Ask a Zombie/2014
This page is an archive of all Ask a Zombie editions from 2014.
Ask a Zombie: "Victus Mortuus in Perpetuam" Edition (January 1, 2014)
New Year, Same Zombie. Zombie is here to help you keep your resolutions or to break them quietly. Zombie is not here to judge you. Send your questions, concerns and secret confessions to [email protected]. Like these smart people did:
Dearest Zombie,
The devolution of the English language is occasionally punctuated by identifiable trends that seem to annoy pretty much everyone except the hapless perpetrators. For a while, “irregardless” was a particularly common groaner. Then, in the ’90s, the entire concept of irony became utterly meaningless and indefinable (thanks, Alanis). In recent years, the misuse of the word “literally” has resulted in the word’s being officially defined as both itself and its opposite (thanks, everyone who has ever been on a reality TV show). What other disturbing new trends have you picked up on?
Yours in pedantic ranting,
The Oxford Comma
Dear OxCom,
Zombie already think ebrybody talk funny so it sometime hard for Zombie to know what is “proper” and what am not. So Zombie calling it right now: in 2014 the hot new whatever is going to be talking like a 1920s hep-cat. Don’t be an oilcan. Of you want to be kippy, lace up your dog kennels and make with the feathers. You don’t want the flaps to think you’re an apple knocker, kid. So get your munitions and mug a little with your highjohn. Just be on the lookout for the cellar smellers and you’ll be the cat’s particulars in no time. 23 skidoo!
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-
In 2014, do you think that we will be invaded by a race of giant intelligent crawfish? And, if so, do you think they’ll begin making us in gumbo?
Scared in Lafayette
What up, Acadian?
Unless invading giant intelligent crawfish have also developed wicked advanced sense of irony, you probably not going into the gumbo. Are these theomoretical giant intelligent crawfish from outer space? Because Zombie kind of want to see what giant crawfish spaceship going to look like. And maybe find out how they build advanced flying machine when they just have big dumb claws where hands should be. Not saying it not doable, Zombie just cursed with insatiable intellectual curiosity.
Or am these hypotheomoretical giant intelligent crawfish lying in wait at the bottom of the Vermilion River*, watching you scoop up their smaller, less intelligent crawfish brethren and keeping score on their giant, waterproof scoreboards? Why they waiting? Do they hate their smaller, less intelligent crawfish brethren? Why they not just pick you off when you stick your bucket in the water and scoop up the little guys?
Too many questions in your question. Zombie think 2014 not going to be the year of Crawfish Invasion. But Zombie would totes go see that movie.
yrs,
Zombie
*Zombie not actually know if that where crawfish live so howsabout you not get all provincial on Zombie for just trying to illustrate a point, okay Professor?
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Dear Zombie,
If you were going to pick your five top brainz from 2013, who would they be?
Lover of Lists
Dear LL,
You might think Zombie gonna name peepul like Francois Englert, Eugene Fama or Arieh Warshel. But you would be wrong. And that is why your name not on list of five top brainz of 2013. Anyway, Zombie top five brains of 2013, in reverse order:
5. Hattrup, J. Seattle, WA. Chewy without being tough. Just a little bit salty.
4. Kupsch, D. Pittsburgh, PA. Surprisingly complicated. Hints of pineapple.
3. Fuller, N. Hayes, KS. Bold. Nutty. A little sweet.
2. Sargent, M. Singapore. A unique mélange of international flavors.
1. Paulson, W. Norway. Tasted like Smalahove.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-
Prediction time! Here are some possibilities in 2014. What are your predictions:
• Will either breeches or pantaloons make a comeback?
• Who will become more popular, Glen Campbell or Glenn Tipton?
• What fad will the kids embrace, pole-sitting or the peg-leg dance?
• Cats will take over the city of Poughkeepsie?
Do you have any other thoughts about the upcoming year?
Wanting to Know in Poughkeepsie
Dear Your Name is Too Long,
• No, but watch out for culottes.
• Zombie kind of hope Mssrs. Campbell and Tipton form a band. Imagine all that leather and rhinestones. Anyway, most popular Glenn for 2014 going to be winner of 1951 Nobel Prize for Chemistry, the late Glenn T. Seaborg. Glenn Close going to play him in the movie.
• Victorian Headless Portraits going to be all the rage. Goth kids the world over will be heard to say “Pfft. Whatever.”
• Yes. Unless they have already. Cats freak Zombie out so not going to Poughkeepsie to find out.
Other thoughts? Probly. But it 9:30 on Christmas Eve as Zombie am writing this and Zombie not done wrapping presents so you just have to stick around in 2014 to see what else Zombie think.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
In 2014 do you think that there could be a truce between plants and zombies? Maybe they have more in common than they thought and really just want the same things in life?
From, T-Square
Dear T-Square,
Let Zombie see… HAHAHAHA HO HO HEEHEEHEEHEE SNORK SNORK HAHAHAHAHA…
Okay, sorry. Zombie going to… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA TEEHEEHEE HOOOOOOOOOHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (wheeze) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HOHOHOHOHOHO HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE…
Okay, okay, okay. So you wanna know if… AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA AOOOGAH AOOOOGAH ACK ACK ACK ACKAWOOO ACK ACK ACK HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA FNARR FNARR FNARR…
Zombie really am trying here…
NYAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Aaaaah… oh, mercy.
