Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com. But don’t type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie (August 31, 2011)
Zombie,
What is your best advice on how to win a spelling bee?
Best regards,
Robert the Soft Toy Hamster
Dear Hamster,
First thing to winning a spellling bee is to maybe not be a hamster. Zombie just spit-balling here. Hamsters only good at running on wheel and soiling wood chips. (Zombie not critt crituh making fun. Hamster is very, very good at those things.) Maybe you win spellimg bee if you be a bee. Get some wings and a stinger (but do not use it because that not going to end good for you) and Zombie bet you will be Scripps winner in no time. Winners get to eat brains of losers, too. That’s what Zombie heard, anyway.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hi Zombie!
So there is this guy that wants orange juice, but I don’t got any. What should I do? I only have sardines and French fries. Got any advice?
<3
-Melanie
Dear Melamine,
Get him juice, chop-chop. Who is going to hoist the mizzen and swab the deck if your crew get scurvy? Sorry, Zombie just assumed you are a sea captain what with the sardines and potatoses but no oranges. Maybe you are waiter. Are you a waiter? There go your tip. If you are not a waiter, tell guy to get his own orange juice. You are busy.
Zombie less than three, too.
yrs,
Zombie
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Help!
My boyfriend won’t play zombie video games with me anymore because they involve killing zombies. I’m beginning to worry that he’s become a zombie activist. How can I fix this??? I need someone I can trust at my back when you try to eat my brains. Also, how do I get my sunflowers to sing for me?
Sincerely,
Perplexed Herbalist
Dear Herb,
Marry him. Then be more like him. Killing zombies bad. As for your sumflowerz. Forget those guys. They do not care about anything but sumflowerz. They not your freind like Zombie is your fremd. You say they give you sun? They just make sun. They not doing it for you. See how they make it even when you do not need anymore? That is not helping. That is biology. Like when dog lick your face. Dog just doing it because you are salty and delicious, not because dog love you. And since you let dog lick your face, why you do not let Zombie to lick your face? Zombie love you. And that’s real.
yrs,
Zombie
Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie (September 14, 2011)
Dear Zawmbee,
I love a girl that loves me. Half a year ago we dated for a week. We ended up when I find out she was cheating me the whole time. I broke up with her, she moved to another city and last month she moved back to my city, we started to talk, and she said I love you. I love her too but I don’t know what to do. Please help.
Sincerely,
Someguy Somewhere.
Dear Someg,
You own your own city? Why you are just telling Zombie now? Where is it? Zombie will be there soon. As for girl, it is hard to know if girl love you for you or for your city management skillz. Give her low-level cabinet post in your administration and if she does not quit or embooz embuz misappropriate city funds, then Zombie think she really love you.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Is it better to rent or own a home?
JuJu
Dear Juju,
That is dilly of a pickle. If you own home, you might think you can spend lots of time making big obstacles to keep zombiez out. I tell you now it not going to work and then you just get cranky because you spend all your money and time on thing that was pointless. So zombie say maybe rent. Landlord not going to let you nail boards on windows so zombies have easier axess and instead of wasting time on stupid projekt, you get weekend to yourself. Just be ready to kiss security deposit bye-bye. Zombie hope this helps.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
How can I tell my boyfriend I love him? Because we have been together for 8-1/2 months now and haven’t told him I love him yet. What do I do?
Yrs
Scared To Death
Dear STD,
Does mall still have that place that make giant cookies? Man, Zombie love that place. Buy boyfriend giant cookie. If that does not send message, wait for him to eat the whole thing then just say the wurds. He will be too sleepy from eating cookie bigger than his head to do anything about it. Win-win!
yrs,
Zombie
Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help.'
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie: 'Advice to the Lovelorn' Edition (September 28, 2011)
Dear Zombie,
I have this strange guy-friend who once said to me that he’d rather date a zombie than me. Then, last week, he asked me out for some random reason, and I said yes. Then we got into a fight, then things went back to normal, with us hating one another. Then he accepts my friend request on Facebook. Please tell me how to deal with him.
