User blog:GamerNerd i/Transcript: It's About (Messing Up) Time - Act VI
//First thing: Yes, I know this is long. I promise to try and keep it shorter next time. I'm pretty sure this is the longest one so far. Second thing: I've had this ready for about 2 days now, but I had surgery yesterday, so that was bad. Third thing: This marks my first "break." I won't be doing PvZ2 for a while, but expect other stuff to happen. EDIT: Son of a glitch I screwed up my Roman numerals again. And I'm supposed to be a Latin student....
If you're new to my writings, start here. If you don't need the exposition, start here. If you just want to see all the stuff, then it's in my user page.
Here we go again... I need to say one thing and that is that I hope the two have made up. Other than that, saddle up and holster your revolver, partner. This town ain't big enough for all this here turmoil...
Transcript
"Good now?" Ai's close up face is the first thing I see.
"I think..." Rotom's buzzy voice responds. "Wow, thiz izzz zzo cool! What's thi-"A gunshot fires from off camera as Ai just barely dodges a bullet. Literally.
"Don't do that yet." He says. "Try flying first."
The camera slowly rises as Ai backs away. He smiles and looks back at N, who's watching carefully.
I also see now that we're in a workshop. The tools nearby are what you'd find in an auto garage, but everywhere else is... Well... every other tool.
Rotom laughs and starts zooming around the shop. "WHHEEEEE!" The footage moves like it came out of some aerial dogfight scene. Then it slowly touches down in front of Ai.
"Thizz is great! Zzzo much more fun than that ball!"
N snickers as she walks closer to Ai. "I told you we should've used this one first," she says matter-of-factly. "Besides, he has the capability to fight too." She raises her left arm. "And if need be, I can take over."
"I know, I know..." Ai waves her off. "Anyway, let's go. I don't think we need an introduction anymore." He opens a portal and walks through it.
N turns and taps the camera. "FYI, his name is Redwing." Then she too goes through, with Rotom following.
The setting is a small, Western town. And by Western I mean Wild West, not just geographic West. A fountain marks the town center, with buildings surrounding it. On the outskirts of the town center is a ranch with a fenced-in pasture connected to a barn. A wagon appears to serve as a home for somebody. More specifically, for the plants. Sunflower's face is plastered on its awning.
Ai starts toward the wagon after looking around. N and Rotom follow.
"It's funny how this is the only time period so far that we actually know what we're defending." N remarks.
"Not really," Ai replies over his shoulder. "We had to defend our ship last time."
N flinches. "Don't bring that up."
The group reaches the door and Ai knocks.
"Be right there!" A voice from inside responds.
"No you won't! I still have to finish responding to this question!"
"Dude, just- Lightning Reed, can you get that?"
Ai is snickering as the door opens. "Typical twins." Then he gets zapped. "Agh- dude!" The Reed looks startled as N and Rotom snicker.
"Sorry, your physique reminded me of a Zombie," he apologizes. "You'd be surprised how often they come around here looking for Chili Bean. They're oddly polite too."
"Chili- oh... OH. Okay." Ai is still a little staticky, but he's okay now. "Mind if we come in? We're tracking something. Led us to this time." Lightning Reed moves out of the way and the three enter.
The wagon is cozy on the inside. There's a distinct Western motif to it, but it's still furnished with modern implements. In fact, the three voices I heard from outside are looking at a computer.
Split Pea’s back head greets at the group. "Oh, it's you. Peashooter told us a lot about you guys.”
“Stop moving! You’re shaking my vision!” The front head insists.
The back rolls its eyes. “Forgive his rudeness, we didn't even introduce ourselves. We're Split Pea. Just call me Backie and him Fronty." He tries to look back, but it just looks like he’s glancing to the right. "Fronty, get your eyes off that computer and say hi."
Fronty turns his head, making Backie face the computer. "You know Backie, even if we're on duty in the Wild West, we still need to answer these questions." He eyes the group and waves a little. “Hi there. And sorry, I just need to do this.” With that, he turns back to the computer with an exasperated Backie rolling his eyes.