No, Zombie not think so.
yrs,
Zombie
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That email address again: [email protected]
You want Zombie to keep his job, don’t you?
Of course you do.
Ask a Zombie: "The Well is Full of Pennies" Edition (January 15, 2014)
Zombie is here to make your life better. Won’t you let him make your life better? Write to [email protected], like these people whose lives are now better did.
Dear Zombie,
How do I know whether or not I am in the right job? My current job is okay and the money isn’t bad, but I can’t help but think that there might be something else I should be doing.
Signed,
Employed But Restless
Dear EBR,
Can you stand the sight of your own reflection in the morning? Can you, like Zombie, see your own face and think, “Zombie could stare at hansum Zombie face all day!”? Can you do that? Can you? If you can do that, then you have the good fortune to be as hansum as Zombie and if you am that hansum who cares what your dumb job is? Or maybe you think, “I ain’t so bad looking. Time to go to work and let ebrybody gaze upon my not so bad looking face.” But if you see your face and shriek, “GAH! I am hideous!” then mabey you gots some problems.
It possible Zombie got distracted by hansum zombie face and not really answer the question. You really wanna try sumpfing else, go for it. But do not you quit the one job before you gots the next one. For real, that just crazy.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hello Zombie,
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
Sincerely,
Sister Berthe
Greetings Sister,
Zombie put in a call to Zombie Rodgers & Hammerstein Liberry (Zombie got some connections, yo) but could not get a straight answer. Either them dudes at Zombie R&H Liberry do not know or they are as fun-loving as their reputation suggests and were unwilling to help a Zombie brother out. So Zombie give the song a listen and figure you got a couple things to do first. Catch a moonbeam in your hand, keep a wave upon the sand and catch a cloud and pin it down. You do them things and then this whole Maria junk going to be a piece of delicious cake. And don’t forget, Julie Andrews > Carrie Underwood. Zombie not being catty. Just stating facts.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey zombie,
I have a friend who I think likes me as more than a friend. He’s fun to hang out with but I am worried that he might be starting to get the wrong idea. What should I do?
Friend Zone
Dear FZ,
Stop hanging out with him? Set him up with a friend? Start acting all weird whenever he’s around and make everything super awkward and then just keep doing that and wait for the day when he finally gets the hint? And then wake up one day full of regret when you realize that he was best shot at happiness but he moved on after finally taking the hint. Then do embarrassing things to win him back until you are forced to accept the folly of your decision and then learn how to rely on yourself for happiness. Then he will finally come around and you two jerks can live happily ever after. This also might be a Katherine Heigl movie. Zombie needs to get one of them show-biz jobs.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hi Zombie,
My girlfriend hates that I bet on football games but I just won like 300 bucks and I want to buy her something or take her out. Should I be honest about where I got the money or should I just take her out and if she asks should I tell her that I’ve been saving up? I don’t want to make her mad but I don’t want to stop betting on games either.
Jimmy
Dear Jimmy,
Yes, by all means, keep lying to girlfriend. Secret to long and happy relationship is to do stuff you hope partner never finds out about and then spend half your time covering your tracks and the other half wondering if you covered up tracks good enough. Sounds like you got this thing all sewed up. What you need from Zombie?
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I met a friend of a friend at a party and even though I introduced myself, he called me by the wrong name all night. I let it go because I didn’t think I’d ever see him again but it turns out he goes to the gym I just joined. I see him a couple times a week and he still calls me the same wrong name. I feel like too much time has passed to correct him now but at some point he’s probably going to figure out that he’s the only one who calls me that. It’s kind of embarrassing but I don’t know how to tell him he’s been calling me the wrong name all this time.
Yours,
Not Patrick
Dear Not,
Man, it surprise Zombie how many problems sound like Katherine Heigl movies. Anywhat, if you am not going to change your name or go to a different gym or start acting like you don’t know this guy, your only choice is to start calling him by a different name every time you see him until he finally go “Uh… my name is not Ruprecht (or Percival or Mulberry or Jaiden or whatever)” and you can be all “I know. And my name is not Patrick” and then you can laugh and high-five or do a bro-hug and go out for a night on the town and be best mans at each others weddings and junk. Okay, so maybe this not a Katherine Heigl movie, but if you flipped the genders then it totes could be. Give her a meddling mother and a wacky neighbor and you gots box office gold! You listening Hollywood? Zombie got the hookup for America’s Sweetheart.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Hollywood, you call Zombie.
Or email him. Or whatevs.
He can fix all of your problems. ALL of them.
[email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "If the Camels Don't Get You the Fatimas Will" Edition (January 29, 2014)
Zombie is back again to cure what ails you. Are you ailing? Write to [email protected] and ail no more.
Dear Zombie
Who would win in a fight between Robert Plant and Rob Zombie?
Sincerely,
Harmie
Hey Harmie,
Wow. Just… wow.
On principle, Zombie going to have to go with guy named Zombie. Also, Zombie guy weird and scary and Plant guy all “look at me, I’m pretty.” Totes typical of plant. But on other hand Plant guy is some kind of rock god so somebody going to expect Zombie to have begrudging respect or whatever but Zombie (this Zombie) not about to start having respect for anything with “plant” in the name. If dude were actual god made out of rock, that would be crazy awesome and Zombie would overlook unfortunate name and follow that magnificent so-and-so into the heart of hell!
