Ask a Zombie/2013
This page is an archive of all Ask a Zombie editions from 2013.
Note: several answers originally contained images that can no longer be accessed and were not properly archived.
Ask a Zombie: "That Jackpot Question" Edition (January 2, 2013)
Hey Zombie,
You make any New Year resolutions?
Sincerely,
Sue Denim
Dear Fake Name,
Zombie not make any New Year resomolutions. Here is why. On last day of old year, Zombie step in dog doo. Then on first day of new year, Zombie step in dog doo again. Besides being way upsetting to delicate Zombie sensibilities, it potent symbol of passing of time. Everybody talking about new beginnings and brighter tomorrows but Zombie knows… it all the same dumb day.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
My boyfriend sometimes complains about me smelling bad. I don’t like it! Could you eat his brains or at least scare him once? He knows I’m on your side.
Sincerely,
Nita
Dear Nita,
Or maybe Zombie call you Nita Shower. See what Zombie did there? Har har. Zombie think Zombie pretty funny. Anyway, “smelling bad” is kinda difficult to define. Do you smell like lilacs? Zombie hate lilacs. If you smell like lilacs then Zombie think maybe this “boyfriend” is on to somedthing. But Zombie not know what you smell like so not sure what to suggest. What is something “boyfriend” like? Do he like the football? Maybe you make yourself smell like a locker room. Does “boyfriend” like cars? Rub an old tire on your neck to smell like best part of car. Maybe he like video games? Stick a couple quarters in your armpits so you smell like a arcade. Do peepul still go to arcades? Or maybe just wear baloney sandwich around yer neck. Dudes love baloney sandwiches. Look, point is that possibilities are nigh-endless. Up to and including getting new “boyfriend.”
yrs,
Zombie
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Dearest Zombie,
I love you zombie. Can we get married?
-Ash
Dear Ash,
Yes, but only in certain countries and parts of Brazil, Mexico and the United States.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Which would you prefer, a Vampire brain or a Werewolf brain?
Ben
Dear Ben,
Vampire for sure. Not because Vampire brain is expecially tasty or nothing but it would mean one less vampire wandering around, reciting poetry and constantly fishing around for compliments. Vampires are super needy and only happy when everybody telling them how good looking they be. It get old fast. Werewolfen are awesome. If’n you wants to party, party with a Werewolf. They not have much brain (which is maybe other reason Zombie prefer Vampire brain) but they loads of fun at cookouts. Terrible drivers, though, so never accept rides from them.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I am afraid of the dark and spiders. Do you have any suggestions to help me overcome my fears?
Also, I was wondering what your biggest fear is.
Thanks ^_^
-Paranoid
Dear P,
Nope. Fear is good for you. Why you want to overcome fear of dark and spiders? Oh… hold on a second… Zombie see what this is. You think maybe you can hide from Zombie in crawlspace under house but it all dark and full of spiders. How about instead of overcoming fear you just get a broom and sweep under there. Zombie will wait. No, no, it cool. Go ahead. Zombie know where you gonna be. No hurry. This is Zombie. Just waiting. Zombie have all day.
yrs,
Zombie
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A new year means all new advice from Zombie.
Write to ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Get advice at its freshest!
Ask a Zombie: "The River is Just a River" Edition (January 16, 2013)
Dear Zombie.
I’m having a little dilemma: I absolutely loathe the amount of video games and movies based on Zombies, but I love the game you’re in. How can I look forward to Plants vs. Zombies 2 without feeling hypocritical?
Silverfluff
Dear Fluffy,
You can’t. All is lost, pal. You is a sellout and a bad person.
Nah, Zombie just joshing. You know who is paying attention to this weird standard you set for yourself? Nobody. You don’t gots to like or not like all of alike things all the time. Like what you like, yo. It okay for to like some Zombie stuff but not all of it. Zombie like a good show tune but not so crazy about Les Mis. It not make Zombie hipp hypak flaky, it just mean Zombie a little bit discerning. And that Les Mis has serious structural issues that get ignored because of a coupla pretty songs. But the movie is okay ‘cuz it gots Anne Hathaway and she got a brain Zombie wouldn’t mind gnawing on.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
How did you turn into a zombie? I was just thinking that it might be cool to be a zombie! What do you recommend? Also, are you the only zombie who can type?
Thanks,
Isa
Dear Isa,
Like the sun, Zombie just is. Probly some scientist be able to tell you how sun just is but science is not Zombie’s point. Zombie not Mister Wizard, okay? Zombie has soul of a poet. Probly from that one time Zombie ate brain of a poet. Zombie lifestyle hazard. What is Zombie to do? Anyhoo, if youse thinks maybe you wants to be a zombie, Zombie recommend a good pair of shoes. You gonna has to do a lotta walking. Also some peepulz put spikeweed on the ground they think they so clever. But if you think you gonna just be a Zombie and start your own advice column, go pound sand. This corner is all full up.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I’m planning on throwing a party, I don’t know what dishes I can make with Squash, Mushrooms, Peas, and maybe jalapenos. Have any Ideas? Also I would like to hire dance zombie as entertainment for guests. BTW if dance zombie comes, tell him to avoid my neighbor.. he’s slightly crazy…
-Sincerely
Funny Frog
Dear Frog,
Know what you can make with squash, mushrooms, peas and maybe jalapenos? Garbage. That is what you can make with squash, mushrooms, peas and maybe jalapenos. They are not fit to eat and Zombie been made to eat a lot of ‘em so Zombie know of what Zombie speak. Zombie wonder who you hate enough to invite to a party what is gonna have them to eat. And just so’s you know, Dancer Zombie not never go noplace without him entourage. So if you think you gonna get, like, one Dancer Zombie, be ready for him to bring eight or eleven of his pals. That just how Dancer Zombie roll.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Zombie,
What happens to Zombies who eat brains that have Mad Cow Disease?
Joseph
Hey Joe,
Zombies what eat cow brains get suspended from Zombie Club until the Board of Zombie Directors decides they has been punished enough for eating something besides regular peepul brainz. Suspension lasts a coupla weeks becuz that how long it takes cow-brain-eating zombie to get right and stop insisting errybody listen to his Frank Zappa records.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie.
My boss has me working the graveyard shift and I hate it. On my days off I’m up all night and can never sleep during the day. It’s leaving me feeling very brain-dead. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Your Pal
Dear Zombie Will Decide Who Am Zombie Pal And Who Not,
Sounds like you on your way to becoming a zombie. Congratumalashuns. Check mail for Zombie Welcome Kit which should arrive in the next two to six weeks. Zombie not have a lot of time to get to the post office so just be patient. Next step is to eat boss’s's brain. Or just chew it up and spit it out. Sounds like it might be a little gamey and don’t nobody like that.
yrs,
Zombie
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Are you all, like, “Oh I have a thing and I don’t know what to do about it!”?
Because Zombie is all, “Zombie can help you with that.”
But you have to write to Zombie first.
So write. [email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "How Do You Keep a Wave Upon the Sand?" Edition (January 30, 2013)
Hello Zombie,
What is Zombies favorite sport? I see Zombies as baseball fans, because the players are slower, but maybe I’m wrong?
Sincerely,
Joltin’ Joe
Hey Joe,
It sort of true that Zombie like baseball. Mostly cuz baseball attract a lotta eggheads and that makes for some good eatings. Also, lot of guys sitting on bench for most of game and they is easier to catch. But Zombie on the move a lot and doesn’t get much chance to rest (that why Zombie not like the hoops or the soccer – way too much runnings) so for most oper upper chances to stand around a lot, Zombie gots to say football is where it is at. Most peepulz don’t notice cuz there is once in a while fits of action, but most of time guys just standing around adjusting their pants and waiting for somebody to do something. Also, way more guys hanging out on sidelines. It like a Zombie biff bufe smorgasbord.
Entres nous, Zombie love Superbowl time too because peepulz get together to watch on the tee-vee and eat themselves into stupor. Easy pickins for Zombie!
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-
Do zombies actually listen to the great band, The Zombies?
Tell me yes!
-Rod
Dear Rod,
No. No. No. No no no no no. No. No. Man, talk about false advertising. There not even one zombie in that band. Zombie gonna get Zombie Lawyer in on this one. Zombie not want Zombie name besmirched by pasty guys with moppy hair-dos. If they had different name like “Chatterley” or “The Gamekeepers” then they not have a problem with Zombie. But they made their choice and now it is on. Oh yes, Zombie is surprisingly litigious.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Who would win in an underwater knife fight, a grizzly bear or Batman?
Curiously,
Adam
Dear Adam,
Zombie not really have any money, but if Zombie had any money, Zombie money would be on the Batman. Batman is master strategist who engages in combat with surgical precision. Grizzly bear is a bear. Sure bear is bigger and have longer reach but while bear is splashing around wondering why it is underwater and wondering what the metally thing is what is in its paw, Batman going to use one of seven methods to defeat Mr. Bear. Three of them disarm with minimal contact. Three of them kill. The other hurts. And since the Batman morally opposed to killing (though he not always stop dudes from plummeting to their doom, just sayin’) Zombie think he going to deliver a mighty blow to Bear’s squishy parts and swim away while Bear howling in rage and swimming to surface.
Please note, if Batman v. Bear Underwater Knife Fight taking place in 1975, Batman would do whole thing with his shirt off.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
My co-workers are driving me to drink – what would you suggest I drink to forget about work?
Cheers!
Artie
Dear Artie Baby,
How about you drink a big cup of coffee at a new job? That going to work for you? Okay, so you is stuck.
Zombie heard about a drink called the Zombie that you could drink. It not made out of zombies but some peepul say it turn you into one. If so, you are in luck because drink will make you smrter and more handsomer than normal dudes. Have a coupla those.
yrs,
Zombie
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Does your brain hurt?
Dump all your brain problems on Zombie.
Write to [email protected].
Zombie very good at what Zombie does.
Ask a Zombie: "Advice to the Lovelorn" Edition (February 13, 2013)
It Valentyme Day! Almost! Zombie going to answer your romantical queries. Yer welcome!
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Dear Zombie,
I was wondering, do Zombies attempt to find love the same way people do? If you wanted a girlfriend (or had one) would you buy her chocolate, send her flowers and take her out to dinner in a nice restaurant? Or would you find her some nice brains or something?
Sincerely,
Miss Zombie Love
Dear Missy,
Zombie sometimes use them things what you mention but not for “love” in the traditional, regulation human sort of way. Chocolate is pretty good for baiting traps, so sometimes zombie put that by door and when peepul come out to get it – MUNCH! As for sending flowers, anything what cause massive and pointless destruction of plants zombie is in full support of. Sometimes Zombie order a bunch of flowers and send them to fake address. Plants think they going someplace nice but it not true! HAHA! Too late for you, ugly plants. And the nice thing about nice restaurants is everybody all logy from food and junk and get all googly from feeling romantical and the lights are all dim so they not even see zombie coming.
So, yeah… Zombie not mind Valentime’s Day so much.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
About giving hearts for Valentine’s Day: must they be made of chocolate?
Yours,
I Have Two Refrigerators
Dear You,
Nope.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I recently turned 29, and I’m still single. I’m not sure why—I’m attractive, intelligent, healthy, and a good person. My mother recently pointed out that there are like 25 men for every 1 woman in the state of Alaska, so maybe I should try living there for a while. What do you think?
I do look pretty in a parka, if that helps.
A Sadly Still-Single Lady
Dear SSSL,
Zombie not know a ton about Alaksaka but got some questions that maybe help you come to decision. How many of the 25 men is not already dating that 1 woman? Assuming you is at least a tiny bit diss disk picky, of those remaining how many is going to be within acceptable tolerances, age-wise? Of that number, how many is going to has seen a woman in the last 5 years and will know how to talk to you and not just point and grunt? Zombie think we prolly down to, like, 3 or 5 dudes now. And of them dudes how many is going to see you for the special flower that you are and not just somebody to darn their socks? Maybe 2? You can prolly find 2 guys where you already at. Also, it dark a lotta the time there so if you go in the winter mabey you not get a good look at anybody. And then come summer time it get light alla time and you not gonna be able to stop looking at them so…
Zombie say, stay put. Some lucky dude gonna figure you out. Then maybe you go to Alaksma together and you can be all “You had your chance, 25 dudes! You had your chance!”
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What are your favorite romantic songs for Valentine’s Day? Like, top 5.
Love,
Casey
Dear Casey,
Zombie gots pretty ect ek varied taste in muziks so it hard to pick just 5. But Zombie sometimes like to do what Zombie told so here goes. Zombie Top 5 Romantical Type Songs in Backwards Order:
5. Party All the Time – Eddie Murphy
4. Let Her In – John Travolta
5. Don’t Give Up On Us, Baby – David Soul
6. Heartbeat – Don Johnson
2. Think it Over – Cheryl Ladd
1. Bridge Over Troubled Water – Jim Nabors
Is that 5? Zombie not good at counting.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-
Are you in touch with Zombie Shakespeare? If so, could you ask him to write me a sonnet for Valentine’s Day? I really think “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? / Thou art more lovely and more temperate?” is a bit ooky, but I’m happy to give him another chance.
Thanks,
Needs Poetry in Life
Dear Needy,
Zombie Shakespeare wanted you to know that he not write sonnets on spec, but was feeling the spirit of the season so agreed to drop this’n on you. Be sure to write Zombie Shakes a nice thank you note.
What thinkest thou a zombie know of love,
When in that bosom’s heart no rhythm keep.
Endeavor now zombie unto you prove
With simple words from which the angels weep.
Your brain as pink as summer’s sweetest flow’r
Does give one cause to traverse many miles.
Tho’ never knowing precisely which the hour
‘Twill eat posthaste not throw upon the pile.
And when ’tis done and matter all consum’d
Yon shambling ghoul will take unto its rest.
And finding not a word to rhyme “consum’d”
Will cheat a bit. Mock not. For you it’s best.
Affairs of heart do cause not else but pains.
The zombie practiced, knows to stick to brains.
yrs,
Zombie (and Zombie Shakespeare)
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Have a question for Zombie?
Send it this way: [email protected]
Zombie is good at answering questions.