Also, why do zombies like brains so much?
Abbey
Dear A Bee.
Wow, sounds like you two is already married. HAHAHA! Zombie made a funny. HAHA! Good one, Zombie. Uh… Sorry, Zombie forgot what was talking about… Let Zombie read that letter again. Blah blah blah guy-friend blah blah date blah blah blah fight blah blah friend blah blah Facebook blah. Okay, Zombie think you like this guy and you should just make him your boyfriend and get it over with.
In re: last question, if you has to ask, you will not ever understand.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
My best friend is mad because Im always busy too busy to text her back. She yells and shouts and screams about how i never respond and I never really have time what do I do? I try to text her but Im always SUPER busy and have no time to respond before shes mad What can I do so I dont lose my friend?
Brandonsgirl225
Dear Ms. 225
Let Zombie spel it out for you:
mabey u shud txt frnd insted uv ritin 2 ZomB
Zombie just saying is all.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I’m falling in love with this girl I met, but she lives like two hours away from me, I’m scared of a long distance relationship, what can I do? you know what people say about long distance relationships, please let me know! use your wisdom!
Signed,
Pansholeene V.
Dear Pansa Pashno Person,
Zombie have a lot of questions. Not sure how you falled for girl who live in the future. Do you have a time machine? Does Future Girl have time machine? Did Future You come back to tell Now You to meet girl in future? That last one always bad. If you see Future You, make sure he don’t kill a butterfly.
yrs,
Zombie
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Memo to “Irritable Ivan”
Zombie has lot of brains to eat letters to read. Please keep shirt on.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie (October 12, 2011)
Dear Zombie,
I just erased a chain-mail about a girl in Australia being eaten by a zombie because she didn’t send the mail to other people, and now I’m scared.
My question is, do you really track those mails to see who sends it and who doesn’t?
Take care, Juandi.
Dear Juandi,
Little knowed fact, Zombie invented internet. Other people say that not true, but other people don’t eat your brainz so who you going to believe? So, yes, Zombie keep track of who obey and who not obey. Why you think Zombie go thru all that trouble to write emailz and send to errybody? You think it just for fun? HAHA, it just for fun really. We going to find you anyway. The email thing is just to mess with you. See you on November 8.
yrs,
Zombie.
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Hello.
My name is Miss Rose, I am a young, beautiful and caring lady. I am so much happy to contact you today because I would like to establish a long lasting relationship with you. I am very much interested in knowing more about you. I will send you my pictures and also tell you more about me if you reply. Remember that distance, age or color does not matter but true love matters a lot in every relationship and also remember that beauty fade, money disappoint, but true love that will exist between you and me will last longer than ever.
Thanks waiting to hear from you today.
love and kisses, yours Rose.
Dear Miss Rose,
You sound like Zombie’s kind of lady. If Zombie not know better, Zombie think Zombie rote that letter Zombie-self. Anyway, Zombie glad you so open-minded (not just becuz it make your brain easier to get to) but sad truth is that Zombie not one-woman kind of Zombie. Zombie gots to run free. Well, not “run” but “shuffle” but Zombie think you picking up what Zombie putting down. I know weird lonely dude with a pot on his head and a bad-fitting shirt. He has beard. You like him. Maybe I forward your email to him.
yrs, (not really)
Zombie
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dear zombie,
lately i feel like my teachers have been treating me differently at school, i don’t really understand why? they use to treat me so good during the first few years, now all of the sudden it is like they hate me. any advice on what i can do to fix this issue?
Dear Guy Who Forgot to Sign Letter and Doesn’t Capitalize Anything,
Zombie think Zombie found problem. Or maybe man just trying to keep you down, man. Whatever. Zombie think you maybe shud cons konz do homework and not try to win popularity contest. That way, you grow nice big brain and isn’t that more important after all? (Note: that is rhetorical question so don’t answer. Wow, now Zombie know why teechurz so cranky all the time.)