Oh… sorry. Zombie Editor just tell Zombie that Zombie can’t say “aitch ee double toothpicks” so Zombie pick other hot, miserable place to follow rock god to, like surface of sun or Arizona.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
As part of my New Year’s Resolution to lose that 5 lbs from Thanksgiving, I need your expert knowledge of the caloric content of various body parts. Are brains as high in saturated fat as the FDA claims? If I bake a foot instead of frying it, will it cut the fat in half? Does a pinky finger contain the same amount of protein as a ring finger? Unfortunately, my Calorie Counter App has none of the info that I need. Please help me Zombie, I need to know how you keep that stylish, waifish, ribcage-showing, bony figure that both Redbook and Cosmo are calling decomp décolletage!
Sincerely,
Ineedta Eat
Dear IE,
Zombie see untapped app market for you. Why you aksing Zombie all this junk and not out there doing yer research and writing your codes and offereing your friends small cash payouts to write positive reviews of yer sweet new fitness app? It not even have to be good and nobody even have to keep it for very long. You juest gots to get a couple million suckers to drop a buck on it and then you sell company to larger company for big money and talk about how you just want to continue being a big shot etrepen entrapin idea guy and maybe start a charitable foundation and improve the lives of the less fortunate when we all know what you really going to do is sit on couch all day reading trashy magazines and eating Bugles.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hi if zombies had superpower what would you have huh zombies that and if you have no brain how do you type huh
Noodle Boy
Dear Noodle Boy,
Noodle Boy clearly demonstrate that one need not to have a brain in order to type, so Zombie just going to skip over that part of the question. Except to say that Zombie gots a brain and not sure why ebrybody think Zombie not got one. Zombie keep it in jacket pocket.
As for super power? Zombie would be own Wonder Twin. Just bash knuckles together and be able to turn into any animal but it would be made out of water. That way, not have to find bucket to carry self around in and don’t need some dumb space monkey to act as valet. Also would totally confuse enemies and give Zombie first shot every time. Dig it, “form of a ice dinosaur what also happens to be a zombie!” Tell Zombie, please, even one way how would that not be totally amazing.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Are my best days behind me?
Sincerely,
Feeling Old
Dear F.O.,
Yes. Give up.
yrs,
Zombie
Okay, seriously, what am Zombie supposed to say? Some days pretty good, some days sorta ungood. It not Zombie fault if you decided to have all your good days at once and not save any for later. If you just want to sit around and be a mope because you turned 30 and nothing in your diary from middle school came true (not everybody marry somebody from “Saved By The Bell”) then, yes, best days are behind you. But you know how old Zombie is? 147 years old.* And you see Zombie hiding in bed and complaining nobody understand Zombie? No! Zombie out there doing stuff even if nobody aksed Zombie to or is even paying attention. The deal is this, it never too late to be the you that you could be if you wasn’t wasting all your time being the you you do not like what you are being right now. Cross-stitch that on a pillow.
*completely untrue
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Dear Zombie,
Would you ever marry someone you met online?
Signed,
Thinking About Doing That
Dear Thinking,
Yes. No. What?
Way too many variamables at play here to give straight up yes/no type answer. So let us lay out a few hippo hapa pretend situations, shall we? Am you a feller? Let us say you are and that your name is… Tom. Hi Tom. What you know about this lady? Has you met? Do you talk on phone? Do you just send emails? Has you exchanged photographs? Do she really look like Anita Punt? Is she Anita Punt? Do you know who Anita Punt is? Because why would a striker from the New Zealand Women’s National Field Hockey Team (and fastest woman in world hockey!) be hanging out online trying to meet dudes? Go Black Sticks! It probably not Anita Punt.
Now, let us say that you is a lady. Zombie call you Bridgit. Hey, Bridgit. What you know about this dude? Has you met? Is he nice? Is he a cop? Do he look a little bit like Alexandre Lacazette? Because that going to forgive a multitude of sins, at least in the early going. Seriously, hubba hubba. Who is Alexandre Lacazette? Zombie looked him up. And you can, too. Swoon.
Look, you can marry whatever. Just don’t let wedding day be first time you meet. That super cute in lousy rom-com on cable TV but it bananas in real life.
yrs,
Zombie
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[email protected]
Seriously.
Ask a Zombie: "Bury Your Treasure Where It Can't Be Found" Edition (February 12, 2014)
Zombie makes everything better. Write to [email protected] and let Zombie make everything better for you.
Dear Zombie,
Valentine’s Day is always so much pressure. I try to make my man feel special and appreciated every day, so holidays are just kind of annoying—like, now I have to come up with something better than what I already do, just because it’s some arbitrary holiday? What sort of thing would make you happy on Valentine’s Day?
No Fan of Cupid
Dear No Fan,
How you not be a fan of Cupid? What you got against a little nekkid guy running around shooting arrows at peepul? Hmm… now that Zombie write it down, it do seem like the kinda thing you might want to call the cops about. But Zombie heard Cupid sometimes ride a dolphin, so maybe wait around to see that before you get on the horn to the man to break things up.