"I've heard a lot too," says a deep, gruff voice. On the couch is what looks like a large brown slab. "I'd get up and say hi, but I really don't like feeling my head scratch against the ceiling. I'm Tall-Nut. And uh, yeah, I'm pretty tall." Considering that the "ceiling" was only a little bit above Ai's head, I figured that Shaq would have had a bad time too.
“Right…” N says, looking at the plants. Apparently she’s still nervous around them, despite having seen a lot of them already. “So, has what’s-his-face shown up yet? The boss guy?”
“No, but his goons keep looking for me,” a squeaky voice responds from the kitchenette. Chili Bean lazily lies on the counter. “Especially the bucket ones. It’s a nice change from an aggressive attack, but I don’t get why they can’t grow their own non-sentient beans.”
“That’s easy, Beano.” A plant responds from an easel in the opposite corner near Tall-Nut. “They simply lack a green thumb.”
“It’s not that simple! That space guy someone told us about can do it!”
“He has a good point.”
“He also lives in an environment that’s much more advanced than our Wild West.”
“Quit arguing! Besides, not every Zombie will be the same, even if their type is the same. It’s just like us!”
Rotom stares at that corner briefly while trying to guess why five different voices responded from the same body. Glancing at N, she too is understandably perplexed.
Pea Pod turns around, revealing five heads in one pod of a body. N steps back in surprise, tripping over herself and falling through the wagon door. Rotom hides behind Ai.
“Oh, sorry,” the bottom middle head says. “I - I mean we - Haven't even introduced ourselves. We’re Pea Pod, and we’re in charge around here, to some extent. Say hi guys.” The other heads each shout a different greeting.
Ai clears his throat. “Pardon my friends’ behavior. They’re still a bit, uh, unaccustomed to your varied biologies.”
“Don’t worry about it,” the top head says. “We get worse reactions. It only bothers him,” referring to the head immediately underneath. That head glares up at the top.
Ai chuckles as N recovers. When she comes back into view, there’s black stuff all over her face. She briefly reaches into her shirt before wiping it off with her jacket.
Backie notices before she wipes it off. “Oh, you must’ve fallen into Pod’s spare paints. It shouldn’t be a problem. They're washable. Winter Melon made sure of that.”
“Speaking of which, where are the melons?” N punches him in the shoulder. “What?” He says, turning to her. “You know I didn’t mean it like that!”
“They’re out trying to fix the generator.” Fronty says. “For this computer, among other things. We still have the backup battery, which is how this is still on.”
With perfect timing, Melon-pult comes through the door. “Hey guys, we did it! The generator’s fi-” he stops abruptly, noticing the trio. “Oh, hey, it’s you guys. I remember you… two? Oh, never mind, the little guy got a new body.” Apparently Rotom doesn’t like being called a little guy. He makes a sad boop sound.
“So, what happened to the generator?” Pod’s right head asks.
Winter Melon comes through now. “It’s weird… There was a random button on it that wasn’t there before.”
Ai gets nervous. “You didn’t press it, did you?”
Winter gives him a strange look. “Of course not, we’re not stupid. But who are you?”
“That’s unimportant for now,” Ai says, waving off the question. “But what did you do with it?”
“We pried it off from the generator,” Melon says. “Took a while since it was really stuck there, but we managed. Then the generator started working again. Now it’s just sitting there.”
“You left it alone?” Ai says frantically. “That’s bad. Where is it?”
Both melons are confused. “Behind the cart,” Winter says. “But why-” Ai hurries between them and out the door before he finishes asking.
N looks at Rotom. Both are confused, but they hurry after him. Just before they turn the corner to the back of the wagon, six shots ring out in quick succession. Gunshots, not stuff like a Peashooter firing. N and Rotom stop abruptly. Rotom peeks around the corner.
He catches Ai reloading a gun amid groups of feathers floating to the ground. “It’s always the freaking chickens…” he mutters.
“Okay, so first thing,” N plants her hands on her hips. “Why do you have an actual gun in your left hand when you’re right handed?”
He shrugs. “McCree. And for some reason my left handles shooters and offhands better than my right.”
“Second thing. Why the fuss about this button?”
“Because in this universe, a big red button like that is guaranteed to make Zomboss show up.”
“Third thing… What chickens?”