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey zombies
Thought i’d ask your help with engineering. I have a terrible time understanding engineering any ways you could help me understand the material better. By the way it’s nuclear mechanical engineering.
Sincerely, Andy
What up andys,
Zombie know a thing or two about nucular mechawhatsit.
1. Explosions = bad.
2. Don’t make explosions.
Just remember them one or two things and you probly be in bizness.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I’m having an argument with my dad. He says that spicy food is great, but I can’t stand the stuff. Am I a weenie or is he a jerk?
-Sean
Dear Sean,
Both.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie (October 26, 2011)
Dear Zombie,
I have three children. I’ve taught them all I know, and still, they know nothing. Will they survive the coming Zombie Apocalypse?
Concerned Mom
Dear Mom,
Do not sell yourself short. Sounds like student is now master.
But to answer your question: No. Nobody going to survive Zombie Apocalypse. Except zombies. Why you think Zombies’s's name is on it? If it called Concerned Mom Apocalypse or Know-Nothing Kid Apocalypse, that would be different. But it is not called those things, is it? No. No, it is not.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey, Mr. Zombie,
Recently, I got a serious problem about dating a girl. She had been avoiding me, and I don’t know why. What should I do so I can date her successfully?
Cheers!
Eddie
Dear Eddie Baby,
It is like poet said (Zombie not remember poet’s name… Tenniselbow or something) “Theirs not to reason why/Theirs but to take a hint and bug different girl.” It possible Zombie is paraphrasing. Anyway, there is a lot of other girl fish in sea. Maybe you think that not so helpful since you are not fish, but maybe you just too picky.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
How come zombie never gives OTHER zombies advice? Why not help your own kind? WHY HELP THE ENEMY? You have betrayed your fellow zombies… Jerk.
Hatefully,
Zombie Fan 101
Dear Angry Guy,
Answering advice question about advice is like Zombie eating Zombie’s own brain, but Zombie going to give try. Zombie not give other zombies advice because other zombies not need it. Real zombies not write all the time aksing “How does zombie invade house?” or “Do I wear cone or bucket?” or “How do I eat brains?”
Zombie know what time it is.
yrs,
Zombie
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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. Srsly.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie... DO IT! (November 9, 2011)
Dear Zombie,
How are you going to kill us all if 2012 comes first? Nobody will be threatened or scared of zombies anymore.
Your Fan,
That Guy That’s Not Afraid Of Zombies Anymore
Dear That Guy,
Zombie think mabey you shud change name to “That Guy What Do Not Know Anything About Synergy.” Zombie and Mayans go way back. Just saying.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I don’t think you’re eating enough fruit.
Yours, Wendell Cobbs
Hello “Wendell,”
First, that not a question. And B, this column for Zombie to give advice to peepul not for to take advice. Zombie especially not take advice from guy named “Cobbs.” You think Zombie not know who this is for reals?
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I fell in love with a boy, but he was younger, so I asked the sister of my best friend, which has the same age as he, to help us begin to speak, but instead, she kissed him, and now they are together, though she did not like him, and speak ill of him to her sister. The worst is that now when she sees me, she laughs at me and I cannot answer because I’m afraid my friend get mad, or he… what should I do?
Thanks for the help,
Crazy cat lady
Dear Lady,
Ooh, Zombie remember this episode of “Melrose Place.” Maybe you should go all Jane and Sydney. Find swimming pool (or lily pond), wait by swimming pool (or lily pond) until sister of best friend come close then make big flying leap and push her in. Some peepul call this the Krystle Carrington, but result is same. Good luck.
yrs,
Zombie
PS. Zombie lawyer says Zombie cannot tell you do to this thing, so Zombie not telling you to do this, okay? Zombie also not NOT telling you to do this so do whatever. This conversation never happened.
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Dear Zombie,
With humanity’s exponentially increasing ease and total mobility of interpersonal communication, increasing accessibility of tactical weaponry (including environmentally conscious bio-weaponry), mass availability of CCTV surveillance and to a lesser extent the availability of unmanned reconnaissance drones, and human society’s general desensitization through modern culture of the undead, the real question is: what fashions will be the hottest trends for this winter season?