Anyhoo, you not gots to celebrate Valentine’s Day. You could celebrate the Roman feast of the Luprecal. Might be tricky if you not into sacrificing animals. So scratch that one. You could celebrate the Norse holiday of Galatine’s Day, just to be… Norse? Or you could go around being all French about it and saying, “Mais non, it eez Galantine’s Day!” but then you might not have boyfriend when this dumb thing roll around next year so tread carefully. Also you sound like Pepe Le Pew.
Oh, Zombie know! St. Valentine is also patron saint of bee keepers, so fill your house with bees as a surprise for your man! Zombie bet he not see that one coming. Or, if you just over the whole thing, Zombie think you could celebrate, “Aw Crud! Taxes Due in Two Months Day!” That should take the starch out of romance right quick
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Say you were on an English vacation with 10 other zombies, and one of the zombies was murdered (or, remurdered) and no one knew who did it, and you didn’t do it but maybe it might seem as if you did, and every other zombie had a good alibi and no reason for the crime. Who would you want to solve the mystery: Detective Chimp, Miss Marple, or Sam Spade?
Mysteriously-
Jules Maigret
Dear Big Jule,
Sam Spade is out right off the top. Zombie got a thing about shovels. That thing not a good thing. Moving on.
Miss Marple? Is she the lady what make the syrup? Zombie not know what she know about solving crimes. And if Zombie (second) life on the line, Zombie want somebody who knows about more than delicious waffle toppings.
So that leave us with Detective Chimp. Well, “leave” maybe not accurate because Zombie totes going to pick Mr. Bobo T. Chimpanzee (not his real name) at the start! He a detective. What is also a chimp! And he wear one of them Sherlock Holmes hats and if anything say “I are serious about solving some crimes” it is one of them Sherlock Holmes hats. You listening, Bumbershoot Scratchypants? Man, if that show had a chimp instead of exotic and handsome leading actor (plus Martin Freeman), Zombie would never miss an episode. Why not Zombie work for BBC? They are just leaving money on the table. Zombie gots ideas!
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Sincerely,
The Real Questions
Dear TRQ,
Funny, Zombie was just hanging out with land-beaver pal last week (you not judge Zombie choice of friends, mkay?). This very question came up and he say, “Oh, I could chuck lotta wood if I wanted to but choose not to because universe gots to have some mystery, eh what?” Actually it sounded more like “squeaky squeaky doodly doo!” but Zombie speak whistle pig so you gots to trust Zombie tramslation. Zombie curious so aksed woodchuck to give a number and he say “Oh, about 8.” That did not make no sense to Zombie so Zombie changed the subject and went back to talking about the Ostrogoths. (A favorite subject of woodchucks.)
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-
Who is your favorite Danish King? I lean towards Harthacnut, but thought you’d have an opinion.
Tak!
Dear Takamatsu Airport,
How am Zombie supposed to pick just one? Harthacnut is a pretty good choice, Zombie suppose, if you likes ‘em ruthless and feared. Zombie partial to Sweyn Forkbeard beacuase his last name was “Forkbeard” and that just straight up awesome. And anybody from the House of Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Glücksburg ranks up there, too. What can Zombie say? Zombie love a man in uniform. But the prize gots to go to Gorm the Old since he died, was buried, then dug up and buried again later. That a pretty Zombie move.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-
I just recently bought a new blender. It has 10 different speed buttons, 1 through 9, and then one that’s called “high.” But I can’t sense any difference between 9 and high. Can you tell me if there’s any difference between 9 and high?
Spinningly,
Fred Waring
Dear Freddy Baby,
Best way to “sense” the difference if you need to be all feely about it is to put a bunch of junk in the blender, leave the lid off, then start mashing buttons and see how high all the junk go. You will need a pencil and a tape measure. And some wet paper towels. And a dog (for to lick up spillage). And two hats. Plus, roller skates, an ill-fitting Halloween mask, three gloves, half a roll of gray gaffer’s tape, an unopened can of Big Red, a pair of novelty glasses, a stapler (optional), 1/2 cup walnuts, and two fairies from the head of a pin.
Also, by reading this you acknowledge that if you cram a bunch of junk into your blender and turn it on without the lid, Zombie not responsible for anything what happen to you ever. Zombie am like the Monsanto of advice. You cannot touch Zombie! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
yrs,
Zombie
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Ask a Zombie: "Playing Their Fiddles and Dancing Their Jigs" Edition (February 26, 2014)
If you are reading this, you have a problem that only Zombie can solve. Don’t try to figure it out, just write to [email protected] and Zombie will make it all better.
Dear Mr. Zombie,
There’s something on my mind for quite some time now. Why are you helping us with your wisdom and advice, when you’re simply after our brains? Wouldn’t that make us enemies?
Confusingly yours, -Anthony
Dear Hyphenanthony,
You want Zombie help or you not want Zombie help? This just a moment in time Anthony. Zombie can help you now and help can be helpful and your life improve and you skip around singing tra-la-la and then maybe later Zombie come and eat your suspicious brain and you go, “Hey, I remember you” and Zombie going to give you the raised eyebrows of acknowledgement and eat your brain anyway. It not personal. It just how The Universe™ is, Anthony. You know how some time you petting a cat and it all cuddly and making motorboat noise and then suddenly it turn around and bite you? Is you all, “Hey cat, are we enemies now?” Just take it for what it is, Anthony. Do not worry about what comes after.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What would you do if you had a Ferrari?
