Ask a Zombie/2012
This page is an archive of all Ask a Zombie editions from 2012.
Ask a Zombie: "What is Wrong With People?" Edition (January 11, 2012)
Dear Zombie:
As a spontaneous gesture to my lovely wife, I got her the notebook and pen as you suggested. (See last time. -Zom. Ed.)
I have a list now, but she pinned it to my head so I wouldn’t lose it. (LFG has problems with forgetting where he puts things.)
I have two problems now. 1) I can’t read list, it’s too close to my eyes. Can you help? 2) I need new brain. Pin broke the old one. Where do I find the best brainz?
Thanks! Looking For Gifts (and Brainz now, too!)
Dear LfG(aBn,t!)
Dude, you has lot of problems. Not least of which is holidays over and you still sitting there with note pinned to face, wondering why Zombie not write back yet. Anyway, maybe you should look in mirror? But that make words backward, no? So maybe look in one mirror at reflection in different mirror so you can read list. Okay, you know what? Forget it. This getting way too complicated. Let us get to real issue. How big is “pin” wife used to stick note to your head? Maybe she trying to tell you something. Something that no present going to fix. Think about it. If you can. What with broken brain and all. (Also, Zombie not telling where best brains are. Zombie claim jumpers is the worst.)
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie:
I am trying to think of a good and creative way to tell my husband I am pregnant. Any suggestions?
Sincerely,
Mother-to-Be
Dear Mother,
Zombie think there are couple of ways to go about this and they mostly have to do with unanswered question of whether or not husband is also father. If husband IS father, then you could either just wait until he notices you getting bigger and when he says something about it say “I is preggo!” and then start crying and he will be so embarrassed that he will buy you nice things forever to make up for it. Or you could run around house shouting “Look what you did to me!” and he will be so confused that he will buy you nice things forever because he won’t know what else to do. Either way, you win. If milkman is father, you maybe want to tell husband via telegram from wherever you moved but did not leave new address.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Is it true vegetarian zombies say “Graaaaains Graaaaaiiiins…” instead of ‘brains’?
Dawniel
Dear Dawniel,
Wha-? No, that not true! Who ever heard of vegetarian zombies? What is that even? You are talking some crazy kind of crazy talk. Seriously. What is wrong with you? Vegetarian zombies? Come on!
yrs,
Zombie
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Facebook? Is That Still a Thing?
In which Zombie addresses some of the stuff what people write on Facebook
Ada writes:
FOLLOW THIS STEPS:
1. COVER YOUR MOUTH WITH YOUR HAND.
2. WHISPER YOUR WISH INTO YOUR HAND.
3. POST THIS ONTO TEN OTHER COMMENTS.
.
4. NOW LOOK AT YOUR HAND
Zombie looking at hand. Found tooth. That last time Zombie whisper into hand, Zombie can tell you that.
Keisha asks:
How do you shave if you cannot see yourself in the mirror???
What you think Zombie am? It is vampire what not see their reflection in mirror. Not zombies. Zombie am zombie, not vampire. Pfft. Vampires. (FYI, Zombie am totally Team Jacob.)
Ettienne confuses:
Milking it to the bone, hey?
Zombie think maybe you not know how milking works. Or metaphor.
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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For reals.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. Use the @ thingy. Zombie just trying to cut down on spam.
Ask a Zombie: Questionable Typing Skills Edition (January 25, 2012)
dear zombie,
when do zombies like to hunt for brain, and do people ever run and scream when you are trying to steal their brains?
-Jackson
Dear Jackie-baby,
Let Zombie answer your question with question: Why you not know how to use shift key? You expect to get into college with typing like that? Pfft. Maybe clown college.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
My friend Gets Reallyy Mad When I Talk To My Other Friend And Wants Me To Pick Her Over Her What Should I Do?
Bubby Cat
Dear Cat,
Only way to reallyy settle friend problem is with cage match. Lock them in room together and tell them that whoever come out first get to be your friend. Then when they are locked in room, you go out and make some new friends. Everybody is winner!
yrs,
Zombie
PS: Also pleez find that Jackson guy in letter above and show him how to work shift key. Looks like you figured it out pretty good.
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Dear Zombie, I just turned 50 and thus am feeling like I’m probably approaching death’s door soon. What can I do to prepare myself for life on the other side?