Ask a Zombie: "Clankum and Bankum" Edition (February 27, 2013)
Zombie,
Why do you keep coming onto my lawn and trying to eat my brains? Stay off my lawn! Not only this, you keep getting sploded by my taters. Why you no learn? You figure with all these brains you get you’d use new brain and replace old brain!
PS: I tried letting you in last time for a game of checkers but you only ate my brains again.
PPS: I don’t know how I get my brain back after you eat it or if it’s even mine anymore. Maybe I’m part Zombie.
Lightesword
Dear Larper,
Why do the sun shine? Why do that dog always chase the car? Why you put two PS in your letter? Why you put them before your name? Why you not study your Emily Post? Why you need a PS in an email anyway? Why you think Zombie collecting brains to use in Zombie head and not for to put in Zombie stomach? Why you think you can beat Zombie at checkers? Why you think you are Zombie? You think a Zombie not know how to write a proper letter? Are you trying to offend Zombie? Why are you not answering Zombie?
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I have a zombie best friend that is like so slow and always left behind me in every way except during lunch time. We are in the same class and always together because we are best friends. What should I say to this zombie friend of mine so she can be faster and I won’t need to worry about her not getting the brains quickly like I do?
Thank you and I wish you a brainful day.
‘Urhhhhh’ from Switzerland,
The Fast Cute Zombie
OMZ!
Like, okay, like, okay, wait… Okay. Zombie is trying to remember that saying… “Early worm get eaten by bird” or something. On one hand it kind of nice that you thinking of friend like that but on different part of hand (sorry, Zombie can’t find other hand today) if your zombie friend not so quick maybe that is not a problem for you. Zombie not want to get all objectivist on you but you maybe not reps risp on the hook for friend’s happiness. Let friend get her own brains. Maybe if she too slow and not get to brainz then next time she will be faster.
Urhhhhh yourself.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Zombie,
I’m wondering what I can do to stop these constant headaches I’m having. Do you know how to stop it?
Signed, Not signed
Dear Whoever,
Maybe your hat is too tight? Zombie not know. You are not giving Zombie a lot to go on here. Best remedy that Zombie know for headache is to take off your shoes and then kick the coffee table really hard by accident. Then headache probly not going to bug you so much anymore.
yrs, Zombie
P.S. Zombie lawyer said Zombie cannot tell you to kick the coffee table. So do it or don’t, but just know that Zombie never said nothing.
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Dear Zombie,
I’m going to audition for a TV singing competition, and I can’t decide what to sing to try to make the judges turn their chairs around for me. Any suggestions? I was thinking Ordinary People by John Legend or Chasing Pavements by Adele, but I’m sure you could come up with something better.
Yours, Billy
What up, Billy?
Zombie think you gots to go with something more upbeat. If’n you sing one of them two songs, judges going to fall asleep in chairs before they can decide to turn around or not. Maybe sing something more peppy, like “Yankee Doodle Dandy” or “Jive Talkin’.” Ooh! Ooh! Zombie got it now. Sing “Rime of the Ancient Mariner” by Iron Maiden. Because Zombie notice distinct lack of 13-minute metal versions of Samuel Taylor Coleridge poems on modern karaoke shows. Also, make sure you play lots of air guitar. And don’t stop even when they ask you to. You won’t be sorry.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hi Zombie,
Why you talk like this?
Yours,
ME
Dear ME (meaning “you”),
Why you gotta make fun of Zombie? Zombie has feelings, too. Now Zombie going to sit here and pout until you apologomize.
yrs,
Zombie
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Send your questions, concerns or complaints (no, forget that last one. Zombie doesn’t want to hear it)
to: [email protected]
Your questions will help keep Zombie off the streets.
Do it for Zombie.
Ask a Zombie: "Fame or Notoriety?" Edition (March 13, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
Do you eat all kinds of brains? I can make you a brain out of broccoli. Will you eat it? Or do you only like human brains?
Love,
Konrad (7 years old)
Hey Konrad,
Do you like ice cream? Zombie make you some ice cream out of broccoli. You wants to eat it? Do you like skateboards? Zombie can make a skateboard out of broccoli. Will you ride it? Do you like video games? Zombie make you one out of broccoli. Want you to play it? Do you like fun things? Zombie just give you a bunch of broccoli and say “Look Konrad! Broccoli is a fun thing now!” Will you believe Zombie? No. Zombie not think you would. Why would you give Zombie broccoli? Sheesh, Konrad. It like you not even know Zombie any more.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Do you have a cool catchphrase like “I pity the fool” or “Whatchu talkin’ ’bout Willis?” Can you tell I grew up in the ’80s?
I’ll be back. (See what I did there?)
Ray
Hey Hey Hey,
Nope. Zombie not see what you did there. Anyway, Zombie tried a few kac cats slogans over the years but then somebody always say it taken. “Kiss Zombie Grits” was in play for a while until TV waitress started calling. Zombie learned hard way that “Sit on it!” was taken (also super not comfortable). Same for “Up your nose with a rubber hose.” For a while, Zombie tried “We were on a break!” but Zombie did not have a girlfriend so that one did not make sense and it was also really annoying. Anybody still using “Nanu nanu”?
Zombie out.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What if we were all once zombies, but there was a human apocalypse?
:O
Dear Colon-o
What is all this talk of “apocalypse”? Zombies not trying to end world. Zombies just here to eat your brains. It is humans making a big deal out of it with all the fighting and running and building bunkers. Zombies not hate humans. Zombies love humans. Why that so hard to get through your surprisingly delicate skulls?
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Why do you eat brains and I hate your guts.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear Me (not Zombie, but you Me… this one getting confusing),
‘K, Zombie trying to find the question in there. Zombie eat brains because they are delishuz and you hate zombie guts because you got some sadness in your heart. Just tell yourself only way someone can break u is if u let them. U just gotta smile sometimes. TODAY is a GREAT DAY! i love my #beliebers – relax. i always got you. always gonna be there. much… Wait a second. Okay, sorry. Zombie was reading Justin Beeber twitter and getting confused. Nevermind. Zombie think you are a gut-hater ‘cuz Zombie is so handsum.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Why zombies are green? Why zombies aren’t Blue?
-Sayhan
Dear Sayhan,
Zombie used to be blue but then got some Zombie sertraline and things looking up. Thanks for checking in.
yrs,
Zombie
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Have a question for Zombie?
Better ask soon.
Send to [email protected]
Unless you are that place that keeps trying to sell Zombie airplane insurance.
If you are that place, knock it off.
Ask a Zombie: "With All the Frills Upon It" Edition (March 29, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
I want to know how are you alive because you are dead and you live off of brains? I am sorry to tell you but you are jacked up and do not write a “smart” response cause you are supposed to have a brain to make SMART comment right?
from
???? (you will never find out who i am cause u stupid)ha ha
Dear Zoe,
You know how when you make a email address and you has to put your name in there? Yeah, Zombie can totally see that. Do you own that glass house or just rent?
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Do you have meeting before you attack house, or do you barge right in?
From,
John
Dear John,
Zombie not have time for Robert’s Rules of Order, if that what you mean. Zombie not trying to be rude but when there is job to be done, Zombie not have time to get all hung up on yur bourgeois notions of politeness. Zombies understand the mission: get in, get brains, get out. Somebody try to get you to jump through a lotta hoops just some guy trying to hide the fact that he not have enough to do at work. Don’t waste a lotta time on that guy.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I have got 8 questions to you at once.
The first is: Why are you communicating with us using notes? Can’t send some kind of a diplomatic Zombie?
The second is: What’s all the grammatical mistakes for?
The third is: There are so many kinds of Zombies. For what?
The fourth is: How do you get all those Yeti Zombies?
The 5th is: How did it happened that firstly you try to eat our brains, and then you say that the only thing you need is to make a music video, and then this pattern loops?
The 6th is: As I understand, you eat our brains. We then become Zombies. We eat other brains. AND, what happens when all of us are Zombies, and there are no brains left?
The 7th is: How to protect my brains from you?
And the final question is: I assume you have a little amount of brains left. DID IT EXPLODED AFTER READING AND ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS?
Sincerely yours,
Danya
Dear Danya,
Pardon if Zombie answer thems one at a time.
1. Zombie not have time for diplomacy. Especially since in Zombie experience, peepul “diplomacy” usually take form of running and screaming and trying to hit Zombie with a brick.
2. Tee hee. Zombie see what you did there.
3. Zombie also not have time for your philomosophical conundra. Every snowflake is unique and precious, etc.
4. They just showed up one day so we figured, why not let ‘em stay? Besides, nobody brave enuf to aks them to leave.
5. From the day we arrive on the planet and, blinking, step into the sun, there’s more to see than can ever be seen, more to do than can ever be done. There’s far too much to take in here. More to find than can ever be found. But the sun rolling high through the sapphire sky keeps great and small on the endless round. It’s the circle of life and it moves us all through despair and hope, through faith and love ’til we find our place on the path unwinding in the circle… the circle of life.
6. That will never happen so Zombie not going to worry about it. Also, global warming is a myth and the moon landing was faked.
7. This one is conflict of Zombie interest. So Zombie just going to say “you cannot.” See you soon.
8. Hang on, Zombie will check (hmm hmm hmm doody doody doo…). Nope. Zombie all good.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Zombie,
My cubicle neighbor reads your Blog daily. He loves it. Here’s the thing; he has bad gas and those of us who sit around him are his daily victims. I know he will read this so please help with any advice for his bad flatulence.
Thanks in advance,
Big fan of Plants vs. Zombies
Dear Biggie,
You gonna be a big baby? Why you gotta rain on this cat’s parade? Maybe problem is your attitude. Why not find out what he eats for lunch and join the party ‘stead of being all judgy? Why he gotta bend to your will? Zombie say load up on whatever neighbor guy is putting in his body and go to town! Sure Zombie not have a lotta olfactory receptors left so Zombie not share your problem exackly but, jeezy creezy, live a little.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombies,
We at Zombie Airplane Insurance give you guys one last offer. If you consider insuring yourselves, then we will give you 13 brains a day for free!!!
Please kindly oblige.
Faithfully,
The ZAI Guys
PS. contact us at zombieairplaneinsurance@spammer’sparadise.com. We won’t spam you.
Dear Lying Liars,
Zombie not really have anything to say except that it nice to know somebody reading Zombie column all the way to the end.
yrs,
Zombie
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Questions? Problems? Not sure what to have for lunch?
Zombie answers all questions. Okay, maybe most questions.
Seriously, if you can’t figure out your own lunch maybe your problems start deeper than we first thought.
Anyway, take a chance. Zombie just wants to help.
Ask a Zombie: "And That Rhymes with P" Edition (April 10, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
Why do you eat the plants? They are cute.
Jamie
Dear Jamie,
Zombie eat plants because plants insist on getting in the way. Zombie not want to eat plants but Zombie is faced with a choice and has to make choice that is good for Zombie. So now Zombie have question for you. Why you eat cute things? Zombie assume you eat plants. Do you only eat ugly plants? Who is to say which plant is ugly? Somebody must think Brussels sprouts are adorbs. Is Jamie arbiter of plant comeliness? Does Jamie only eat meat? Is not meat cute before it is meat? Does Jamie know what Jamie is doing to insides by only eating meat? You has a lot to answer for Jamie. Don’t come at Zombie all demanding answers. Zombie not on trial here.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I’m looking to change jobs soon, and I was wondering: would zombie be a good career choice? What is your average work week? How good are your benefits? Is part-time work available?
Many thanks.
-Kendrick
Dear -Kendrick,
If -Kendrick not mind being on the move a lot, zombie is pretty good gig. Zombie is Zombie own boss. Zombie work when Zombie wanna work. Zombie get to wear this smart tie alla time. Not have time for a lotta relashunships but Zombie got used to that since errybody mostly just run and scream when Zombie come up driveway. Pay is mostly just whatever deelishuz brains you can find, but Zombie not got a lotta needs so it works out pretty good. Zombie gonna come over and sign you up eventually anyway so why waste any more time? How is next Friday for you?
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I’ve got to write a 3000 word essay about Zombies in pop culture for University. Have you got any ideas for points I could make or any advice for me?
Sincerely,
Quinn (20½ years old)
Dear Quinn,
Zombie love eggheads! So yummy… Anyway, Zombie recommend starting with strong opening paragraph about influence of zombies across multiple genres. Include snooty references to comic books but call them ‘graphic fiction’, promise to compare the combined influences of George and Cesar Romero, and make sure to use a lotta words like “dichotomy” and “paradigm”. Then rewrite opening paragraph and use it to explain all the great stuff you just did in the essay. Stick that on the last page. Then, and this is the important part, go photocopy a bunch of pages out of some book at the liberry and shove them all in between the two paragraphs. Dirty secret of college – oh, excuse me “University” – is that you do all that work and nobody pay attention. Adjunk professor too busy to read 3,000 words and tenured professor is having drinks with the department chair and is just going to make TA grade your paper. Buy TA dinner and tell him your essay is subversive act designed to point out inequalities in University system. Instant A.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
if a zombie bites a human he becomes a zombie but what if a vampire bites a zombie and then the zombie bites human? does he become a zombie or a vampire….. or a zom-pire?
Sincerely,
Cameron
Dear Cameron,
If a vampire bites a zombie the vampire gets a rap in the snotlocker. Then the zombie bites the human and all is right in the world. Vampires know better by now.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Confidential to “Madison”
Chaucer! Rabelais! Balzac!
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Zombie is on vacation. But he’ll be back before you know it and he’ll want more questions to answer. If he doesn’t have more questions to answer he’s going to pout for days. Please don’t make us have to deal with a sad Zombie. Nothing is sadder than a sad Zombie.
Write to: ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Ask a Zombie: "How Much Nezzar Could a Nebuchadnezzar?" Edition (April 24, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
Do you have a Zombie family? Is it the same family you had before you became a Zombie or did you create a brand new family once you became a Zombie.
Thank you for your time.
Lauren
Dear Lalahalahalal,
Zombie just is. There was no “before” Zombie. This am who Zombie am, as it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Ramen. Sorry, Zombie forgot what Zombie was saying. Anywayz, Zombie part of what some might call “non-trad family.” Which is to say it just a bunch of zombies who kinda hang out sometimes but otherwise stay out of each other’s bizniss. So it superior to more regalur type family in many ways. Best part is Zombie not has to share a bathroom with other zombies so there are never any grody toothpaste blobs left in the sink.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Hey, Zombie!