Thanks!
Isaac Mezombie
Dear Italkalot,
Stirrup pants. Don’t say Zombie didn’t warn you.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. Srsly.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie: "You Aren't Doing Any Work Today Anyway" Edition. (November 22, 2011)
Dear Zombie,
How is it that zombies are smart enough to break into any building but not smart enough to use the door knob?
Aaron
Dear Aaron,
Zombie sad to hear you not appreciate Zombie’s flare for the dramatic. Door knob is for the weak. Anybody can use door knob. How many peepul you know can pound on door for long time before finally breaking thru? It take patience and skill. Besides, look on peepuls faces is priceless. Totally worth effort.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombies,
Do you think gold is a good investment? Or have I left it too late to buy right now? Thanks.
Sarah
P.S. Sorry my plants offed several of your brethren today.
Dear Sarahs,
You know what is good investment? Beans. Beacuase you can plant them and grow beanstalk to climb up to the sky and then get all the giant’s gold. Much cheaper, better return. Just watch out for giant.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. That going on your permanent record.
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Dear Mr. Zombie,
What is the difference between a vegetarian’s brain and a normal person’s brain?
Alif
Dear Mr. Alif,
This one easy. Answer is in the question.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear zombie,
I’m an uptown girl and I’m looking for a backstreet guy. What should I do?
Hadar
Dear hadar
You never had backstreet guy? Did your momma never told you why? If you know what you want from your time then you already waked up and made up your mind. If you tired of high class toys and prezints from uptown boys, you has a choice. But backstreet guy can’t afford to buy you pearls, unless maybe one day his ship come in.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What’s the square root of 5?
Jonatan
Jonatan,
Square root of 5 is 2.2360679774997896964.
What? Zombie eat a lot of brains. Knowing this stuff is sometimes side effect.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. Srsly.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie, Centennial Edition (November 30, 2011)
Before we begin, Zombie just want to point out – 100th Blog Post! Where is Zombie’s prize?
Okay, onwerd.
_______________________________________
Dear Zombie,
My teenage son hates school and homework but he loves YOU and all your Zombie buddies. Call me crazy, but I want more for his future than just a one-sided relationship with the undead. How can I ensure he won’t become a Zombie-like loser when he fails school because he spends too much time playing Zombie games and not enough time doing his homework?
A Concerned Parent Fighting The Zombification Of His Son,
Christian
Dear Crazy,
Why you gotta hate? Zombie can think of lot of peepul what not finish high skool: Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, Paris Hilton… okay, you know what? Nevermind. Zombie think maybe you right on this one. Tell lousy kid to do stupid homework. That way his brain be more learned and Zombie like to save learned brains for last. They are like brain icing on head cake. That gonna give him an extra day or two at least.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
If you can do the square root of 5 (see last week – Zom. Ed.), why are you enable to write in proper English?
Joshua
Dear Joshua,
Good thing you not live in glass house. Anyway, why you say Zombie “enable” to write proper? Maybe Zombie write good and it evrybody else what doing it wrong? Zombie is the future, Joshua. Get on the trolley.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I’m some good, awful bad, and a lonesome kind of ugly. But, doggonnit, Zombie, I am all the way dead. Seein’ how I can’t get no deader, should I still brandish my shooter?
I remain in remains,
Zomboy Slim
Dear Slim,
Be not so hard on yourself, brother. You has that special kind of beauty that most people confuse with ugly. World just not ready for you yet. Stay strong.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Zombies don’t eat brains, they eat flesh. If you saw the episode of The Walking Dead then you would know. I LOVE THE WALKING DEAD even though the first time I watch it I got scared.
Michelle
Dear Michelle,
Zombie LOVE THAT SHOW too. It is most funnest 60 minutes Zombie spend. But teevee not real, Michelle so who you going to believe? Actual Zombie or teevee zombie?
yrs,
Zombie (a real one)
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Dear Zombie,
Being zombies do you have zombie buddies that you hang out with? Do you guys play games like hide and seek and cards when you are not eating brains?