“They’re very irritating and they’re also Zombies. I shot the ones that were trying to press this button. Don’t worry about gore and stuff,” he mimics a small explosion with his hands. “They just kinda go ‘poof.’”
At this time the plants show up behind N.
“I know the Zombies don’t use guns, but I heard shots being fired,” Lightning Reed says. “Just want to make sure you’re not breaking anyth-“ He seems to notice the feathers floating around. “Chickens?”
Ai nods. “Only a few. Luckily this magazine was big enough to get rid of them.” He spins the rotating bullet chamber and holsters the gun.
“Is that a gun?” Tall-nut asks. “I’ve heard that humans in this time period use them often, but we only ever see Zombies.”
“It is,” N says. “And if I’m not mistaken, that’s a stereotypical six-shooter.” A nod from Ai confirms this, but if you knew who McCree was that shouldn’t have been a surprise.
“So, uh,” Winter Melon gestures with its pult toward the button. “What’s the deal with that?”
“If it gets pressed, then-“ Ai is cut off by a commotion in front of the wagon. “Well, if that’s what I think it is, then we’ll need to fight either way.”
The group heads back to the front, leaving the button. As was probably expected, a bunch of Zombies are advancing on the wagon, led by a Conehead. The troops are varied. A bunch are riding bulls, a lot have some ponchos, and a few are even wheeling out pianos… Because those three things are absolutely terrifying weapons.
Pea Pod goes out in front. “What’s with the party, Sheriff? We’ve been on good terms for a while.”
“Yer right about that, partner.” The Sheriff Conehead speaks with the expected cowboy accent. “That is, until you folks started harboring fugitives.” He pulls out a wanted poster and points to it.
Pea Pod leans in to read it. Rotom hovers close behind to see the poster. It advertises a $500 for those who turn in “delicious brainmeat.” (It also includes an assuring subscript that they have the money. Really.)
“Fugitives?” One of the other heads sounds confused. “If you mean Chili Bean, then I thought we agreed to drop him.”
“Neither do we have any of those brains you guys like so much,” another head remarks.
“It ain’t those two I’m worried about,” Sheriff Conehead takes out a different wanted poster. “It’s ‘’these’’ two. Boss gave us new orders.”
Unrolling the poster, there’s a new bounty underneath the old brainmeat one. Sure enough, there are two impressively well-drawn portraits of Ai and N, considering how most other Zombie manuscripts look. The reward is brains. Which probably means that completing both bounties basically means completing the second one.
Pea Pod leans in closer. “How new is this?”
“Been up since yesterday,” the Conehead says, rolling up the paper. “An’ I assume that you folks ain’t seen it till now, considerin’ how confused you look.”
“You would be right.” Pea Pod glances back at the group. “Allow us some time to discuss the twos’, er, surrender.” Rotom follows Pod back to the group. The sheriff stays, calming his mob.
Ai has taken up a distinct outlaw look. Leaning against the wagon, cowboy hat low over his eyes, arms crossed. He has something in his mouth too. I’m pretty sure it’s a lollipop trying to look like a cigar. N just has a hat on.
“So, uh, bad news guys,” Pea Pod’s main head speaks. “You two are wanted for reasons that I don’t know but can imagine.”
“We don’t want to give you up, but we don’t want to let go of this peace either.” The left head is a bit sad about this.
“What if we choose not to go quietly?” N says. “If us two just challenged them and you guys don’t do anything?”
“That would probably mean that it isn't our fault. As long as we don’t interfere,” Tall-Nut muses.
“But like Pod said,” Chili Bean farts mid-sentence. Because why not, right? “We’re not giving up on you lightly.”
“Maybe you won't have to,” Ai says quietly. Everyone turns to him.
“In theory, it’s also not your fault if they attack you. My guess is that Zomboss doesn’t know about your groups’ peace treaty.”
Backie picks up on what Ai is implying. “Which means, if Zomboss shows up, then he’ll attack us and not just you two.”
“But how…” Winter Melon begins asking, before stopping himself. “Oh, right. The button. I can get it!” He starts moving before Ai stops him.
“Don’t. Knowing Zomboss, he’s going to show up anyway.” He smiles slyly. “Just sit back and watch. Don’t mind anyone sneaking to the back. Trust me.” He beckons to N with a mischievous smile worthy of Rotom. “C’mon N. Let’s give these guys a taste of our Wild West.”