Do you watch the Annoying Orange?
Signed, Josh
Dear Josh,
Which one? Hahahahahah! Zombie make a funny. All oranges are annoying. For that matter all fruits are annoying. Ditto vegetables. Zombie think Josh know where Zombie going with this. Why would Zombie watch piece of fruit that go out of its way to be extra obnoxious? Regalur fruits doing it fine without him.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
dear zombie my friend says that u r stupid I dissagree can u halp me tell her that what do I say.
Lexi
Dear Lexi,
You can’t fight Philistines. Unless you are King David. Or the Assyrians. Or possibly Sargon the Great. If you are any of them guys you can probly lick Philistines pretty good. Otherwise you just gots to walk away. Or, better yet, stick your fingers in your ears and run away while shouting “NANANA I’M NOT LISTENING I’M NOT LISTENING NANANANANA!”
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I’ve noticed Dr. Zomboss likes to write in cursive. Do you and the Dr. agree it is redicilous teachers are no longer even trying to teach kids cursive?
Sincerely,
Bejeweler
Dear Bejewjeler,
It almost as bad as not teaching kids proper spelling. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Zombie make another funny. See, because you spell ridicleous wrong. HAHAHAHAHAHA! Dang. Zombie forgot what Zombie was talking about again. It spring time and Zombie fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love. Tra-la-la.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Hi Zombie,
Did you have a good vacation? Where did you go? I didn’t get a postcard. 
With love and respect,
Christine
Dear Christine,
Zombie went to that place that has that thing. You know the one? They do that thing there with the thing? Anyway, errybody really seem to like it. It was pretty good. Zombie had nice postcard for you but ate the stamp. Didn’t mean to but now stamps already have sticky junk on them and Zombie not know that so Zombie go to lick it and it stuck to tongue. It did not taste so bad. Anyway, Zombie still have postcard and will bring it when I come to your place on (checks datebook) July 12.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
And all Zombie wanted to say
And all Zombie gotta do
Who’d Zombie do this for
Hey, Zombie or you?
So send your questions already: ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com
Ask a Zombie: "Standing on the Corner Watching All The Girls Go By" Edition (May 8, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
I have, as of late, grown increasingly bored. I’ve been making stuffed animals with felt but am fresh out of ideas! What do you think that I should make? Or should I just do something completely different, like draw or read or something?
What do you do when you’re bored? Or is eating brains such an entertaining occupation that you’re not concerned with how you spend your time?
Hoping for an answer,
Joy P.
P.S. Which do you hate more, pea shooters or cherry bombs?
Dear Joypi,
Maybe you wanna try making stuffed animals out of other things. Banana peels, small rocks, paper bags, French horns… that sort of thing. Don’t limit yourself. Why not draw and read and … something. Eel fighting, wolverine manicurist, floral dentistry… or, y’know, whatevs. Maybe just read a real boring book and then all that other stuff gonna seem exciting again.
Zombie not really have time to get bored. Besides, you would be surprised how many different ways people go “AAIIEEE!” when they see Zombie coming. It never get old.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. They are both jerks.
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I almost had my brains eaten, but I decided to show the zombie the closest people who had Undefended lawns, and they were happy. I decided to make peace with them by showing them other people’s brains. Anyway, you guys are mostly happy with me ever since I gave you brains and changed my cruel, plant friendly ways. I decided to eat plants for zombies so they didn’t have to eat them, and Those pea shooters can’t hurt me. Are my brains still at risk?
Hunter (of brains)
Dear Hunter,
Are your brains still at risk? In a word: totally. Nobody likes a suck-up.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Hey! Speaking of suck-ups!
Dyr Zombie,
Zombi myght cal Vampire stupid, but do difrent brans typs tast beter than othyrs? Sometims king blood tastes beter than dyrty pesent blood. Dysgustyng!
Yrs,
Vampire
Dear Vampire,
How many times Zombie has to tell you? Do not bother Zombie at work! But since you and Zombie am here, Zombie have a question for you? Why Vampire such a snob? This is you, “Ooh, I am all fancy and not want to drink yucky poor peepul blood. What will the Dowager Countess say? Oh heavens, I seem to have come all over with the vapors! (faints)” You only eat one thing, dude. You cannot afford to get all choosy.
Now get back up your tree.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Hello, my name is Lynn and I am quite impressed that you know how to use the computer! Tell me, how did you learn to use the computer? Was it easy or hard with your brainless head? I’m not being rude or anything, but I’m curious 
and one more thing, I think you should eat meat. :p
Yours sincerely,
Lynn
Dear Lynn,
Zombie will decide who is being rude and who isn’t. Anyway, Zombie just take “How to Internet” course from Video Professor and rest is easy! HAHAHAHAH! Just kiddings. Zombie not fall for that. Anyway, Zombie got one of them Gateway jobbies. The box looks like a cow! It have everything a zombie need.
In spare time Zombie trying to build old-timey Difference Engine but all them Steampunk kids keep buying gears and junk to glue to their outfits.
Zombie should eat meat? What you thingk brains is?
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Hungry, too, I reckon
Sloee1
Dear Somebody Who Is Clearly Trying to Avoid a Reading Assignment,
Zombie rest a while and go on. Zombie ain’t afeared of the dark.
Now get back to work. Huckleberry not going to read himself.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Hey there, Zombie guy,
Swinging down the street so fancy free.
Nobody you meet could ever see
The loneliness there inside you.
Help Zombie help you.
Send your question to ZombieAdvice (at) PopCap.com
Ask a Zombie: “Adventures in Wonderland (Revere, MA)” Edition (May 22, 2013)
Dear Zombie-
Knock knock!
Who’s there?
India
India who?
India-vent you don’t pack a sandwich, we can pick up tacos!
Good, right?
Felicia Felix-Mentor
Dear Mrs. Huxtable,
See, how this thing work is, you aks Zombie a thing and then Zombie answer that thing. Zombie not really know what to do with this one because you already answered. Do you even need Zombie here? Anyway, tacos is more of a peepul thing and not a zombie thing. Oh, unless youse is talking about tacos de sesos. Then Zombie totally on board with that. Extra sesos, hold the tacos.
Also too as well in addition, here is Zombie favorite knock-knock joke:
Knock knock!
Come in!
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-
I was thinking of visiting the mummies of Ferentillo this summer, and it made me wonder – how do you feel about mummies? What about ghouls? Spectres? Wraiths? Are there undead parties? And if so, what music is played? And what shoes do you wear?
Curiously,
William Beckford’s Nephew
Dear Sir Peter,
Zombie dig mummies (tee hee, Zombie made a funny). Akchually, Zombie lurnt a lot of what Zombie know from mummies. Zombie can not say much about mummy fashion sense, but when chips are down, you gonna want a mummy in your corner. Also, Zombie not know what “when chips are down” means. Zombie pretty sure Zombie fall in to ‘ghoul’ classification so it probly comflict of interest to say too much about that (Ghouls Rule!). Also, Zombie not care about comflict of interest. Spectres are a little mopey, if you want to know the truth. They make pretty good punch, so they always get invites to undead parties but spend a lot of time just standing in corner being all “boo hoo, I am a spectre and not even that judgy one from the comic books.” AND YOU STAY AWAY FROM WRAITHS. Zombie have complimacated relationship with Wraiths and do not need you messing it up.
Man, are we still on this question?
As for music what play at undead parties (always shoes-optional, bee-tee-dub), if you guess “Monster Mash” then go outside and walk west until yer hat floats. There is usually rotating music reps risps duties for parties. Except Spectre lost music privileges after putting “Who Killed Mr. Moonlight?” on repeat and wouldn’t let nobody near the boom box. Talk about a downer. Note: a little Bauhaus go a long, long (long) way. Where was Zombie… oh, right, music. Two words: Yma Sumac.
yrs,
Zombie
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Akaw!
Do you ever go surfing or are you a beach leech? If you’re a choka surfer, what would be the top ten surfing beaches you’d visit if you wanted to avoid swallowing the chowder but don’t mind getting in the soup?
Dude,
Dude
Dude,
Zombie not speak yer moon language. But Zombie not a quitter so maybe can figure this out. Zombie not really into the whole beach scene, except that sometimes Zombie can find sleepy people, covered in oil just lying around. It kind of like a buffet, so there is that. Zombie have never choked a surfer before but is not against it in theory. As for beaches to visit, Zombie always want to see Chowpatty Beach in Mumbai for it’s beautiful sands or the beach at Blackpool (England) for the friendly locals, but for obvious reasons (to Zombie and anybody what speak Spanish or not speak Spanish but what can use Google Translate and then not be disappointed in Google Translate because it doesn’t work) Zombie number one beach is Playa Zipolite in Mexico. Go ask Jeeves.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Р~!
ҼȄӽ ҆퇑 xǀ ˷u帱q侾 ٵ順X, ĭX, ‘XX : ҼȄӽ =ǏŴٰ�頱ŇϽÁҿ ٵ 灶, Ųĉ: ĉ Ÿ Ǐ頿��ȇρ��ʀ俼
Ƕ݀μBR
Listen Terence,
That not how it went down. At all. Get the story straight before you open your word hole.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Hey Zombie,
I have trouble doing division. Like in the question 7 divide by 5. Do you have a brain to do it?
Sabeen
Hey Sabeen,
Do words “Texas Instruments” mean nothing to you? 7 divided by 5 is 1.4. You want Zombie should get all cosine up in here? Bring it.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Zombie owes guy named Rob an apology. Sorry Rob.
As for the rest of you, you have problems what only Zombie can fix.
Write to ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Before it is too late.
Ask a Zombie: "I Just Work Here" Edition (June 5, 2013)
Dear Zombie-
Who wins in an underwater knife fight, you or a bear?
Thanks!
Jim Bowie
Dear Jimbo,
Is this some secret plan to get Zombie to talk about your amazing collection of knives? Because Zombie not falling for your gorilla marketing. Why you send gorillas to do your dirty work anyway? And how comes it you not ever use one of them fancy knives to trim those ridicleous sideburns? Don’t tell Zombie it was the style at the time. It never in style to look like a bridge troll. Just look at yourself. LOOK AT YOURSELF!
Okay, sorry, Zombie go’d a skosh off-topic. But seriously, you go out of the house looking like that? Zombie not dress like that to take out the trash. And Zombie not even wearing pants! So, come on dude, shape up.
Okays, one more try. Shake it out, Zombie, shake it out. huh-huh… huh-huh…fffffff huh-huh… fffffff huh-huh…. huh-hummmm-uh… huh hummmm-uh …
Look, lots of weird junk gots to line up to find Zombie and a bear in the water at the same time. It not like Zombie going in there looking for salmon or whatever. Is it relevant to this scenario to understand how Zombie and Bear ended up in water AND holding knives? That going to make Zombie head hurt. Is it fresh water or salt water? River or lake? What is a underwater knife? Zombie need details. But, if Zombie just gonna answer the question as presented, Zombie going to say Zombie win because bear can’t hold a knife. You wanna argue about it? Go to.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I just read a news article that early humans loved to eat antelope brains. Specifically, the article mentions finding dents inside animal skulls indicate humans “dug in with stones to get at the delicious, juicy brains inside.” Scientists also believe that “nutrient-rich brain tissue may have helped Homo erectus support larger bodies, bigger brains, and travel longer distances.”
I’m stunned by this news and the questions are (almost) endless:
• Did you know about this?
• Do antelope brains taste different than human brains? In what ways?
• Will eating brains really give me a bigger brain? Will this increase my IQ?
• Will eating brains make me taller and run farther?
• Can I get animal skulls with brains from the grocery or do I need to go to a specialty butcher?
• What tools work best for digging brains out of animal skulls? Stones seem kinda primitive.
• How juicy are brains? Like a ripe mango? More like watermelon?
• Are brains more nutrient rich than apples or kale?
• I’ve seen dried apple and kale snacks, do you think a dried brain snack would catch on? Would it still be good, even though the brains are no longer juicy?
Yrs,
Rob
Hey Rob,
Let Zombie answer your questions in order what they were received.
• Nope, but Zombie like the idea.
• Zombie not able to catch a antemelope and attempts at making crude projectiles to fell the beast from afar have, to this point, failed. But if Zombie have to guess (and Zombie do have to guess) Zombie would say antepalope brains probably taste more like nuts.
• FALLACY! Eating brains actually give you bigger butt so you can sit around cogitating (look it up). However brain size and IQ are unrelated. It not the size, it what you do with it. You could have biggest brain in world but if all you fill it with are episodes of “Baywatch Nights” (how that show not catch on?) and Larry the Cable Guy routines (which fill Zombie with blind and righteous anger) your skull going to be receptacle for big mound of pudding.
• Nope. Only thing to make you taller and run farther is to be tall and don’t stop running. Sorry to burst your bubble on that one.
• What am zombie? Home shopper? Maybe you could try the tall running thing by standing up and running to the store to ask the guy yourself. Sheesh. Zombie help thems what help themselves.
• Zombie prefer using hands for brain extraction, but errybody gotta find their own thing. Stones seem to work pretty good so maybe you give them a shot before you pooh-pooh them (yes, that’s right). You not always have to have latest technology to do simple tasks, Rob. Why you gotta be so difficult?
• Brains are juicy like wet mop. Smell kinda like wet mop too. Which is to say, deelishuz!
• Zombie not really pay much attention to nutrition. Zombie just lucky to have body what Zombie have. Do not really need to worry about all that other junk. Zombie just eat whatever Zombie want. Which are brains. Apples are things to kick or step on and Zombie not even accept that kale is a thing so do not bring that nonsense here.
• What horrible kind of place you shop in that sell apple and kale (which is not a thing) as snacks? While Zombie all for idea of sucking the life essence out of plants and hanging their dessicated remains on hooks for all to see, Zombie not know why anybody would want to eat it.
That all Zombie got. Hope it helps (but only a little).
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie-
What is your favorite zombie movie? Zombie play? Zombie style of dance? Zombie sport? Zombie dinosaur?
Very curious about zombies-
B.P.
Dear William,
Favorite zombie movie: Gran Torino. Clint Eastwood greatest living zombie actor! Look at that face!