Love,
Emma
Dear Emma,
Zombie not always have time for games and fun. Looking for brains take more time than you might think. But when zombies have some minutes to spare we always up for Gee-Haw Whimmy Diddle, Huckle Buck Beanstalk or quick game of Quoits (but this one time Zombie step on a hob and it hurt like crazy).
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Our university has this new building called the Brain Health Centre. Just thought you might be interested. Please feel free to drop by anytime.
Sincerely, A Brain-Dead Student University of British Columbia
Dear Stu,
If Zombie had working tear ducts, this letter make Zombie cry. Thank you for looking out for Zombie. This not really question or anything, but that okay. Zombie is going to Canada!
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For reals.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie: "You Think You Pretty Clever" Edition (December 14, 2011)
Dear Zombie,
People say “you are what you eat.” If you eat brains, you’re a brain. So, if you’re a brain, you eat brains and all zombies eat themselves, it means that we’ll never have a Zombie Apocalypse?
Yours,
Hingrid
Dear Hingrid,
Zombie not able to count number of logical fallacies in argument, only little bit beacuase Zombie not very good at counting. “You are what you eat” is just thing what peepul say, it not a real thing. Are you salad? Or fried cheese? Or pickled herring? Nope. To Zombie you are just brain to eat. So maybe saying should be “you are what zombies eat.” Put that in your pipe and smoke it. (That also thing what peepul say. Zombie not telling you to smoke. Pleez, no angry letterz.)
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Aside from staggering after brains, what do you like to do for exercise? And, can you dance as well as they do in the Thriller video?
Yours,
A Zombie Fan
Dear A,
Why you think Zombie need exercise? You think Zombie not look good? You think Zombie fat, don’t you? Ugh. Zombie on feet all day. Walking around looking for brainzs take all of Zombie’s limited enurgy. Zombie work hard. Why you have to come here and make fun? Zombie thought you wuz friend.
As for second part of question, Zombie not know what that is. Zombie maybe used to know but zombie lawyers say to forget that if Zombie know what good for Zombie.
yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie,
My wife has all the brainz she could want, she is very smrt. What can I get her for Christmas?
Signed,
Looking for Gifts
Dear Looking,
Maybe get her new husband who knows what she wants and not have to ask strangers for help? No? Okay, you should buy her notebook and pen so she can make list of what she want and pin it to yer shirt. Let Zombie know how that go.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
There is something about zombies that has always confused me. Zombies eat brains. Even you have stated this. And this apparently turns the victim into a zombie as well. However, I have also heard it said that the easiest way to kill a zombie is a headshot (I would not do this, by the way). Implying that damage to the brain is the best way to kill a zombie. But the brain has already been damaged through having chunks bitten off. This seems contradictory. So how does it actually work?
One Confused Individual
Dear One,
Zombie is riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a nice suit. And this just how Zombie like it. While you standing there trying to figure out which way wind is blowing, Zombie walk up to you without you notice and BAM. You not have to think about it anymore.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
There is some debate about where zombies might not go. Some say the arctic, because frozen zombie = gigantic paperweight. Others say the bayou, since zombie + alligator = fat and happy alligators. Some even say high deserts, because zombie + dessication = 20 lb weakling zombie. What do you think, is there anywhere on earth where zombies just plain don’t want to take their chances?
Daniel
Dear Daniel,
Who am having this debate? Why Zombie not invited to take part? It upset Zombie that errybody having konf canfr meetings about zombies and not aksing zombies to come. Zombie can clear up cornfusion real quick. Zombie go where there be brains. The End. Islands maybe take a little longer beacuase not all zombies know how to drive boats, but for most part we go where brains is. Zombie know you think there is way to avoid Zombie, but you just prolonging teh inevitable.
yrs,
Zombie
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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For reals.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.