Sincerely
Robert.
Dear Robert.,
Zombie got a few options. Let Zombie lay them out.
First option for what if Zombie had a Ferrari is: Zombie would totes wreck it. Not on purpose, mabey. Zombie just like to go vroomy vroom vroom! Pigeon at the wheel! And crank up the radio for to listen to Katy Perry songs and not pay attention to bend in road.
If Zombie wants to get crafty, Zombie park it outside of your house with a “FREE CAR” sign on it and leave window down and keys in ing igti key part. Then Zombie hide in back seat and when Robert get in to new free car… SNACK TIME. And repeat.
Or Zombie could sell it and buy a bunch of used economy cars and give them to all Zombie friends and start a used economy car gang. Peepul laugh for to see us coming, but our combined gas mileage would make us unstoppable.
yrs,
Zombie
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Greetings,
How are you? Please accept me apology if mode of contacting you will in any way offend you. I want to discuss with you an important issue. Kindly reach me back urgent.
Yours Sincerely,
Miss Rose
Greetings Person Who Am Either a Pirate or a Leprechaun,
You got a itch or something? Just do what Zombie do and rub up and down on tree. Then you never need nobody else to reach yer back urgent.
yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie,
Have you ever been in love?
Yours truly,
Someone Cool
Dear Someone,
Zombie going to decide who am cool and who am not cool. Calling yerself cool is kind of like giving yourself your own nickname. You not get to do that. Otherwise, Zombie insist ebrybody call Zombie “Nickel Nose” or “Jim Jupiter.”
Haves Zombie ever been in the love? Zombie not kiss and tell. What kind of Zombie you think Zombie is? If you answer anything besides “Gentleman Zombie” then we gots us pistols at dawn, friend.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
If the Witness Protection Program were able to place people in fictional worlds, and once there, you would have to play the part perfectly in order to survive, what world would you most want to live in? What world might be really hard to pretend to be a part of?
Mrs. J
Dear Mrs. J,
Zombie want to live inside movie “To Catch a Thief.” Because Cary Grant and Grace Kelly on the French Riviera? Hubba hubba times infinity. It also hardest world to pretend to be a part of because there am lot of beaches and Zombie got sand in his briefs one time and some of it still in there. Wicked uncomfortable.
yrs,
Zombie
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Ask a Zombie: "Don't Want To Be Just Anybody" Edition (March 12, 2014)
Life is too short to be confused. Let Zombie unconfuse you so you can go on living. Tell your problems to: [email protected]
Dear Zombie,
I find cowboy zombies dance according to piano. Does this mean that you zombies have the passion for life inside?
And why don’t you come when there is few plants on the garden? Like at the beginning, when only a potato and several sunflowers are planted? Why don’t “a huge wave of zombie is approaching” then?
Sincerely,
H. Huang
Dear Double H,
If by “the passion for life inside” you mean “the passion for the life inside yer skull” then then answer is ephm epmh totally yes.
And why you suggest that Zombie am somehow going about Zombie job in the wrong way? How many brains you eat in you life? Zombie choking on own rage here. Give Zombie a sec.
50… 49… 48…
Okay, Zombie cool. Look, ebrybody think they know the best way to raise a bratty kid until they have a bratty kid and then they tumble to fact that they don’t know nothing and bratty kid going to do what bratty kid wants and there zip parent can do about it. Same thing with Zombie… sort of. Ebrybody think they know for how to Zombie should be and then they become a zombie (which you will, so don’t worry yer purty little head about that) and they realize it harder than it looks. So when Zombie see you on Zombie side of the garden you just tell me how smart you are then, smarty.
yrs,
Zombie
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Mr. Zombie-
If you had a zombie dog, and had to name it with a name starting with L, would you name it Lockjaw or Lassie?
Ruff-
Caninius
Dear Caninininisusunius,
Am them the only two dog names what start with L? Lockjaw pretty good but unless it giant space bulldog with tuning fork in head, it going to seem like posing. Lassie all right too if you want a dog what never going to shut up about there being trouble down at the mill. What about Lafayette like that dog in The Aristocats? Or Lakshmi? Lyla? Layla? La Cienega? Lalaine? Lenny? Langdon? Lennox? Lex? Laszlo? Lars? Laertes? Lancelot? Lando? Langston? Larry? Lachlan? Lacy? Lucy? Lucifer? Ladislaus? Laine? Laird? Lambert? Louise? Luis? Latifah? Lorie? Lavinia? Levi? Leroy? Leon?
Hmm… Zombie going to go with Lando.
yrs,
Zombie
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Greetings.
I am unicorn currently stuck as a ghost (don’t ask, that’s a long story.) My question was whether your network of underground contacts knows any eligible female unicorn ghosts, or perhaps where to look for some.
Much appreciated,
Moonbeam SkyStar
Dear Moonbeam,
Zombie think mabey your question maybe got lost on the way to “Aks Ask a Crazy Person” but since you and Zombie am here, Zombie give it a whirl.
Zombie actually do know one female unicorn ghost (that on the DL so keep your face shut) but she currently in committed relatiamaship with a Pixie Cyclops and Zombie not have no desire to wreck a relationship as beautiful and fragile as that. You might be on your own here Moonie, until you can return to your corporeal form, anyhoo.