Favorite zombie play: Hamlet. Little known fact, Hamlet’s father not a ghost. Actually a zombie. Bad transcription and lost pronunciations to blame. Also, Hamlet 2: Ophelia’s Revenge is really good but Shakespearean “scholars” too snooty to admit it into the canon. You got a problem? Call Charles Onions. (You can’t, though, because he died 40 years ago. Zombie just like saying “Charles Onions.”)
Favorite style of dance: Waltz. Zombie can’t count very high so waltz is perfect.
Favorite Zombie sport: It hard when avocation becomes vocation, but Zombie have to say hunting. For brains. That, or Frisbee golf.
Favorite Zombie dinosaur: Is that favorite dinosaur what is also a zombie? Or dinosaur that is favorite of Zombie? Either way, T-Rex. Evrybody make fun of them little arms but while they all pointing and laughing, T-Rex gobble ‘em up like peanuts. Why people so un-smart?
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Zombie bet lots of you have a question. Let Zombie answer it now:
Decision-making power not rest with Zombie. Ask something else.
As for the rest of you, write now or suffer never knowing how your life would be improved.
Find Zombie here: [email protected].
Ask a Zombie: "500th Post" Edition (June 19, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
I’ve heard that every 7 – 10 years people need to reevaluate their life. I am feeling the itch to make a change and think I may be heading into a mid-life crisis. Do zombies go through the same thing? Any advice?
With life changing anticipation,
Ida T. Cleo Hansup-Yon
Dear Ida,
In the region where the roses always bloom, breathing out upon the air their sweet perfume, lives a – no, wait… them the words to a song with “Ida” in it. Let Zombie start over.
Dear Ida,
You know what Dale Carnegie say, “Are you bored with life? Then throw yourself into some work you believe in with all your heart, live for it, die for it, and you will find happiness that you had thought could never be yours.” But you know where Dale Carnegie is now? That’s right. Mexico. So don’t listen to anything that guy says. He was just trying to find a way to go on vacation all the time.
Zombie not really have time for navel-gazing (partly because most of navel is missing) but not want to dish dips belittle what Ida is feeling. If you think mabey you needs to quit yer job at the Tas-T-Freez or whatever and go across town to Wond-R-Freez, then maybe today is the day. Peepul always going to want ice cream and maybe it your mission in life to give it to ‘em. Do whatever, Ida. It not going to matter once zombies come to town anyway. Only person Ida need to pleez is Ida. And maybe anybody what you owe money to. They going to want to know you still bringing it in.
Don’t sweat the “mid-life crisis” part, though. It only a “mid-life” crisis if you know for sure that you going to live the exact same amount of time that you already lived up to now. It probly way too late.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Just curious, are you a cat fan or a dog fan?
I personally think cats are better, and assume you share this belief.
Cats are always plotting to take over the world, much like how you plot to take over our yards.
Hugz and meowz,
Crazy Cat Lady
What up CC?
Here the thing about cats. They talk a good game, but when it come down to their “plan” for taking over the world they got nothing! NOTHING! How they going to dominate the globe when they too busy chasing dust and eating houseplants and drinking out of the bathtub and looking for a warm place to lie down, then a cool place, then a warm place and then they bite you when you try to move. Unless they just want to confuse errybody into handing over the keys, then they just going to sit there not knowing how to work a can opener and blaming evrybody else for it.
Dogs am no bargain either. But, they akchully way more cleverer than cats. Zombie figure some cat peepul punch their computer just now and walk away in disgust, but for the rest of youse, hear Zombie out. Dogs act like they all dumb and have no idea how long you been gone and greet you in same way if you been gone for a week or if you just went to the bathroom for four minutes. Then humans go all squee what a good doggie and dish out the belly rubs and take dogs outside and come back in house for treats and dog is all like “sucker.”
Cats fatal errer is acting like they am superior. Dogs not get all hung up on ego and it totes making humanz do their bidding. If Zombie gonna have a pet, Zombie probly get something like… oh, Zombie not know… something like a zebra. Zebra never aks you for nothing.
Zebras for all!
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I think my neighbour’s a zombie. She smells and looks like she was already dead for years, she moves very slowly, and everytime I meet her, she looks at my head in a sort of hungry way. So the question is, how can I find out for sure whether she’s a real zombie or just pretending to be one? … And how can I do it without having my brain eaten?
Yours,
Annifrid
Dear Winifred,
Maybe your neighbo(u)r just having a really bad day? Or maybe she is crazy cat lady from question before this one? If she not already come over and eat your brain, then she probly not am a zombie. Go over to her house with some butter brickle and if she invite you in, she probly just nice lady who could use a visit. If you get inside and she eat your brain, then that is awesome and Zombie going to totally have to try that move. Good job, neighbo(u)r lady! High five!
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Zombie,
PvZ2 hasn’t came out yet, and I’m about to scream until I stop breathing!
What shall I do?
Signed,
FreeOwn
Dear FreeO,
Make sure you have soft place to land. Zombie cannot be responsible for dumb stuff you do.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Do you ever get cold when you’re constantly attacking my house, scouring for the brains of my family? It’s just that I have a few extra sweaters in case you or your friends want some of them.
Your dear neighbor,
Andrew
Dear Andrew,
Dude, way to use the appearance of generosity to totes insult your family. If they not pick up on that, maybe Zombie just give your house a miss. Might be waste of time. But, Zombie do like a good sweater so… what to do, what to do? You still live under that cell phone tower? Zombie be over Thursday night. But only if you gots cardigans. Zombie love a good cardigan.
yrs,
Zombie
____________________________________________________________
Nothing in life is free. Except Zombie Advice!
Why do you hate free things?
Write to [email protected].
Did you just try to click that? Sorry, that is not a link.
Zombie can’t do everything for you.
Ask a Zombie: "Friends Like These" Edition (July 3, 2013)
Dear Zombie:
Every year, my company does a summer picnic and wants me to do stupid stuff like play softball with aggressive people. I’m a klutz and will make a fool out of myself, but I’m afraid if I don’t do it, I won’t be seen as a “team player.” What should I do?
Possibly Rachael
Dear PR,
Zombie figure a coupla ways this could go. Quietly agree to play then play really, really (really) bad. Miss routine plays, strike out looking, throw ball to wrong base, real Houston Astros stuff. After one or two innings, team say, “Hey, Possibly Rachael. Why not you go take a seat and let somebody else have a chance.” Then you go back under tree and drink lemonade or whatevs. Or you could get all aggro and demand to bat leadoff, then lean into the first pitch and go after the pitcher with the bat in your hand. Errybody be all scared and tell you to go take five until you cool down and then you go back under tree and drink lemonade or whatevs. Either way, you drinking lemonade and nobody going to aks you to play softball anymore. Note: second approach might also result in people doing what you ask them to do around the office the next Monday. Plan accordingly.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
How do you feel about the movie Warm Bodies? Do you think it’s possible for zombies to reanimate after they’ve been dead already? Have you ever been in love? And if you could come back to life, what do you think you would do?
V/R,
Aliera
D/R Aliera,
Zombie not been to the movies in forever so not sure what that movie is. Warm bodies in general are pretty good (usually a brain inside) so mabey it okay. As for rest of fakakta questions, let Zombie see. Zombie already pretty animate, so is you asking if Zombie can re-re-animate if Zombie go the way of all flesh? Sure? Zombie not so good with the metaphysics sometimes, buy why not? You have better answer? Also, affairs of Zombie heart are pretty private. Zombie not totes sure Zombie even have a heart, but whether or not Zombie ever beed in love is not a answer you goings to get. Zombie gots to keep some secrets. And going back to early part of this, Zombie already come back to life and is doing the thing what Zombie want to do. So… yay for Zombie.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Zombie,
Is it true that if you pick up a koala bear, it will die?
Anastasia
Oh Anastasia,
What is wrong with you? How that even a thing what a person would think? Zombie not a zoog zoglo animal-taker-carer-of but even Zombie pretty sure that koala (which is marsupial not bear, bee tee dubs) strong enough to take you. How hard you planning to hold koala? Maybe if you big strong guy and you hug the koala like Lenny from Of Mice and Men (What? Zombie read a book sometimes.) koala not gonna make it but if you squeeze too tight koala probably going to bite your face and then let us see who is the tough guy, Anasatasia. You gonna be the tough guy with koala teeth in your face? Huh? You? Tough guy? You? Huh?
Oh, wait, did you mean like figuratively die? Like koala see you coming and say to koala friend, “Oh if she picks me up I will just die!” Yeah, maybe that could happen. You should be less unclear with your questions.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
My mom says I have to read 3 books over the summer in order to grow my brain power. Can’t I just tell her I’m protecting my brain from Zombies by NOT reading?
Uli G.
Dear Ugli,
You could tell yer mom that but do you want to be a lying liar what lies? Unexercised brain turn all fat and squishy and delishus. Brain what works real hard turn all leathery and hard like baseball glove or jerky or Iggy Pop. Zombie still gonna eat it, but it just kind of chewy.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
A friend borrowed some shoes and returned them to me in my mailbox. When I went to get them, there was only 1 shoe. What should I do?
Toast Mum
Dear Toasty,
Mabey loan stupid friend another pair of shoes, then when you go to mailbox and only find one of those, put it together with other one shoe and BLAMMO! New pair of shoes. Or dress up like a one-shoed ghost and limp around friend’s house late at night moaning, “Where is my other shoooooooe? WHERE IS MY OTHER SHOOOOOoooooOOOOOOoooOOOOe?” until friend freaks out and confesses. Or ask friend if you can borrow one of something and then return two of them. Probly not cost-effective and also kinda passive-aggressive but it making Zombie laugh to think about and Zombie sometimes need a good laugh. Do not you judge Zombie.
yrs,
Zombie
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Do you have a question for Zombie?
Do you have a question for somebody else and they aren’t getting back to you?
Do you have a “friend” who thinks they’re so smart and you’d like Zombie to tell them a thing or two about a thing or two?
All things are possible when you write to Zombie at [email protected]
Nothing happens without you. Well, in this context.
Lots of stuff happens without you. Stop being such an egomaniac.
Ask a Zombie: "And Spit Out Your Bones" Edition (July 17, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
Do you play the lottery? Assuming you did, if you won 100 million-billion-trillion-zillion dollars would you still go out and get your own brains or would you hire someone to get your brains?
What else would you do with the money? I might recommend that you hire someone to teach you how to spell check.
Ray
Hi Ray,
Zombie recommend you shut your face. Here what Zombie would do with a hunnertmillionbillionwhateverillion bollars. First, Zombie go to bank and cash the check. Then Zombie buy a dump truck. Then Zombie put all the cash in the dump truck and drive past Ray’s house all day honking the horn and shouting, “Hey Ray! Look at all the moneys what Zombie gots!” Zombie not spend any of it. Just drive around the block all day honking the horn. Then around dinner time, Zombie park that dump truck full of money in your driveway and light it on fire. Then just stand there… watchin’ it burn.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I have spent the last few weeks trying to impress a pretty girl I know; we talk frequently and we have had several lunch dates and activities together but the friendship does not feel like it will ever become romantic despite her knowing my feelings; So my question is: What would a romantic like you do if you were faced with my circumstances?
Sincerely,
Felijandro
Dear Felijandro,
Two words, brother: cut bait.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Zombie Editor suggest this answer too curt. Zombie say, No it to Felijandro. Zombie Editor say, No it kind of short, maybe expand it a little? And Zombie say, okay Felijandro, if you want to loll about drinking absinthe and being a big moonface for girl what know you like her but what not like you back then go for it. But you might as well throw rock into air and ask gravity to make it float. Zombie sure she is perfekly nice girl but if she not picking up what you putting down, maybe it time to do a different thing than the thing you am doing.
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Dear Zombie,
Why haven’t we brought back Andrew Dice Clay yet?
Your friend,
Wondering in the World
Dear Wondie,
The Dice Man never left. It was you what turned your back on him. Search your soul. You know it to be true. Repent.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I want to go to the military so I can defend myself against the soon-to-be-legit zombie apocalypse. What faction in the military would you recommend, and why? Also, what is the best weapon against the zombies?
Sincerely,
Matt
Dearest Matthew,
Never you go to the movies? Military is all “this is how we gonna do it and you all going to have to listen to me and blah blah blah I have a helmet on” and then that way never work (hubris: look it up) and it up to some scrappy band of misfits and vigilantes (misilantes? vigifits?) to save uptight military guys bacon (proverbial bacon, because nobody going to watch a whole movie about bacon) and then they all drive away in their bunch of crummy cars while military guy standing on his tank boiling with rage and begrudging respect then some song nobody likes plays over the closing credits. So, in short, most movies are pretty stupid.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
My wife is finishing grad school next year. What is the best gift I can give her in your humble opinion?
AJ
Dear AJ,
Zombie not have “humble” opinions, so do not try to paint Zombie into that corner. What to get for wife depends lots on the thing wife is getting graduate degree for. Maybe you oughta get her an oxford shirt and an undeservedly superior attitude. Or a ice-cream scoop and a paper hat. An autoclave? A party dress? A chasible? Box knife and a generic adhesive strips so nobody get a cease-and-desist for saying Band Aid? Zombie going to need some more details. Details what AJ should have because she your wife, man, not Zombie wife. Maybe just give her a sack of money to pay off student loans? And never tell her about this conversation.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I noticed you have experienced some hair loss. Have you ever considered a hair transplant or wearing a toupée?
Ike
Dear Ike,
And how!
Image of Zombie wearing a wig no longer available.
yrs,
Zombie
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Looking for something to do on these long, lazy summer days?
Zombie has a fun idea!
Write to him and ask him junk. You’re just sitting in that hammock doing nothing anyway.
Put down the lemonade and get to it: [email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "You're Soaking In It" Edition (July 31, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
I’ve heard that vampires sleep in coffins. Do Zombies sleep anywhere cool?
Sincerely,
Percy
Dear Percy,
Zombie have a race-car bed. That is all you need to know.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I put my name on my food in the fridge at work, but someone is eating it. How can I make sure it doesn’t happen again?