Pea Pod hops ahead first, announcing that the Recreators would go if they can be defeated. He (They?) stress that the plants won’t be helping and that the whole thing was their idea. Sheriff seemed to understand. Ai approaches while N hangs back.
“So you wanna do this the hard way, huh?” the Sheriff sounds disappointed. He and Ai begin walking around each other like a 1v1 trope.
“I don’t know about hard.” Ai’s tone becomes very snobbish. “Well, hard for you guys. But for us two? I’d say it’s fun.”
Sheriff glares at him, clearly not one to engage in some trash talk. “In which case, whaddaya say we crank the difficulty down a bit and start this the old-fashioned way?” At this point they’ve gone 180º. “You and me. Good ol’ gunfight. Count to ten. Whoever shoots the other’s hat off first surrenders.”
“Hmmm… So your boss wants us alive, huh? That’s convenient.” Ai stops in place, right in front of the Zombie mob. “You’re on.”
The timing is odd, but N takes out her phone (which I’m pretty sure isn’t the Tome) and some earbuds and begins listening to some music.
Ai and Sheriff Conehead walk to the middle. They turn back-to-back, each facing their opponent’s group. Rotom hovers near N, who’s singing to herself quietly.
“Can we agree that duels are dumb and immature? Sure.
But your man has to answer for his words, Burr.”
As she sings, the two duelers in the middle begin taking slow paces away from each other. Still back to back, they take steps at the same time. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. N continues singing.
“Hey, how many men died because Lee was inexperienced and ruinous?
Okay, so we're still doin' this.”
Six. “Look ‘me in the eye, aim no higher.”
Seven. “Summon all the courage you require."
Eight. “Then count!”
Nine. “One two three four five six seven eight nine…”
Ten. “Number ten paces! Fire!”
As she hums those last lyrics, Sheriff and Ai do just that. Each whips around and two shots sound. One hat falls, then the other. An orange cone lands first, followed by a classic brown cowboy hat.
Ai smiles and winks at N, who tips her hat in recognition.
The duelers pick up their hats and approach each other.
“For a magic kid, you’ve got some mighty fast fingers.” The Sheriff offers his hand as a show of good sportsmanship.
“And for a decayed undead corpse, your aim is impeccable.” Ai shakes the Zombie sheriff’s hand.
Conehead smiles. “I think it’s called muscle memory. But regardless, a deal’s a deal. You two can go free.” He pulls away from the handshake. “From us, I mean. The boss will still be hunting you, but,” he glances past Ai briefly. “Well, I’ll let him tell you.”
Ai turns around and backs toward the plants. Conehead goes to meet Zomboss in his giant wagon. The wagon is definitely not a Zombot because of its glowing yellow eye and the cow stuck to the back of it. Wait…
The Zombot War Wagon rolls into the neutral ground as inconspicuously as a giant, yellow-eyed, cow-powered robot wagon can.
Ai moves to Melon-pult and whispers, “Who was it?”
“What do you mean? Oh, who snuck to the back?” Ai nods. “It was a chicken.”
Ai rolls his eyes. “It’s always a f- er, clucking, chicken that backdoors…”
“You! Sheriff!” Not even a proper greeting to his ally. “What are you doing shaking hands with this outlaw? I told you to capture him and the girl, not make a truce!”
“Sir, you told me how strong these two were and I would prefer not to cause pain to the town.” Sheriff talks calmly, justifying his decision as a leader. I’m impressed. “So I decided on a more painless way to take them - but this young man right here, got the best of me, and a deal’s a deal” He gestures to Ai, who’s glaring down Zomboss. “And I'd also hate to unearth the hatchet we’d buried with th’ sprouts, if you understand me.”
“WHAT?” Zomboss is really ticked off now. “You accept less than complete victory against these outlaws AND you inspired with the enemy?!?!” He turns back to the townsfolk as the War Wagon shifts from wagon mode to Zombot War mode. “All of you, SEIZE YOUR TRAITOROUS LEADER!”