Yrs,
Zombie
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I am the Chairman of the Audit Committee of UOB, Singapore. I know about a secret account worth millions. If we work together, we can lay claims to it without hitches.
Cham Tao Soon
Dear Guy Who is Somehow Not in Jail Yet,
Zombie always up for a good caper. But we gots to get our roles defined if we going to do this without hitches (Zombie also vote it go down without britches, too, but that negotiable). Is Zombie going to be the muscle? Zombie always the muscle in these deals. Frankly starting to feel a little stifled by the role but if you kick in a extra 2% for hazard pay, Zombie is in. Are you coming on this heist or are you directing from an undisclosed location? If Zombie going to be taking the heat, Zombie going to need more than a extra 2%. Who else is in on this? Do we have a wise-cracking demolitions guy what hides his death-wish behind a façade of off-color jokes and who will endanger us all but we won’t realize it until it’s too late? Do we get a past-his-prime trigger man who is in for one last job and plans to retire and marry the waffle waitress he has a thing for so he tells her the story and she acts like she is supportive but she just going to steal his money and ditch him. Do we gets a new kid what is trying to make his bones as a safe-cracker who going to freak out when the heat is on and get us all in trouble with the cops? How many ethnic stereotypes we got on this team?
You know what? This already getting too complicated. Just send Zombie a c-note or I call your boss and tell him what you’re up to. Ha! See how Zombie flipped the script? You could learn a thing or two from Zombie.
Yrs,
Zombie
Seriously, cash or I blow the whistle.
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Dear Zombie,
How is one supposed to eat snack mix (e.g. Chex Mix)? Should one grab a handful and shove it in their face, or is it appropriate to pick up one piece at a time, carefully avoiding the pretzels nobody seems to want? I understand that you would normally eat brains, but I hope you can help!
Best regards,
Hungry but Confused
Dear HBC,
Dude, “hungry but confused” am Zombie battle cry. Only rule for snack mix is to eat as much as you can as quick as you can and to not share. This expecially true of them little goldfish. If you going to eat one piece at a time, make sure you do it hunched over the bowl with yer other arm around it and smack anybody what tries to get too close. If you going to shove handful after handful into yer face make sure you also do that leaning over the bowl so the bowl catch all the bits that fall out of yer mouth and you can try to eat them on the next pass. Make a bunch of noise while you doing it just cuz making Godzilla noises while shoving food in your face is never not funny. If you really advanced snack eater, you could just stick your whole face in the bowl like a piggy at a trough and not come up until bowl is empty. Only downside is sometimes snacks get up your nose. Maybe that the upside. Zombie not remember.
Good luck.
yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie now resorting to answering junk mail. Help a Zombie out, yo.
[email protected]
Ask a Zombie: "Please Make Sure Your Seatbacks Are in Their Full Upright Position" Edition (March 26, 2014)
Zombie had one too many brains last night so is not feeling his best. But that won’t stop him from stepping up and answering all your hard questions. Keep ‘em coming! [email protected].
Dear Zombie
Do you like or not like how the general public views zombies through books and movies? If you don’t, do you try to disprove that view? If you do, do you represent that view? I would just like to know from you, because you’re cool.
From,
Mr. Anonanon
Dear Anonanon (dee dee dee-dee-dee) Anonanon (dee dee-dee-dee) Anonanon (dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee-dee deedeedeedee dee dee deeeee dee),
What you alive types think of zombies is not any of Zombie concern. Zombie not spend a lot of time worrying about how Walking Dead make all zombies look like extras from FM radio station Halloween haunted house. Zombie not go to movies and worry about Bradd Pitttt coming to save all humans frfom zombie (like he gonna stop brushing his luxurious hair long enough to do that). Zombie not going to get into all them arguments about do zombies run fast or slow or can fall in love with alive person (ew.) or be un-zombied. Zombie not even need peeps to tell Zombie what Zombie is cool. Zombie know that (but take the compliment anyways, TYVM). Peepul gonna do whatevs and Zombie too busy looking after Zombie (and looking out for dumb plants) to worry too much what some book guy thinks.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie
Parishioners are so nice that they kill other zombies to keep them from eating there owner’s brains. How can you hurt/eat those kind hearted preschoolers zombie.
From
snorp08
Hey Snorp,
Either you got auto-corrected bad when you was trying to write “peashooters” or you gots crazy wrong idea about Zombie or you totes wrote to wrong place. Zombie got a headache trying to figure this one out. Zombie going to assume you talking about them ugly green plantz and not churchy peepul or little kids and answer ye thusly: Zombie want to live, Peashooter want Zombie to not live. And the battle is joined. Forever and ever, ramen.
What? Sometime Zombie like ramen.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Mr zombie, I ask you this: why the insistence of eating brains?
What flavour do that they like it so much?
And that team football soccer zombie Lord does it?
Atte. Darth Leo
Dear Lippy,
Zombie need brain to get by. High in protein and iron and other good brain meats what help Zombie play.
They just brain flavor. Why that not good enough for peepul? Zombie gots pretty refined palate. Not always have palate, but what is there is refined.