Regards,
B. Chicken
Dear Chicken,
Well, you could put it in the fridge with somebody else’s name on it and then it kind of be like some jerk eating some other person’s food and not yours. Or you could lick it before you put it in the fridge and even though some jerk gonna eat it, you will maybe get some satisfaction out of knowing that you put your germs all over it first. Or you could make it an experiment and start putting junk that is junk and not food in there with your name on it just to see what some jerk is willing to steal and eat. Unless you know somebody who works in a bank and can get you one of them exploding paint cans that turn everything blue and stick that in your food and then find the blue jerk and say “Hey Jerk! Yeah, you! Blue jerk! Stop stealing my food!”, Zombie think you just going to have to make the most of this jerk.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Do you age? Celebrate birthdays? Eat cake and blow out candles?
-Diesel
Dear D-Cell,
Zombie appreciate your backhanded compliment. Let just say that Zombie defies age and leave it there. Shall we? Yes, let’s shall. Zombie not celebrate Zombie birthday (cuz Zombie not know when it is) but Zombie do like a good birfday party because lots of people all get together in one small space and, well you ever seen on of them nature shows where a lion picks off the slowest water buffalo from the watering hole? It like that. And, yes, one time Zombie did eat a cake and blow out candles. Cleared out sinuses pretty good but not feel so great. Now Zombie take candles off cake first and it not happen again.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I have trouble with falling asleep during movies, even in the movie theater. Any tips on how to stay awake?
Yours,
WC
Dear WC,
Pick movies that are less boring? Stop going to movies that are nine hours of the tide going in and out and only go to things with lot of toilet jokes and explosions (bonus: exploding toilets). Or: turn your phone ringer way up high and then ask all your friends to call you during the exact time you will be in the movie. Then take those calls. All of them. And talk in really loud voice. Like friend is in room but really far away. Maybe stand up and walk around. Stretch your legs. Switch seats a bunch. It dark in there so maybe carry flashlight so you can see where you going. Or put sand in your underpants so you itchy the whole time. Nobody can sleep when they is itchy. Be sure to announce more than once, “Man, I am so itchy!” Drink a whole bunch of water before movie starts but don’t go to the bathroom. Complain loudly how bad you has to go to bathroom. Don’t go. Bring friend to movie who is ungood at listening so you have to pay attention to movie so when friend goes “What just happened?” evry five minutes you can answer. Pretend you can’t hear them and say “WHAT?” really loud whenever they aks you something. Anyway, give any of these a whirl. Let Zombie know how it turn out.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Has this column made you so famous that you have to wear dark sunglasses and hats in public?
Yours,
Hot Pocket
Dear HP,
Funny thing about Zombie fame is that peepul still scream and run away when they sees me. So some of the time Zombie has to wear hat and glasses but not so peepul stay away, but so dummies stay put long enough for Zombie to get to them. Zombie is friend to all so not sure why all the running and screaming and staying away from. Zombie just want to give out automagraphs and hugz. Maybe have some tea… aks you how yer day was… Y’know, really get to know you. Zombie gots a lot to offer if stupids just give Zombie chance. Zombie not just want to eat your brain… wait, y’know what? Forget it. Zombie just want to eat yer brain. Strap on your skates, kids. It about to get real.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Zombie has something to tell you. You just don’t know it yet.
Write to [email protected] and all your problems will be solved.
All of them. You heard me.
Ask a Zombie: "What Songs Does a Swan Know?" Edition (August 14, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
Are you friends with Kuhu? What kind of predictions does he have for your future? (Also, are you jealous that Kuhu has a cool moving profile picture and you don’t?)
-Surly
Dear Surly,
Zombie not like to drop names or whatev but Kuhu and Zombie are for reals pretty tight. Well, as tight as a Zombie can be with a enigmatic mystic with no fixed address. Also too as well, Zombie got the hookup from a Zombie Graphic Designer what Zombie know and now you feast your crooked eyes on new Zombie icon!
Image no longer available.
yrs,Mbr< Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Two of my friends are getting married but they make a terrible couple. I don’t want to ruin our friendship by saying anything. What would you do?
Sincerely,
Old Fashioned
Dear OF,
So many possibilities. So. Many. Many…
Sounds like this thing gonna blow up no matter what. You has to decide where you wanna be when it does. Yes, Zombie making friendses’s marriage about you. You’re welcome. You could say nothing and hide behind something sturdy for a while. You could say something to them privately but that might be like throwing a lit match into a room with a gas leak. Or you could wait until the wedding day and make a big scene at the ceremony and shout and stomp your feet in protest and errybody going to think you are out of your mind until years later when it blows up and you can wag your finger from underneath whatever bridge you will be living and shriek “I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOOOOOOU!” and spin like a dervish until the police come to see if everything is all right. Don’t forget, Pyrrhic victories are still victories. Here is the thing that is a thing, though. Peeps going to do what they want and nothing you or anybody else can do to make them not do. So you could shut your face run away once the fuse is lit, or you could open your face and come off looking like a busy-body or a crazy person or a crazy body busy person… or something. Zombie think you should just grab a drink and watch the show.
Oh, and not spend too much money on a gift.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
How come you don’t walk on dirt? I had one row of grass with plants and dirt with no defence, but you chose the grass.
Sincerely,
Smileyface
Dear Face,
Why you so judgie? Mabey some things more important than convenience. Maybe Zombie give a care about Zombie appearance and not want to get shoes all mucked up with yer stupid yard dirt. Mabey Zombie gots a bum knee and walking on grass more comfy. Did youse ever think of that? Did you? No, you did not. Why? Because you not respekt Zombie. You think Zombie just big ol’ dumb-dumb what can’t dance or have interesting idears. You am like “Oh all zombies are just one way and that way is unsmart and I are such a smarty-pants beacuase I know how zombies are.” Well Zombie here to give you dose of zombie realness. Each zombie is precious snowflake. Only unsavvy think all zombies are one zombie but if you took the time to get close you would see. Oh yes, you would see. So get close. Reeeeal close. Zombie dare you.
Also, Zombie not walk on dirt because Zombie gots a hole in shoe and not want to get rocks all up in there. Thank you for asking.
yrs,
Zombie
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亲爱的僵尸先生：
你好！
这是一封来自中国的信。
希望你能看懂中文……
我们这边都放暑假了，你有没有打算来这里度个假啥的？还有你们僵尸平时都干点啥啊？
2013.7.26
隋
亲爱的H。
要有耐心，朋友。我在中国，所以很多你将要花一段时间才能给你。僵尸会得到你，虽然，所以你不要担心。你刚才去了解您的业务，你知道它之前…僵尸天！也许是暑假期间，说不定什么时候你在工作，也许当你回到床上去浴室半夜。展望表达对你的脸。
岁，
僵尸
附：你刚才叫僵尸吸血鬼？伙计…
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Dear Zombie,
There is a constant supply of goldfish crackers at my work. I’m now addicted to them. How do I stop?
Regards
Cracker Baby
Dear Cracker,
How that song go? “Fish gots to swim, bird gots to fly, I gots to love one man ’til I die. Can’t help, lovin’ that man of mine.” Oh, that not have anything to do with anything, Zombie just love some “Show Boat.”
Let Zombie answer question with a question. Does Cracker Baby want to quit the goldfish? If you really want to quit, best way is to fill a bowl with gravel and say “Oh boy! Goldfish!” and then shove a fistful of gravel into your mouth. Then chew until you can’t take it anymore. Sooner or later brain going to say “Mouth hates these things. They taste like dirt and rocks and teeth.” Problem solved. Otherwise just eat the heck out of them things. You not want last thought on this earth to be “Shoulda had more goldfish!”
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Since you have undoubtedly been eating quite a lot of ruffage and vegie-tables, what with lawn fortifications being what they are, have you considered becoming a vegan or a vegetarian? What is it like to have your identity symbolically destroyed by the forced consumption of plant matter?
Thanks,
Öreg Año
Dear Clever Pseudonym,
What you see as symbomological destruction of Zombie identity, Zombie see as doing what needs to be done. Plant lovers all like, “Hardy-har-har, Zombie have to eat plants!” but you know what? When Zombie done, no more plants! So who is the laughing one now? Is it you? Is it? No, it is Zombie. That is who it is who is the one who is the laughing one. See Zombie laugh? Zombie laughing at undergraduate semiotics! Zombie not even sure he using “semiotics” correctly! But do Zombie care? No! Zombie too busy laughing! Laugh, Zombie! Laugh!
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Do you believe in horoscopes? God? The Tooth Fairy? Leasing a car? (ok, that was more like 4 questions in 1)
Signed,
Curious Black
Dear Curious,
Zombie say whatever get you through the day while you waiting for Zombie to arrive and eat your brain is a-ok. You want to heed the advice of a faceless freelance writer who would rather be working in greeting card bizness? Go for it. You want a higher power that is vengeful or forgiving or Norse or Sun or whatever? Not Zombie concern. You want to tell your children to be excited about total stranger who sneak into house at night and can get close enough to put her hands under your pillow without waking you up? Zombie not here to judge you. Except for if you leasing a car. Why would you want a car payment for the rest of your life? Why you want to spend every day hoping you not get a dent? It like paying to drive your dad’s car around alla time. No thanks! Unless you gots more money than things to blow it on. Cuz some jerk is gonna sooner or later open his door into your car or get too close and take your mirror off and then bye-bye damage deposit.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
do you like soccer? if you do like soccer do you play zombie soccer with dr. zomboss?
from,
Julio
Hello Julio,
Zombie played soccer once. Once. Kicked ball and foot went with it. Not sure why soccer so popular. Once you see what happens to zombie what try a header, you cannot ever unsee.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Zombie,
How exitad are you about your revinge in plants vz zombies 2?
Teague
Dear Teague,
Zombie am wikkid exitad! But it not revinge. Revinge imply that Zombie lost last time. Zombie did not lose. Zombie still here! So it not revinge so much as more of Zombie sticking it to plants and living to tell about it. That purty exitang. Plantz may say different, but what plant has own advice column? No plant. That is which plant.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Zombie has a question for you.
Why have you not written to him?
Do it now! [email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "Whistle and Clap Hands" Edition (August 28, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
I heard that babies can eat too many carrots and turn orange. Has this ever happened to you?
See ya!
Shingles
Dear Shingles,
Not ezackly, since Zombie not eat so much the carrots. Also Zombie not so much eat the babies neither so let us just get that straight right now and you can begin to stop the making of spurious accusations about what Zombie do and not do. Avec that out of the way, Zombie do seem to have a grayness of visage what suggest excessive consumption of the brain meats has made Zombie countenance correspondingly hued, but it probly gots more to do with lack of proper circulatory system. Not that eating brains alla time can be helping.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Can zombies eat computer brains? What about robot zombies? Can robot zombies eat computer brains?
Thanks,
Trina & Henry
Dear Youse Two,
Can zombies eat computer brains? No. What about robot zombies? So is Trina & Henry wanting to know if zombies eat robot zombies? Can zombies eat robot zombies? Is that the question? Because that am a weird question. Zombie having hard time believing it taked two of you to write it.
Wait. Hang on. Zombie Editor saying something.
What?
[inaudible]
No, Zombie am trying to…
[inaudible]
Oh.
So, can robot zombies eat computer brains? Sure. Why not? Who going to tell robot zombies what they can or cannot do? You? A laff is what that is.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Do you drink Coke?
Ezra
P.S. What do you think of my name? I don’t like it. I wish I was called something else.
Dear Ezra,
Nope. Zombie gots enough of a jacked up tooth situation as it is.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Ezra am a fine name. You want you should be named Cecil or Fleance or Elmer? Floyd? Chauncey? Herbert? Melvin? Ivo? Oswald? Virgil? Willard? Myron? Junior? Columbus? Webster? Lafayette? Jewel? Ruth? Arsenio? Fidel? Hobart? Leggett? Meldon? Osric? Okay, maybe Osric kinda cool. Anyway, ain’t nothing wrong with name Ezra.
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Dear Zombie,
Why do you and your zombie friends carelessly put your graves in the middle of my yard? It’s very rude, you know. By the way, my name is Kaylynn, and I’m from Michigan. I know it’s not a very fancy place, but it’s where the first car in the world was made. Did you know that? And by the way, why don’t you and your zombie friends drive cars? It would get you to the door much quicker, and then you could get to the brains quicker.
Sincerely,
Kaylynn
Dear Kaylylnaylnynn,
Howsabout Zombie answer your question with question? Why you put your yard in middle of graves? Has you never seen that movie Poltergeist? Lessons are there to be learned. Not just the ones specific to the career of Craig T. Nelson. Anyway, Zombie not drive because Zombie am very concerned about carbon footprint. And maybe can’t remember where keys are.
Oh, and when you have a minute the ghost of Carl Benz wanna talk to you.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
As I contemplate the endless despair of the coming zombie apocalypse (right now it’s more of a nuisance), I hope that perhaps some poetry will unite the zombies and humans in goodwill for the future. I present a series of haiku regarding a zombie invasion:
The dirt-nested plant
Heroically braces for the
Ravenous zombies.
(Then there was a bunch of other stuff, but Zombie Editor think point was made.)
I realize this a long submission, but I was wondering if you believe the power of poetry can put a stop to our conflict.
Sincerely,
Zany David (like Crazy Dave, but zanier)
Listen Dude,
This not a conflict! Are you in conflict with that sandwich? Sandwich can protest if it wants to but it not going to stop sandwich from being eaten, is it? Sandwich can write all the poems it want if it help pass the time before sandwich is lunch. What Zombie getting at is that you are the sandwich in this analogy.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hi Zombie,
You’re cute! And so witty! Where’d you learn to be so funny?
-C.G.
Dear C.G.,
No, you may not borrow any money.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Should I tell him how I feel about it knowing he doesn’t like me as much as I like him? Or should I just shut up and forever hold my peace, knowing he’ll grow old to be a dried prune not knowing we could have had something special? Pls give some love advice… Thanks!
allysa
Dear allysa,
Why you want to go out with a dried prune? Sounds like dried prune am doing you a favor by giving you the brush off. Later on, dried prune goins to be all shrively and saying, “Oh I shoulda listened to allysa and now I am lonely old prune and she found handsome casaba melon for which to spend her life on. Also I will never know why she spelt her name with the small a instead of the big A like a normal person. Woe am I! Woe! WOE!”