Signed,
Old Guy
Dear Old Guy
Two words: blue pants and brown jacket. You could get red club tie if you want. Maybe put bucket on head. Or orange cone. But you has to buy it. Zombie not advocating stealing from local municipality highway division. Zombie not a scofflaw.
yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie,
Being undead and all I’m sure you can relate to offensive odors emanating from one’s feet. How do you remedy stinky feet? Thanks, in advance, for your help!
Sent from Gabe’s Windows Phone
Dear Phone,
What gives? Why you otto atta right away think Zombie has stinky feet? How you not know Zombie’s feet not smell not like puppies? Or springtime? Or potato chips? Maybe you not judge Zombie until you walk mile in Zombie shoes. Shoes that smell kind of like mushrooms, by the way. Which is only stinky if that not your thing. Otherwise: Mushrooms! Yum!
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
My name is Alex and I am 10 years old when I grow up I’d like to be a zombie so would you please eat my brains so I become a zombie?
Thanks.
A Kid Who Wants to be a Zombie
Dear Kid Who Wants to be a Zombie Named Alex,
Sure.
yrs,
Zombie
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Google+ Corner
In which Zombie addresses some of stuff what people write on Google+
AHAHAHAHAHA! Zombie is kidding. Nobody on Google+. This is all from Facebook.
Thomas agitates
Is it true that only 1% of all zombies get the chance to eat 99% of the brains on a lawn or house?
The more brains Zombie eats, more brains available for other zombies. Don’t aks how it works. Not important how. Important that it do. –Zombie
Kaori menulis
boleh saya ikut membaca koran anda?!
Pasti, datang dekat dan berdiri masih betul-betul di depan saya. Anda akan denda. Percayalah. –Zombie
Lorri saddens
sometimes I’d rather talk to zombies than my own family
Soon whole family will be zombies, then what Lorri going to do? –Zombie
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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For reals.
Besides, Zombie mailbag nearly empty so help Zombie out. You want Zombie to have job, right?
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. That would be silly. Use the @ thingy.
Ask a Zombie: The "Couldn't Think of an Edition Name" Edition (February 8, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
Moustache mode does not work in real life. I’ve tried and I’ve tried, day after day I look at myself in the mirror and no matter what (if I say moustache repeatedly or write it vigorously on notebook paper) I do not grow a moustache. I know it’s worked for you! Help me out here. How else can I attain bountiful facial hair?
Sincerely, Lidia
Dear Sincere Lidia,
There be lot of different methods for making face and head extra hairy. But if Zombie being honest (and Zombie always honest) they are all bunch of hooey. Try them or whatever but don’t blame zombie if you just end up with no money and smelling like onions.
When all else fails (and it will) use big marker and draw moustache on face. Make sure it is permanent type marker for best results. Or use marker to write the word “moustache” under your nose. Zombie think kids call that “meta.”
Send pictures.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
In the spirit of human / zombie goodwill… if we were going to hang out, what sort of movies do you like? Do zombies have a sensitive side?
Yours with love and affection,
Christine the Human
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Dear Ms. the Human
Zombie like kind of movies that make human peepul sit perfectly still with back to door. Not scary movie though because one time Zombie was about to eat a dude’s brain and scary movie made dude jump. Zombie totally chipped a tooth. You know how hard it is to find good zombie dentist?
Anyway, sensitive side? Zombie not really have one of those and if Zombie did you think Zombie going to tell you? What Sun-Tzu say about showing weakness to enemy? Seriously, what he say? Zombie not read that stuff.
yrs,
Zombie
SuperSecret secrets in this message. If you not Christine the Human (or some other Human) you just forget whatever you read here. You hear Zombie? You forget or Zombie going to eat your brain two times. Please advise if your boss not want you reading this at work so Zombie can call boss and say “Lighten up, boss man. You used to be fun. What happened?” Advice from Zombie just advice from Zombie, not from nobody else. Heed advice (or don’t) at your peril. Just don’t complain when you don’t get your way. What are you? Baby?
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Dear Zombie…
How will Seattle sports teams do this year??
Love your work… ADAM
Dear … ADAM …
Seattle still have sporting teamz? Zombie thought all them sold to Oklamahoma or something. Zombie learn something new every day. Okay, let’s see… Zombie not really follow sportingz but will make guess. Everybody going to give 110% and leave it all on field or floor or whatever. Good chance some guy will be gritty and play through pain and maybe take one for team. Oh, and football guys going to honor long history of success by changing name of place they play to “7 & 9 Stadium.”
yrs,
Zombie
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Interesting Public Offerings
Some stuff what people say on the Facebook and what Zombie sez in reply.
Alexa steps in it:
SPEAK ENGLISH PLS!