Zombie trying to answer your third question but am sitting on airplane in front of kid what is coughing non-stop but not covering her mouth so Zombie distracted by possibility of catching little kid cooties and also the vest-lady standing in the back smashing a bag of ice on the floor over and over so Zombie now looking for peasant lady carrying a chicken in a burlap sack to complete the flying experience.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
If zombies eat other people’s brains, and the brain is how a zombie comes to life, how are zombies still zombies? I have been so confused on that.
Sincerely,
Wolf Of The Shadows
Dear Wothesha,
You thinking about it too hard. You thinking about it at all which is automatically thinking about it too hard. Zombies not come to life by eating brains. Zombie just is. It not like Zombie lying on ground going “Oh, if only brain would fall into my mouth so I could eat it and be a real boy.” Promise Zombie that not how you think it go down. Cuz that just crazy in the pants.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie if you had a zombie pet like zombie dog zombie cat zombie rabbit and many more and what would you name it and why would you want it ps. Do zombies fight each other for some brains or hall share them From Ghostwolf1468
Dear Ghostwolf1468 if Zombie had a zombie pet like zombie dog zombie cat zombie rabbit Zombie probably name them George Theodoric and Mr. Snugglebuns and if had a fish would probably name it Glenn and yes Zombie would want them because why you get a pet if you not want it ps. Zombie get as many brains as Zombie can get and not throw a fit there am no sharing as Zombie believe every Zombie must fend for Zombieself yrs,Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I was writing because I have questions about you and your amazing race and I was hoping you could answer them.
1) Did you become a zombie through a voodoo curse, some random supernatural activity, radiation, or a plague?
2) Can any zombie become a gargantuar, and if so would you want to be one?
3) Have you ever met your leader Dr. Zomboss, and if so what do you think of him?
4) What do you think of your prime obstical, Crazy Dave, in your quest for brains?
Sincerely,
Crazy Dave’s third cousin once removed
Dear Removed,
Man, Zombie love Amazing Race. Did you see that one where the guy had to eat a whole ostrich egg? That was grody. Zombie not sure how they get them peepul to do all that stuff. Who comes up with them challenges anyway? Zombie want that job.
yrs,
Zombie
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Okay, Zombie is going to go lie down for a while. But when he wakes up he’ll be ready to answer more of your awesome questions. [email protected].
Ask a Zombie: "It Was Homage, Rowland" Edition (April 9, 2014)
Oh. Hello. I didn’t see you there. Me? Oh, nothing. Just thinking about stuff and wondering if maybe I should write to [email protected] and let Zombie help me answer some of life’s seemingly unanswerable questions. Maybe I’ll do that. And maybe you should, too.
Dear Zombie,
Do you like Doctor Zomboss? I bet you’re a hopeless brown coat wearing zombie who does everything he tell you to do. I bet you think you get all the brains? No you get 1%
Sorry for you.
eggabooha
p.s what is better, chickens or anvils?
Dear Egg,
HAHAHAHAHA! Zombie knew it. Zombie am the 1%. Take that, all the rest of you! Return to your meaningless existencesses while Zombie go home to mansion on private island floating in the sky to dine on dry aged brains and bathe in dolphin milk.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Depends. You want eggs or you need something to drop on a coyote in comical fashion?
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Dear Zombie,
If you’ll be in Plants vs. Zombies Garden Warfare, what should you do if you’ll see Chomper?
Russian Nick
P.S. What’s your favorite Game Console? PS3 or PS4 or Xbox 360 or Xbox One?
Dear Nick,
Somebody need to hand Chomper a toothbrush. That what Zombie do if Zombie in the Garden Warfare and see Chomper. Has you seen his teeth? He like some crazy walking purple billboard advermatising pyorrhea. Zombie may not gots lotta teeth but the ones what Zombie got, Zombie take care of. Do Zombie got gum disease? Zombie not think so. But Zombie not really got a dentist so Nick going to have to take Zombie word on this one. Oh, also, Chomper need to start using a tongue scraper. If you see that thing up close, you know what Zombie talking about.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Thems is all fine consoles but for Zombie money (which not a lot, admittedly) best console is still Colecovision. Nick not lived until Nick spend a day lost in Burger Time or Ken Uston Blackjack Poker.
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Mr. Zombie
A lot of people think I am weird do you think I am weird?
This is Me
Dear You,
Pretty much. Don’t forget, Zombie see you when you sleeping. Zombie know when you asleep. Zombie see when you when you sleeping and into your house will creep. So, you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out, you better watch out, Zombie Claus is coming to-night…
Hmm. It possible Zombie no longer know what Zombie is doing.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear zombie
What do you think about plants vs zombies garden warfare? And what is your favorite plant and zombie?
From
LowRider
Dear LowRider,
Zombie dig the new Plants vs. Zombies Garden Warfare available for Xbox One and Xbox 360 and coming soon to PC. Learn more! Sorry, sometimes Zombie go into shill mode. Zombie think any game what lets you do nasty stuff to plants is A-OK. Although Zombie was playing it the other day and it make Zombie all dizzy. Probably just from all the excitement. Also, Zombie not have breakfast that day.
Favorite plant? Any plant what is lying on the ground and twitching. Favorite zombie? (checks mirror) That Zombie right there.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Why is there something rather than nothing?