Zombie think you better pick up that hint before you trip over it.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Did you come from zombie parents or did you become a zombie at some point during your life?
Signed,
Ironclad No
Dear Ironclad,
Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in sæcula sæculorum.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Zombie is actually doing this for his health.
Don’t make Zombie sick. Ask him something.
[email protected]
Or is your life really so great?
Ask a Zombie: "You Gonna Be a Big Baby?" Edition (September 11, 2013)
Hello,
How much chuck could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Sincerely,
Chromium
AhhahaHAhahahahaha! Trick question!
Woodchuck not eat meat. So answer to trick question is NONE! No chuck would woodchuck chuck for woodchuck not eat chuck. Unless you have developed some kind of hideous meat-eating woodchuck in a lab and are quietly and fiendishly introducing it into the wild. For that, Zombie hat is off to you. Also, that is totes terrifying. Do you call it a Chuckchuck? Will it eat a cow or will it only eat chuck from the supermarket? What about a guy named Chuck? Will Chuckchuck eat him? Zombie have questions for you now. These are those.
yrs,
Zombie
Ask a Zombie continues after these hansum zombies.
GIF no longer available.
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Dear Zombie,
If you started a garden, what would happen? Would the Plants begin attacking you? Or would they attack the countless Hypnotized Football Zombies I send over? If you know, I can send you Puff-shrooms over, as they are free.
From,
James W.
Dear James,
If Zombie start a garden other zombies would hafta stage an intervention, for clearly Zombie on some horrible kind of self-destructive bender. How low you think Zombie would have to sink to give succor to dumb plants? Unless Zombie plant garden in bed of rocks and never water them and then taunt them out the window when they all “We is thirsty!” and Zombie stand there drinking big glass of water and not sharing it. And Zombie not even want it! That something that might happen if Zombie plant a garden. Not that Zombie would plant a garden. Zombie not crazy.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
My cat is depressed. The doctor thinks I should get another one. But I can’t in my apartment. I bought him pheromones and a cat TV program so he can watch it when I am away. What would you recommend to keep him happy so he stops being sad and whiny all the time?
Sincerely,
Jennifer
Dear Refinnej,
Did you also teach cat how to use the remote? Because if he not know which one is power button, you might have made his problems worse. If everything okay with the home electronics and he is being a good do-bee about taking his meds and that STILL not working… get him a dog. Serious. Get him a big dog what hates cats and he can spend a couple days in yer tiny apartment trying to get away from it and then pretty soon cat going to be all “I just happy to be alive!” and then you get rid of dog and then cat is all happy and never complain about nothing ever again. Maybe borrow the dog so you can give it back to whoever when you is done. Zombie not want to get all Bob Barker on you, but don’t just get a dog you ain’t gonna keep. Oh, I know. Give cat away and keep the dog. Dogs are kinda dumb and just gonna sleep all day until you get home and then get up and be all “Yay! Youse is home! Let us run and play and never speak of cat again!” This true of big dogs, not them little yappy kind. That kind going to do unspeakable things to your shoes when you not home. Don’t get that kind.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie
Why is it that when the Digger Zombie finishes digging, he turns around instead of going for the home owners brains? I understand that he’s clearing a path for the other zombies, but he’s right near the front entrance with no plant to stop him (except the split pea) and he could just end it all there.
Sincerely
Your Biggest Fan
Dear Biggie,
Being zombie is pretty tight union gig. Digger got a job to do. That job is to get behind plants and turn around. End of story. Digger Zombie spent years as apprentice Digger Zombie, just digging holes for other Zombies to go through. Now he finally have union card and you wants him to blow it just to satisfy yer idle curiosity? Zombie would never do job of other zombie.
yrs,
Zombie
BZTW, Local 67
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Dear Zombie,
I have a problem with focusing on things. How can I overcome that?
-Simon
Dear Simon,
Sorry, what?
HAR! Zombie just funning you. Is problem that you focus too much on junk or not enough? Because thems is different thingos. So since Simon not say enough, maybe Zombie answer both and hope it ain’t a third thing, for Zombie only got two answers.
If focusing too much on stuff is causing a problem, maybe it time for some new hobbies. Find some junk that it fun to focus on. Taxidermy, charcuterie, animal husbandry, mid-wifery… Whatever take your mind off whatever you focusing on that you do not want to be focusing on. Or you could try Zombie Mantra™ “There’s nothing you can do about it.”
If problem that Simon can’t focus on things, maybe you gots too many things. Zombie not in yer house (yet) so kind of having to guess here. Some peepul gonna be all “make a list” but then you gonna just have all stuff written down in one place and you not going to be able to figure out what thing to do first. So just write one thing down on piece of paper and tape piece of paper to front of hat then put hat on so piece of paper with one thing hangs down in front of your eyebones. Then just look at that one thing alla time. No hat? Tape it to your face. Problem solved.
Or maybe you just need new glasses.
Huh. Zombie had third thing after all…
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Help Zombie help you help Zombie help you.
No moral quandary too large. No kerfuffle too small.
Write to [email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "The Thrill of Broken Promises" Edition (September 25, 2013)
Dear Zombie(s),
My friend recently got his wisdom teeth pulled (I think he’s a little dumber now). It looks like it hurts a lot! I see that you are missing some teeth too. Did you get them pulled? Did it hurt? If no, how did you lose your teeth?
Chase Y.
Dear Chase,
Zombie think Zombie got about five teefs left. Here’s how Zombie lost other 27:
Banged head on table, tripped on shoelace, head caught in revolving door, unnoticed banana peel, hammer to the face, bit into a penny, just fell out (swallowed it), loaned to different zombie – never got it back, squirrel, bike crash, kissed the wrong girl, gum disease, tripped on curb, squirrel, snowball with a rock in it, bumped into slower zombie, foul ball, fell out of tree, stolen (no leads), opened a bottle, slippery roof, surprised kids playing marbles, Evander WHO-lyfield?, stick aimed for eye came in too low, juggling accident, ill-advised display of strength, squirrel.
yrs,
Zombie
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Ad space is now available on our door hangers. We will be distributing these full colour publications to many different areas in the GTA and surrounding towns. Prices are less than 1 cent per delivery. Contact me for complete pricing and delivery areas/dates.
Bill
Hi Bill,
If you wants to get in there and clear out plants for Zombie before you do door hangy thing, Zombie give you the full penny. And that’s real.
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie
If I do end up going to the high school that I want to, what do I do first when I get there on the first day?
From
Your Dinner #125
Dear You,
Lay low.
High school is a nightmare of awkward encounters and crippling self-examination. Goal should be to get out fast with as few humiliating memories as possible. Do not listen to jerks who are all “oh these are best years of your life” because those peepul are wrong and doomed to long, long lives of emptiness and longing for an imagined past that never was. Like philosopher John Sebastian said, “Your dreams are your ticket out.” Zombie paraphrasing, but you get the idea, Zombie think. So stay quiet, do your work and get on to college and your career where you can start making more important mistakes with your life.
Oh, and maybe join a club.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What do I do when my pants won’t buckle?
Shelby
Shear Delby,
Obvious answer is ditch the pants. But sometimes peepul get all hung up on decorum so maybe that not a option where you is. Maybe switch out to clown pants or a muumuu. If upgrading wardrobe not possibul, maybe try a piece of rope for a belt. Make sure it is long enough so you gots room for to grow. But what you gonna do with old belt? You not just want to throw it out. So maybe wrap it around some books and carry it around like Almonzo walking Laura to school. But just so you know, you eventually going to have to adopt Jenny Wilder if you do that. So maybe just ditch the pants. Peepuls might say stuff but it going to make your life a bunch easier on the whole. Pants are probly overrated anyway.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Why can’t we have nice things?
Love,
Mom
Dear Mom,
Zombie not having this conversation with you again. If you want nice things, maybe you not put them where Zombie gotta do stuff. Now please you not bother Zombie at work again. See you Sunday?
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Zombie is a pretty smart so-and-so.
You don’t believe it? Write to him and find out for yourself!
We dare you! Big chicken.
[email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "The Treasure That You're Worth" Edition (October 9, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
What’s the right way to spell it – donut or doughnut?
Two Birds
Dear Birdies,
Okay just for second Zombie thought this was one of them jokes where zombie go on and on about right spelling of thing and then you be all like “no, you spell ‘it’ I T.” and then you laugh because you think you all clever and then Zombie get angry and start smashing stuff because nobody like to be made the fool. But Zombie going to assume that this not one of them kind of things and actually try to answer the question. Because nobody want to see Zombie smash stuff.
Look, it made of dough, right? So Zombie think you gots to go with “doughnut.” If it was made of “do” (which not even Zombie would eat) then you could write it as “donut.” If you think it is a big pain to spell the right way, just remember, you can’t spell “doughnut” without “ugh.”
Or you could just be a jerk (highest Zombie recommendation!) and call them olykoeks. Zombie looked it up. And you can, too.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Is it true that the dream where your teeth crumble out of your mouth means that you are worried about finances?
Sincerely,
Mike M.
Hiya Mikey,
Thing about interprematating dreams is you can kinda make ‘em about whatever. You could say, “Oh I had me a dream about my teeth falling out! I gonna buy lottery tickets!” Or “I had the teeth-fall-out dream last night. I should probababaly stop going to sleep with candy in my mouth.” Or whatevs. Maybe that kind of dream is really just dream that you are worried about your teeths falling out. Zombie not sure. Zombie not have a lot of teeth or a lot of finances so Zombie just kind of making educated guess here. If you is worried about yer moneys then yeah, you could probly say that dream is about how you are worried about fincances. But you culd say that even if dream was about cats or pixies or that hunky bartender you don’t have the nerve to chat up. Some peepul go for bad meaning of dreams and some peopole go for good one and then some peeps go all Freudian but Freud thought everything was about one thing and the less said about that thing the better.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
How do they segment mandarin oranges so perfectly?
Specs
Dear Specs,
Zombie not sure who “they” be what you is referring to. Wizards? Freemasons? Bears? Or is you one of them fancy peepul what got a big staff in your English manor and when “they” bring you fruit it always perfeckly segmented and this confuses you beauase for all your fancy pantsedness and college type book learning the simplest concepts of how to get by in the world completely escape you. In which case “they” is probly your butler or somebody like that what wears a tux alla time and quietly resents you. Ask him. Zombie is not yer butler.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Zombie,
Can you microwave wet clothes to dry them out?
Lotta Laundry
What up LL?
Zombie going to say “yes.” So, yes. It way better than putting them in coven covnv regular oven. (Mabey some time Zombie tell you about The Underpants Fire of 1981.) But if’n your microwave not have the spinny thing, you going to have to rotate clothes a quarter turn every couple minutes so they don’t get all dry on one side and stay moist on the other. Also put some fish sticks in there with your wet clothes so you can do laundry and make lunch. Saves time and energy! And clothes come out with nice fish stick smell!
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Zombie Lawyer want me to tell you that if you actually do that then neither Zombie nor Zombie parent company responsible for whatever happen to your clothes or your microwave or your fish sticks or your house or the power grid. Microwave pants at your own risk.
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Dear Zombie,
My boots are squeaky. Any ideas on how to make them quiet?
Signed,
BTG
Dear BTG,
Threaten them? Walk on your tippy toes? Wear corduroy pants and a nylon windbreaker and clothes make so much noise nobody know where squeaking noise is coming from? Narrate everything you doing in a really loud voice whenever you walk someplace so nobody hear yer dumb boots? Travel by pogo stick? Walk on yer hands? Go barefoot? Find somebody to carry you everyplace you gotta go? Say the word “squeak” out loud evry time you take a step so it just sounds like you goed crazy and your boots are not the problem? Own up to it and insist everybody call you by new nickname “Squeaky Boots”? Skip? Boss other peepul around to make them do your bidding so’s you do not gotta walk anyplace ever? Stomp your feet and make monster noises like you is Godzilla or something? How many more ideas you need? Maybe you just slide around on some glossy paper like Zombie Temp Worker did that one time.
File:Zombie Temp Worker - Dancing Machine
Whatever happen to that guy?
yrs,
Zombie
___________________________________________________________
Listen, you aren’t going to have Zombie here to kick you around forever.
So write to him while the writing’s good. Seriously.
[email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "Just Average Pumpkin" Edition (October 23, 2013)
Dear Zombie,
If you went trick-or-treating and were stuck with a bag full of Necco wafers, lime flavored Tootsie Rolls, Double Bubble, Root Beer Barrels, Raisins, Circus Peanuts, and Boston Baked Beans, which one would you eat first?
Not Gus
Dear Gus or Not,
This is worse than Sophie’s Choice.
First of all raisins are out. Zombie intensely dislike raisins and their families. Zombie also think probly nobody like horrible person what thinks raisins are okay to give out for the Halloween. Halloween about getting as much free candy as you possibly can from peepul you may or may not know. You gots rest of year to eat salad and keep a polite distance from yer neighbors. Why you gotta be that guy who rain on one night of obscene candy intake? It is not your job to be the Fun Police (unless you are actual certified Fun Police Officer which Zombie pretty sure does not exist so stop trying to be cute). If you cannot get on Halloween trolley, just turn off your stupid lights and hide in the basement until everybody goes away. Handing out raisins is not the solution.
Okay, sorry. Zombie working through some stuff right now. Let’s talk about candy, what say you?
Zombie going to start at the bottom of the list and work to the favorite just to make it all suspenseful. Zombie going full Casey Kasem on you. Or BuzzFeed. Or whatever. Herewith:
Zombie Top Six Candies Based on the List What Person Sent Which May Not Include All Zombie Favorite Candy Because Nobody Mentioned Licorice or Sponge Toffee.
6. Double Bubble – Not strickly eatable so Zombie have to put it on the bottom of the list. Zombie do enjoy the insouciance of that powder they put on it that actually is the only thing that tastes like something that is not the bottom of a sneaker. Points off for not including hilarious comic strip with each piece.
5. Root Beer Barrels – Eating hard candy is like kissing your dowager aunt who wears too much lipstick. Nobody really like it but it not going to kill you. Also like dowager aunt, root beer taste like horse liniment.