A Piano Zombie at the front shakes his head. “We won’t turn on our leader, but We WILL help you reign in these two whippersnappers.” He starts playing his tune.
The “normal” Zombies begin dancing and advance slowly as they do. A stampede of Chickens and Bulls charge forward as Poncho Zombies shuffle behind them. An Imp slams into Tall-Nut’s face, launched from its bull.
“We can fight them now, right? I mean, we’re no longer the aggressors.” He says gruffly as the Imp attempts to munch on him.
“As much as I hate to say it, yes you may.” Sheriff is pretty understandably downcast. “They’ll resurrect again, but it’s not a pleasant experience. I was hoping to avoid this.” He takes off his orange cone and puts on a different hat. This one’s rounded and colored green, which is accentuated by a yellow bear sticker on the front and a few random leaves. “Looks like I’m on your side for now.” He and the plants advance on the incoming Zombies.
Ai’s jaw drops as he sees Sheriff’s new hat. He recovers as N begins singing again. This time, it’s much louder and much more obvious. It also seems more… passionate… somehow.
“An old cowboy went riding out one dark and windy day
Upon a ridge he rested as he went along his way
When all at once a mighty herd of red-eyed cows he saw
A-plowing through the ragged sky and up the cloudy draw…”
As she sings, the weather and geography changes to be exactly that. The wind picks up (as indicated by Rotom experiencing some minor turbulence) and clouds roll over from out of nowhere to darken the area. A small hill forms and a figure on a horse came to stand on it. Everything seemed like a mirage though, as if Rotom was hallucinating. But I’m pretty sure Rotom can’t hallucinate so… Seeing is believing I guess.
Zomboss realizes that, again, the Zombies will be distracting the plants while he has to eliminate (or try to at least) the Recreators. “I don’t know what you’re doing, girl, but STOP SINGING!” He fires off four missiles at once, all in N’s direction. N seems totally oblivious to this immediate threat. Around this time the cows were just about coming into vision over the hill.
Ai glows for a second as a cloak that wasn’t there before billows around him. A random tumbleweed rolls by too, as if this whole thing needed another cowboy cliche. “It’s high noon…” Six gunshots go off, and the four missiles explode just before they strike N. The other two gunshots… Well…
“GAH! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???” Zomboss screams as his robot recoils. For what reason I have no idea, but I think it has something to do with his sparking control board.
Ai doesn’t answer, and starts doing other stuff. He throws a flashbang into a nearby group of Zombies and shoots them while staying at N’s side.
She continues to sing.
“Their brands were still on fire and their hooves were made of steel
Their horns were black and shiny and their hot breath he could feel
A bolt of fear went through him as they thundered through the sky
For he saw the riders coming hard and he heard their mournful cry…”
The cows were getting closer and more terrifying with each passing second as the battle of Not-OK-Corral unfolded. I only got creepier as N didn’t sound alone on these next lines.
“Yippie yi ooh,” Several male voices accentuate N’s lone feminine singing. “Yippie yi yay… Ghost riders in the sky.”
And now those ghost riders were all over the Zombies. The bulls came in first, trampling everything but the allied forces. It was a bit hard to hear the next lyrics over Ai's gunshots, Zomboss’ high-pitched, panicked screaming, and the overall chaos of fruit, musical instruments, thunder, mechanical bulls, and various Zombie noises, but I knew what song this was so I’ll let it describe them.
“Their faces gaunt, their eyes were blurred, their shirts all soaked with sweat
He’s riding hard to catch that herd, but he ain't caught 'em yet
‘Cause they've got to ride forever on that range up in the sky
On horses snorting fire
As they ride on hear their cry…”
And at this point N stops singing because she probably noticed how silent it was after that. The mirage of a rider on a hill melted away, and the weather returned to normal. The cloudy riders and their hellish bulls galloped up back into the sky, as if saying, “Whoops, made a wrong turn at the North Star. Sorry guys, but thanks for tolerating our driveby.”
And what a driveway it was. Zomboss is gone, with only a glowing blue note left of his presence. And the Zombies… Well, they didn’t get away. But Sheriff and the plants were already trying to help them get back up.
N takes a deep breath and begins to slump, but Ai is there to catch her. Without another word, he nods to Rotom. Then the screen goes black.