-Phil
Dear Phil,
Zombie think you need to find some new friends. There is something because something is and there is not nothing because nothing is not. Now go outside and climb a tree or pet a dog or something and stop trying to figure out whether we all just exist as part of a dream you are having or if our whole universe is just one molecule in the thumbnail of a larger being. Zombie know what you’re up to and Zombie think you need to give it a rest.
yrs,
Zombie
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Okay, now go write. [email protected].
Ask a Zombie: "Your Absence Ringing in My Ears" Edition (April 23, 2014)
Dear Mr. Zombie,
Hello, I’ve found myself in a totally weird situation: I’ve fallen in love with a girl I’ve known for exactly a year, today’s our friend-iversary. I’ve asked her to a prom, and she said yes. There’s one problem; I’m homeschooled, as awkward as can be. I have no idea how to function socially, nor how to dance. Given your position in the undead, I figured you might have the wisdom I need. I’ve never loved anyone than myself before, so I’m as terrified as can be!
Thank you, Tony
Dear Tony Toni Tone,
Let Zombie make some wild assumptions. If you home-schooled then prom is… what? A couple cans of Shasta, a bowl of goldfish crackers and the two of you taking turns picking out 45s to play? How you have a prom when entire student body of school is you? And if it literally YOUR prom why there gots to be dancing at all? Mabey you could be all, “Oh, at my school prom is four hours of playing Mario Kart.” You could make theme of prom “Trampolines” or “Squirt Gun Fight” or “Reading This Really Old Set of Encyclopedias.” Why all proms gotta be the same with girls wearing dresses they don’t know they will roll their eyes at 10 years from now and guys wearing suits what make them look like cater-waiters and then dropping a bunch of money on a thing at which 30% of all attendees will end up in tears (FACT!).
What Zombie is trying to say and failing at is that this girl like you so just relax and hang out. But don’t run off to the chapel just yet. Zombie know you not meet a lot of girls in home school but unless you going to also go to home college, you gots a whole lot of other girls to be awkward around in your future.
Oh, Zombie know, invite another girl to Home School Basement Prom and then spend the whole night running back and forth between the two of them while trying to keep them from figuring out you brought two dates. Hilarity will ensue. Guaranteed. Has television taught us nothing? Zombie not think so.
yrs,
Zombie
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MORE ZOMBIE KNOWLEDGE AFTER WE ALL ENJOY THIS AWESOME THING WHAT IS AWESOME AND ZOMBIE NEVER GET TIRED OF LOOKING AT.
GIF no longer available.
OKAY, BACK TO IT. ___________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
A workmate recently told me to tuck my shirt in. I said “no way.” Does that make me a sloppy dresser? When is the best time to tuck your shirt in? Do you think he is uptight?
Sincerely,
Too Cool to Tuck
Dear TCTT,
Best time to tuck in shirt is when you wearing a shirt. Especially if you have awesome rodeo belt buckle. Why you want to hide that?
Why you not want to tuck in shirt? You hiding something in there? You think leaving it out will mask your lack of commitment to ab work? Is it really long and you cinching it with a belt and wearing it like a dress? Is it a Hawaiian shirt? (Entre nous, if you under 60 and not at a Jimmy Buffet concert, please do not wear a Hawaiian shirt.) Am you a five-year-old boy at your uncle’s wedding reception and you are one more Jordan almond away from total collapse? Are you not wearing pants? Then tuck in your dumb shirt.
Do it make you a sloppy dresser? Yep. Is workdude uptight? Yep. Sometimes things are both things.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-
A friend and I are having an argument and know that as a historical figure you will have the definitive answer. In the 1800s, who was a better singer, Adelina Patti or Maria Malibran. I say the latter, thinking that she isn’t taken seriously enough due to her early demise. But what do you think?
Librettotically yours-
Opera Buff
Dear BuffO,
Zombie not want to start a whole thing about who “better” when everybody – EVERYBODY! – know that Malibran died before Patti was even born thus they was not contemporaries so it fruitless – FRUITLESS! – to compare them. Anyway, for Zombie money (eight bucks, American) best 19th century opera singer was Giuditta Pasta. Also her name is a food and Zombie kind of love that.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie
I’m all alone in the house just playing Plants vs. Zombies 2.
I have no friends. Please help me
Luka
Dear Luka,
Sit tight. Maybe eat a bunch of pizza rolls then take a nap. Leave door unlocked. Zombie be right over.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie
What is Zombie going to do when he retires?
I.M. Awesome
Dear Awesome,
Man, it going to be the best. Zombie been squirreling away brains for years (also squirrels) so not gots to spend rest of unnaturally long life looking for them. When shoes wear out, Zombie out. And that day cannot come soon enough. Zombie been hard at work perfecting one-man band set up. It basically just a vuvuzela with a wind chime hanging off it. Zombie going to tour Europe with it and make a few Drachmas. Do they still have those? Zombie not up on current events. Oh, mabey Zombie also catch up on current events. By which Zombie mean finally get around to watching all them seasons of the Bachelor while sitting on couch and eating spray cheese right out of the can. Mabey play some Chuzzle. Also, Zombie could use a pedicure. The world going to be the oyster belonging to Zombie. Zombie gonna eat the peach, or whatevs. Is it a oyster or a peach? Do it matter? Stop trying to confuse Zombie.
yrs,
Zombie