4. Necco Wafers – Not all flavors are winners, but on balance you could do worse. Plus, you gonna get a ton of wafers in each roll so that a lot of candy eating. You could also put one under your tongue and pretend you are paying Charon to take you across the Styx. Or you could hang out in your room and eat them while listening to the band Styx. A whole roll would probably get you through both sides of “Paradise Theater.”
3. Boston Baked Beans – Everything about the name of this candy is a lie. But “Chicago Sugar-Coated Peanuts” sounds like a not-very-popular burlesque performer. On the plus side, they really get stuck in your teeth good so if you do it right you could shove a whole box of these in your face and be eating them slowly over several days. And you can make the box into a whistle. For real.
2. Lime Flavored Tootsie Rolls – Zombie at a loss to explain fondness for these things. Then Zombie realize Zombie not owe nobody an explanation for liking to eat weird candies what taste funny and have the texture of soft wax. Oh, speaking of soft wax, Zombie also like wax lips. Maybe a little because Zombie not really have any lips to speak of.
1. Circus Peanuts – (clap clap clapclapclap) Circus Peanuts (clap clap clapclapclap). Zombie saving best for last since, like Zombie, Circus Peanuts are an abomination. A thing so horrible it should not be and yet there they is. Unknowable. Unkillable. Irresistible. Also a weird color, sorta bumpy and have a mostly unpleasant smell.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hello Zombie,
How do you feel about blue flavored candy?
Yours,
Petting Zookeeper
Dear PZ,
Zombie know a lot about plants (out of need, not out of any real interest) and there not no such thing as a blue razzberry. Zombie also know that this imf ifn make plants super mad so Zombie immediately in favor of it. Seriously, has you ever had the bad luck to overhear a watermelon gassing on and on about how watermelon candy not taste nothing like a real watermelon? Who gots two thumbs and want to jam them in own eyes when plants talk about anything? This Zombie! And leave us not even get started on grapes. Those dudes never stop talking. Anyway, Zombie not really “like” like blue flavored candy beacuase it usally come in the hard candy form which automatically puts it in the category of root beer barrels and them awful butterscotch choking hazards. But if it gonna wreck a plants day? Zombie going to buy it by the pound.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What’s your favorite ride at the fair?
Mrs. R. Lewis
Dear Mrs. R,
This almost as bad as candy question at the beginning. How am Zombie supposed to pick just one? If Zombie going to pick one ride what Zombie like to ride, it gots to be bumper cars. Any ride designed to cause physical injury and possible electrocution seem like too much fun to pass up. For pure fun of watching peepulz make themselfs miserable, clear winner is them spinny tea cups. It make errybody super dizzy and it never not funny to watch them stagger around afterward. Also make them pretty easy targets. Honorable mention go to the Zipper ride because all sorts of junk falls out of peepulz pocketses on that one. You could make a coupla bucks just hanging out under that ride. Not to mention all the lip balm you can eat.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I have so many mismatched socks that I have stopped trying to wear matching ones. This is ok until I have to take my shoes off in the airport security line or go to someone’s house with the no-shoes rule. In those cases do you think it’s just better to take my socks off too?
Sincerely,
Baby Grand
Dear Baby,
What kinda feet you got? If you got good looking toes what are all pedicured, maybe it okay, but if you got big hairy Hobbit feet maybe nobody want to look at them things. Except maybe other Hobbit? Am you a Hobbit? Because if you is then why you worried about socks? Hobbit just rock the big hairy feet and don’t nobody say anything about it. Sorry, Zombie get sidetracked. You probaly not a Hobbit.
Anyway, if you going to wear mismatched socks, they have to be wicked mismatched. No two-sorta-similar-shades-of-black or one-is-brown-and-one-is-blue-but-you-can-only-tell-in-daylight. It gotta be like, half a pair of panty hose and a tube sock. Or one men’s argyle sock and a yellow leg warmer. Don’t stop there. Wear different shoes. Wear one sock. Wear sock on your arm. Wear underpants outside your pants. Wear shirts backwards. Wear sweater on your bottom instead of pants. Wear bread bags on feet instead of shoes. Wear shoes on hands and then act really offended when nobody wanna shake your hand. Pretty soon nobody invite you over to their house no more so you don’t have to worry about anybody with a no-shoes rule.
As for other part of your question, has you ever been to the airport? You gotta work really hard to win the “Weirdest Person at the Airport” contest. Mismatched socks not even put you in top 20.
You could also just throw out all your socks and buy new ones that all look exackly alike. Let Zombie know what you decide.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Some toothpastes have a stand-up lid and some don’t. Why don’t they just standardize that? Also, do you show any brand loyalty when it comes to toothpaste?
From,
The Spice Grinder
Dear What the Heck Kind of Name Is That?
The “they” you is referring to in your question is no doubt the super-secret Toothpaste Cabal. Zombie probaly inviting trouble by even acknowledging that they are a thing. What most peopole don’t know is that Toothpaste Cabal actually a small group of powerful dental hygienists what make all decisions on international oral care. International Association of Dentists is a front! What zombie saying is don’t make your hygienist mad. Last person who aksed about the toothpaste lids disappeared for a week. When they found him, he was wrapped in an x-ray shield, muttering “the flossing… the flossing…”
Anyhoo, do Zombie look like Zombie use toothpastes? Seriously. Do you know Zombie at all? Zombie am partial to Brown’s Camphorated Saponaceous Dentifrice. Trouble is, Zombie cannot find it no more which partly explains messed up tooth situation. Other part of explamanation is that camphor is apparently toxic if ingested. Eh, win some lose some.
yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie loves you and wants you to be happy.
So write to him and let him solve all your problems.
[email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "Unforeseen Consequences Are the Best Kind of Consequences" Edition (November 6, 2013)
Have a question only Zombie can answer? Write to: [email protected]. These people did. And so can you.
Dear Zombie,
My friends keep telling me to get a girlfriend, apparently my life is a complete bore to them. I’m focusing on college so far and I don’t really have time for pretty much anything! What would you recommend I do and what should I tell my friends?
From,
Hopeless Student
Dear Ho-Stu,
First, girlfriend not like a pizza or a haircut. Dude cannot just go “get” one. Girl have to wanna be yer friend and then you can mabey take it from there. Oh, are your “friends” all kinda funny looking? Maybe you the only one with a face that any good? That a lot of responsibility. But do not let “friends” non-traditional countenances distract you from your attempts to better yourself. Tell ugly friends to go “get” their own girlfriends (or boyfriends or whatever), you too busy working on your nefarious schemes for global domination. Or just tell ‘em to mind their own stupid business. Why you gotta be the guy what they live vicariously through?
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I get that you zombies wear a suit and tie and all but what about mummy zombies, pirate zombies and rodeo zombies? Why do you not wear those outfits?
Sincerely Robert
Dear Sincerely Robert,
Each zombie is a precious snowflake, Robert. If some zombies want to wear a brown coat and other zombies want to wear a pirate hat then that is up to zombies. How Robert would feel if Zombie aks Robert why Robert not wear golf shirt and chinos like all other them other dorks in the office? Or aks Robert where am his novelty sweater-vest with brocade snowman like school librarian wear? Or why Robert not wear red shirt and khakis so he look like he work at that one big box store? (You ever accidentally wear red when you go in there to buy junk? The worst.) Just like alive peepulz, Zombie gotta be Zombie. If that means Zombie going to wake up one day and put on culottes and a muscle shirt, that not the business of nobody but Zombie. Also, Zombie gonna make that look good.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Sir/Madam,
Amacom is trading company that is into the import and export of goods like ,Refractories Products,Professional Products Drawing, Graphic,Arts and crafts,and advanced electronic devices to The United States, Canada and other parts of the world.
Due to the Increasing number of clients that we have,we are having difficulty in reaching all of them, as regard this we decided to employ representatives to help us get to our clients.As our representative,you shall serve as a link between us and our clients your salary will be negotiated between you and our company .
Prospective representative coordinators should forward the following info to the recruitment officer via this email
1. Full names
2. Full contact address( not P. O. Box).
3. Phone number/fax
4. Details of past work experiences (If any) 5. Present job if employed
Regards.
Charles Coleman
Dear Gary Charles,
Amacom? Ooh, Zombie heard of you guys. Too bad (for you) Zombie got this job and not about to give it up. Not to say Zombie not flattered – and honestly, Zombie love nothing more than sending all personally identifiable information to total stranger what have comma trouble – but Charles Coleman might be surprised to know how often Zombie get calls from other big-time companies like Gooqle, bEay and Mircosoft.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I enjoy reading your hilarious responses to emailed questions, although I notice that you reply with equally hilarious (and saddening) responses to serious questions (e.g. what to wear to a date). According to my knowledge, Ask A Zombie is supposed to be an advice column. Therefore, I ask you to please give occasional serious advice along with your usual funny replies.
Sincerely,
Bob The Great
Dear Mr. The Great,
Why you accuse Zombie of not giving “serious advice”? If Zombie had capacity for human emotion, Zombie would be suprassingly offended by implication that Zombie not dispensing the most serious of guidance. You can accuse Zombie of a lotta things what Zombie will cop to – insatiable appetite for human brainz, questionable personal hygiene, all-consuming and unrequited crush on Angela Lansbury – but the not taking of solemn duty inherent in disseminating of advice with the utmost seriosity is not one of them things. Sheesh. It like you not even been paying attention to Zombie.
Wait. Was you just trying to aks Zombie what you should wear on a date? You not gotta be all coy, Bob. Zombie am here to help. Where you going on big date? Zombie guessing you gonna wants to wear pants, at a minimum. Unless it one of them places what got a sign what says “no shoes, no shirt, no service” and you just want to be a smart guy. That will show date you have a sense of humor. Mabey not a good one, but one. Tuck your shirt in, wear a belt, put on clean socks and, in the name of all that is decent, take your hat off at the table. Even Zombie know that.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What is your favourite game?
Junior
Dear Jr,
That am a hard one. It sort of a three-way tie betwixt Crack the Whip, Hey Pa! There’s a Goat on the Roof, and Game 6 of the 1993 World Series.
yrs,
Zombie
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Have a question? Zombies are standing by.
Okay it’s just one Zombie but he is standing by.
Also, he doesn’t really have any other function around here so let’s all keep him busy so he doesn’t start wandering around and getting into trouble.
Do you want more zombies on the street? Do you?
Write to: [email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "Brighter Than a Lucky Penny" Edition (November 20, 2013)
Have a question only Zombie can answer? Write to [email protected].
Like these people did.
Hey Zombie,
Where disappeared the brain of my cat?
Tic Tac
What up Tic Tac?
Cats like to hide junk. Did you check your underpants drawer? Maybe one of your shoes? How about on your pillow? Behind the couch? In a plant? Under the bed? Did you just aks the cat? “Hey, Cat! Where disappeared the brain of you?” It not like cat going to answer, what with it not having the brain, but Zombie figger your chances are about as good with the brain as without so whaddaya got to lose?
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombeh,
I recently broke up with my girlfriend but somehow we always end up getting back together. My parents and myself are tired with it, but I still love her. The only thing is that this time I was talking with one of her close friends and he said that my girlfriend actually liked him longer than we’ve been dating! I’m so heartbroken now and I don’t even know if I should attempt getting back with her. (We’re still close friends and hug and talk and stuff like that and sometimes I go over to a friend’s house who also invites her and we get back together but that was before I found out she liked this other guy.) or move on for another girl? (Note that we’ve been dating for 4 months but it’s felt longer than that.)
Yours,
Heartbroken Harry
Dear Hairy,
Sounds like mabey you two break up a lot. And then get back together a lot. Mabey tell Zombie what is the point of that? Fish or cut bait, man. You also say you are tired of it but you still loves her. Which one is more? Zombie think if it the latter then maybe you not write to Zombie to complain. Put that in your hat and kick it under the bus, or whatever that saying is. And then some guy what she knows who likes her announces that she always liked him better and you believe him? Zombie need some background on this cat. He might not be most reliable witness. You could aks the girl if it true but Zombie guess dude you not really know what is trying to get in your way romantical-wise is good enough reason for you to go on the mope. Do Zombie have a clear picture so far? Sounds like mabey you is asking Zombie for permission to move on. Then Zombie read you been dancing this dumb dance for four months. Four months? Dude, Zombie got toenail fungus older than that. Move on HH. Move on.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I am trying to make piano music as, you see, I am a composer for piano, yet I think people are not watching me lately, am I doing something wrong here? Do you have any advice on what to do to improve my chances?
Sincerely,
Maxim
Hey Maxo,
Write some jingles? Parody songs? Take up the keytar. That worked out pretty good for Stormer from The Misfits. (What? Zombie like Jem & the Holograms. That is not a crime.) Sounds like mabey you are suffering for your art and, as far as Zombie can tell, that is what you supposed to be doing. So why not suffer some more? Turn off all the heat in your house. Or the air conditioner. Zombie not know where you live so do whatever to make yourself as uncomfortrbale as possible. Give away your bed and sleep on a pile of old music books by composers who are successful but you don’t respect. Eat gruel. Get consumption but don’t treat it. Insult the king when he is only trying to help you. Throw out all your paper and pencils and write with burnt ends of matchsticks and put music on scraps of paper torn out of old books. Make sure two or three keys on your piano don’t work. Want to use those notes in a song? Tough! Insist that nobody understands you. Even if they do, tell them they don’t. Commit to a lifetime of being misunderstood by peers. They make movies out of junk like that.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hi Zombie!
I’m from Mexico, sorry my bad english… I do my best work. I have some questions for you. What do you do in your free time? When you are not searching brains to eat. Why all Plants vs Zombies Zombies are too smart to write letters or dress up and the TV or movies zombies not? Who is more stronger? Plants vs Zombies Zombies or TV and movies zombies? Because them can support bullets and you with beans are MORE dead.
Thankyou so much for your time!
Muchas gracias!
Erick
¡Hola Erick!
Zombie not gots a lot of free time. Searching for brains to eat take up a lot of the day. But in those rare moments when Zombie find Zombieself with idle minutes, Zombie enjoy scratching back against a tree, looking for interesting bottle caps to add to Zombie bottle cap collection and working on novel about Zombie private detective what is trying to balance demands of job with going to night school to learn how to write novel about private detective what is trying to balance demands of the job with going to night school.
As for what difference between Zombie zombie and TV movie zombie, TV movie zombie just some guy playing dress up. He might be all gnashy teeth and crazy eyes and “Ima eat your braaaaain!” when camera pointed at him but at end of day he wash his face and go home to wait net-45 for a check for his day of extra work. Zombie like Zombie never wash face.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I have a lot of anxiety and depression problems, and I keep being sick. College is really stressful, but I don’t feel like I can ask my boyfriend for support because he’s all excited over a new girlfriend (we’re poly) and he has his own stress. How do I get my needs met by him without ruining our relationship by being too needy?
Gratefully
Sick, Stressed, and Depressed
Dearest SS&D,
Zombie assuming there is just one of you writing this letter but relationship status is slightly confusing for old-fashioned Zombie so please forgive if Zombie am misunderstanding.
Okay, here goes. Zombie going to break this down into two words. Get. Out.
You want mabey slightly longer answer? Here comes that. It sound to Zombie like yer “boyfriend” is the one what is “poly” and you mabey just going along for the ride. You clearly gots enough aggramavation without “boyfriend” adding to it so why you wasting another minute with Jerky the Jerkface Jerk? It is college! There gotta be at least one other person there what might like you and not be all “hey I like you AND I like this other girl too so howsabout you let me have everything I want and you just have all the sadness and frustration, cool?” You get yourself right on out of there, sister. Zombie not even kidding.
And on the chance you not going to take the best advice what anybody – alive or not-quite-alive – ever gived to you just now, then you going to have to play this all pass/agg and make errybody as miserable as you are. Is that how you want to run this? Get yourself a new boyfriend then. Maybe two. Throw a girlfriend in there just for laughs. Buy first “boyfriend” a cat and tell him you can share custody but then never take care of it and make him do all the work. Yes, yes, Zombie suggest you drag as many peepulz and aminals into this nightmare as possible. Then when you is older you really going to have lots of regrets and who doesn’t want to live their life backwards wishing they hadn’t wasted so much time doing stupid stuff when they could have been having fun?
Or just dump whatshisface and give yourself a chance to be happy. Your call.
yrs,
Zombie
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That email address again: [email protected]
Zombie is standing by.
Don’t leave him hanging.
Ask a Zombie: "Made from Jeremy's Tears" Edition (December 4, 2013)
You have problems. Yes you do. Write to Zombie. He’ll help you. [email protected]
Dear Zombie,
You seem to take every opportunity to reassure us that you’re comfortable in your own skin. And really, that relaxed fit, faded, straight-leg look really works for you. Very classy. But so much consolation begs the question, “If there were a cure developed for Zombie…ism(?), would you want it?” And if said cure were derived from plants, would that affect your decision one way or the other?
Sincerely,
Eucalyptus
Hey Euc,
Did you know that “begging the question” is a form of logical fallacy in which a statement or claim is assumed to be true without evidence other than the statement or claim itself? Zombie read it on the Internet. Thus it is true. Unless it on Wikipedia. Then you just rolling the dice. But Zombie got a big but, and that big but is that Zombie also a realist and not gonna stick around here fighting a losing battle. Zombie just going to shuffle on, knowing the truth and when Zombie come to eat your brain he going to eat around the part that not know difference between raising a question and begging one. Zombie got some standards you know.
Anyway, how comes it you think Zombie want to be cured of being zombie? Zombie okay with being zombie and going to find you and cure you of person-ism posthaste.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I’ve always wondered, why do some zombies burn in daylight but zombies like you don’t? Also, when the plants attack you, why do your left arms and heads always come off? What about your right arm and legs? Lastly, is there any plants that taste better than others? I know you don’t like eating plants, but are there certain ones you like better than others? I will try to plant my lawn accordingly.
yrs,
Mind
Dear Mr. Mind,
1. Liberal doses of sunscreen. 2. Design flaw. Nah, just kiddings. Zombie is perfect in every way. 3. Zombie still got about 86% of appropriate appendages so until such time as ugly plant succeed in robbing Zombie of aforementioned appropriate appendages Zombie not have answer for that one. Limbs are go! HAHA! Take that, stupid plantz. 4. All plants taste like sadness. 5. See 4. 6. Cut it out. Just… cut it out. Okay? Stop it.
yrs,
Zombie
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You know what is awesome? This. Zombie could stare at it all day. In fact, Zombie going to do just that. You skip on down and keep reading. Zombie just be up here staring.
GIF no longer available.
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Yo Zombie,
Do zombies go to their own schools? Is being a zombie fun? Do zombies have their own facebook or twitter account? Do zombies hate their lives for being a brain-eater and wish to turn back into human? Can zombies turn back into human again? Can zombies talk normally instead of “Argg…Brains…”? How many languages can zombies talk?
Yours,
Curious child
Yo Yourself,
Zombie not got time for fancy book learning. Zombie learn everything Zombie need to know out on the street. As for fun, Zombie not know how you define fun but Zombie love being Zombie so there is that. Looks on peepulz faceses when they all “AIEEEE! ZOMBIE!” never get old. Zombie not do Spaceface or Twooter or whatevs. Zombie too busy in the world to stop and catalog every itch and toot and stray thought what occur to Zombie. Zombie do love some adorable aminal photos, though, so if you gots those please send ‘em to Zombie. And Zombie cover it earlier in this here very same column but it worth mentioning again probly, Zombie dig being Zombie. Why Zombie ever want to be regular peepul? That some serious crazy talk. And as for how Zombie speak, most times peepul only see Zombie at work so only thing you hear (or maybe it last thing you hear) is “Argg…Brains…” Zombie quite the raconteur in fact and can say “Brains” at least five languages. Zombie just not waste it talking to thing what brain Zombie about to eat. Thank you for your interest. And seriously, adorable aminal photos. Hook Zombie up.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I was wondering how would I be able to obtain a job as a Class A zombie? I have to confess I do not like to eat plants though. Other than that I think I would make a perfect zombie.
Best Regards,
Gustavo
Dear Gus,
Can Zombie call you Gus? Too late, Gus. Zombie call you Gus now. So, anyway Gus, you wanna be a zombie? You just got to get out there and do it. There be not any kinda training manual or “best practices” guide. That stuff is for suckers. Being a zombie not require no kinda advance degree or nothing like that. Just go out there and eat some brains, brother. The rest will take care of itself. And you not have to like the eating the plantz. Zombie not like it neither but it am a occupatiomal hazard. Do what Zombie do, chew up plant and spit it into napkin. And by “spit it into napkin” Zombie mean “just spit it wherever, it just a dumb plant so who cares?” Go to it, Gus! You just taked your first step into a larger world.
yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie,
Sometimes you have actual enlightening advice, and then other times you totally ignore a question and go off on some random rant. I guess my question is, how can you choose to be so philosophical and intelligent in one situation, but then be completely devoid of the brains you so love?
-Danger Jackson
Listen up Jackie-baby,
Zombie always have enlightening advice. Always. Zombie not “choose” to be philomosophical and intelligent. Zombie am phimosolophical and intellegnint. If you not swift enough to pick up on subtleties of Zombie genius, then mabey you go put on yer clown shoes and skip outta here and stop wasting Zombie precious minutes.
Okay, apparently Zombie in a mood this week so let Zombie try to answer this one again, shall Zombie? Why not you write to Zombie again with some of your “problems” and see what Zombie can do for you? Surely Danger Jackson (if that really your name which seem unlikely but whatever whatevs) not got it all so dialed in that he could not benefit from a little Zombie assistance in improving self. Trouble at school? Need help with some dance moves? Feeling misunderstood by “the man?” Can’t figure out how to get on a pennyfarthing without tipping over? These are things Zombie am ready to help with. So go ahead, gamble a stamp. You just became Zombie pet project. Zombie know where you live so you not able to hide. For real.
yrs,
Zombie
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[email protected]
Write it down. Use it. Live better.
Ask a Zombie: "The Dawn of Our Folly" Edition (December 18, 2013)
Welcome to the last Ask a Zombie for 2013! Zombie will be back on January 1, 2014 with more advice you cannot live without. So keep those questions coming! [email protected].
Hey Zombie,
I need some advice with my girlfriend and also my friend told me that she might be cheating on me so i need advice + answers.
Yours,
Sad Keren
Dear Sad,
Okay, Zombie assume girlfriend is not “might be cheating” at Hi Ho Cherry-O or something (super easy to rig the spinner, entre nous). But am so-called “friend” worth listening to? People “might be” doing lots of stuff all the time. Friend “might be” working an angle. Girlfriend “might be” making fudge for you for yor birfday. Zombie might be standing on the roof using road cone like a megaphone and shouting “EVERYBODY HAVE SOME TOAST!” Zombie not want to get all Yoda on you in re: the possibility of cheating, but either girlfriend am or girlfriend am not. There not any “might be.” Mabey instead of believing “friend” who not got any answers and just starting rumors, mabey you say to girlfriend “Hey girlfriend. The story. What is it?” and then mabey you gets an answer and mabey you not get an answer which is a kind of answer in a way and you probly already know where relationship am headed so when you ready to just admit it you let Zombie know.
Or is you just looking for more general advice? Like, don’t put black polish on brown shoes. Because that is solid.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear poor corroding hunk of flesh,
Can zombies dance, even though their body is in poor condition? If you can dance, can you waltz? or rumba? or do the electric slide? or possibly lindy hop? I like to dance a lot, could you help me out with some new moves? Maybe you could even post a video.
-Someone Hopping In Time
Dear Clever Boy,
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. No.
Zombie can do a lot of things. Carioca, Quadrille, Boogaloo, Pogo, Shag, Chumak, Sirtaki, Rigadoon, Polka, Mazurka, Tango, Jarabe, Hornpipe, Cha Cha, Grizzly Bear, Frug, Lambada (The Forbidden Dance!) just to name a few. Zombie not so hot on Electric Slide. If Zombie want to do math, Zombie will just do math. You want to learn some of Zombie moves? Come over to where Zombie live. Alone. You want Zombie should post a video? Sorry, pal. Zombie got a mouth to feed. Cannot be just giving away the goods to every Tom, Jack and Harry what think everybody here just to please them.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
For years now, I have been a loyal customer of a particular comic book store. They’ve been very good to me, they set aside books I will like, they’re friendly and cool, and I do consider them friends. However, the store is in a neighborhood I lived in years ago, and I’ve had to bus out there to buy my books for the past few years, which is kind of inconvenient.
I’m now moving to a new neighborhood, and I’ve discovered there is a comic book store just down the street from my new place! That’s so convenient! I could pick up my books every Wednesday again, rather than once a month or so! But…I feel so guilty at the thought of breaking up with my longtime store. What do I do?
–Crisis on Two Comic Shops
Hey CoTCS,
If you really love old comic shop, then you has to do whatever you can to make it work. But if you just holding on for old time’s sake or guilt or lazy familiarity, maybe it time for to rex reex take a look at yer priorities. Think not of it as ending an old relationship, but starting a new one. “What is taken apart is not utterly demolished,” as that one specific poet say.
You has Zombie permission to go to new shop and read yer funny books free of guilt. Old shop will get by. They is a business, not your mom. Just be sure to cancel your sub and not just ignore it while the books pile up. That is super-villain behavior.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Do you think investing in gold or diamonds is a better idea?
Keeping it in Check
Dear Keeper,
Well, if you am planning on a bright future with early retirement and sending your kids to good schools and getting out of the rat race to finally open that petting zoo you always wanted to (not a rat petting zoo, Zombie hope), then Zombie going to say go with both. Even Zombie know it important to diversify.
But if you planning for collapse of civilization and living out your days like the Omega Man then Zombie gots to come at it from a practical perps pserc angel angle. When global economy collapses and civilization is in ruins and every day is a struggle to just stay alive, what are you going to want to carry around in your survival pack? Huge piles of gold what is heavy? Or pockets full of diamonds which are smaller and take up less space and are, let us face this, shinier? But you want to know what Zombie really think you should stock up on if you think somehow world about to go to heck in a handcart? Snacks. It cute that peepulz think that when money becomes meaningless that gold will somehow still maintain value, but how much gold can you eat? Ruler of New World going to be the one with the most peanut butter crackers and Swiss cake rolls.
yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie say thanks to errybody what writ to Zombie this year. If Zombie not get to your question yet, it could still happen so do not despair. Keep them questions coming. And come back on New Year’s Day for big Zombie predictions! Or something. Zombie not plan that far ahead but know that Zombie Editor expecting a column on January 1. Zombie not take a holiday! For you!
To close out 2013, here are a few short ones. Later!
LIGHTNING ROUND!
Q: I once had a goldfish that lived 11 years. Do you think that’s some sort of goldfish longevity record?
A: Yes. Any goldfish what live longer than 11 days in captivity is some kind of miracle. Especially if you talking about them little crackers. Those not last 11 seconds around Zombie.
Q: Have you ever done the cinnamon challenge?
A: Twice. Have hole in lung to prove it. And Zombie still smell like Christmas. Fun fact: Cinnamon Challenge also name of TV weather lady in Spokane, WA.
Q: Are you a stomach sleeper, a back sleeper or a side sleeper?
A: Mostly stomach. But mostly because when Zombie trip on something Zombie fall forward. That usually seem like a good spot to take a break.
Q: The other night I had a dream that I put slip and slides in all the hallways of my house. What do you think this means?
A: Lot of ways to interpret this. Do it portend disappointment? Is it dream of instability? Maybe it mean you cruising through life without obstacles. Zombie choose to think it a message from the future and your house is about to get awesome. Zombie totally want a turn.
Q: Have you ever just eaten the dry powdered seasoning packet that comes in Top Ramen?
A: Is there other way to eat it? Zombie always thought that was why they put it in there.
Q: I’m in the market for a new brand of shampoo. What would you suggest?
A: Castor oil for that “who has time to wash?” sheen. All the kids are doing it. All the kids in Edwardian England, anyway. And that is a look what is coming back. You mark Zombie words.
Q: Would you rather have a starfish’s ability to regenerate limbs, or a bear’s ability to hibernate for months at a time?
A: Dang. Can it not be both? Zombie would love power to regrow bear limbs. See who mess with Zombie then. But if Zombie gots to pick just one, Zombie going to have to go with the starfish power. Could be very useful in Zombie line of work. Also would totally freak out the squares.