Zombie just going to let that one sit there.
Laura gets hangry:
DEAR ZOMBIE, Should I have a ham sandwich for lunch or a cheese sandwich for lunch or should I have a ham and cheese sandwich. TELL ME ZOMBIE!!!!!!!!!
Why it have to be one or the other? Make a ham and cheese ham and cheese sandwich sandwich. Take a ham sandwich and a cheese sandwich and put a ham and cheese sandwich in between. Deep fry for maximumness.
Sociablecolt philosophizes:
So ask a zombie and you shall receive?
So it is written. You have not, because you ask not.
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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For reals.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
But do not type “(at)”. That would be silly. Use the @ thingy.
Ask a Zombie: The "Increasingly Inscrutable" Edition (February 22, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
Which Zombie movie portrays Zombies in the best light? And which one do you enjoy the most?
Signed
Wondering
Dear Wondering,
Anything with Steve Buscemi. He is the zombie all zombies want to be. Classy and he look good in a suit.
yrs,
Zombie
PS: Zombie editor now say Steve Buscemi not actually a zombie, but this zombie not buying it.
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Dear Zombie,
I’m a zombie on the go. I don’t always have time to go home and have nice healthy brains for dinner. Sometimes I have to have brains on the run. Do you have any advice on where to find good brains, that won’t take too long to prepare?
Busy-mess Zombie
Dear Biz,
Eating brains like eating walnuts. Just crack open shell and go to town. “On the run” is only way to eat them. If you stopping to cook them, you are doing it wrong because while you getting fancy, other zombies eating all the best brains. Dude, are you even real zombie at all? Don’t make Zombie take back your Zombie Card.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Zombie!
I bought some pants but I don’t like them. Should I return them? They are pretty but they look like pyjamas.
Freya
Heya Freya,
Sounds like pants are cursed. That only reason for how you can think they pretty but you not like them but then you buy them anyway. Or maybe they are just pajamas. Are they just pajamas? Maybe that is problem.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
How do zombies feel about being controlled by a necromancer? My friend is determined to have a pet zombie, he said he would feed it all the brains and body parts it wanted, but I don’t believe that zombies should be pets.
Yours Truly
Ninja Kitty
Hello Kitty,
Zombie not have time for romance. Not to say Zombie not flattered, but Zombie not want to get into a whole thing. Also, if friend say he want a zombie pet, friend is kookoobananas and you should probably not hang out with him so much anymore. Does friend wear eyeliner and want to be called “Shayde”? Maybe friend should listen to some show tunes now and then, just to break things up.
yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie,
How do you hang a taildown pipe?
Rob
Come on Rob,
You shoulda figured that one out before you went up the ladder.
yrs,
Zombie
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Facebook. Where peepul go to say stuff what not make sense.
FreeFace BookCredits promises:
ITS_FREEEEE!
Ooh, let Zombie just click all 500 of your links, then. -Z
Michelle G. notices
Sometimes things get so hectic in life I feel like zombies were eating my brains while I sleep.
That was supposed to be just between you and Zombie. Now errybody gonna want in. -Z
Lynn N.C. exclaims:
THE “S” IS BACKWARDS!
Run! Run for your lives! -Z
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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For reals.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Or just leave Facebook comment by mashing keyboard with fist. You going to do whatever you want anyway. Why Zombie expect anything different?
Ask a Zombie: The Joseph A. Wapner Tribute Edition (March 7, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
I like being online and playing flash games. But I’m also into Pokemon. Should I spend more time playing my favorite flash game website or Pokemon?
Pokemon Trainer Red
PS. What is your favorite Pokemon?
Dear Red,
Who say you has to choose? Decorate computer with Pokemon cards. Put Pikachu hat on monitor. Tape Pokemon cards to fingers and push buttons that way. Ask Pokemens on cards what they want to play then sit quietly and wait for answer. Zombie just spit-balling here, but why you not able to have it both ways?
yrs,
Zombie
PS. Snorlax.
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Dear Zombie
Me and my little brother have had an argument because my daughter nearly knocked over his laptop. His laptop was on top of her toys and he refused to move it. He then proceeded to tell me I am an irresponsible father. Who do you think is in the right?
Yours sincerely
A PO’d brother
Oh Brother,
Suddenly Zombie feel like that shouty lady on teevee what tells everybody they are stupid and guilty alla time. Anyway, who is in right? Your daughter. She wanted her toys so she got them and didn’t let computer get in her way. Zombie not comfortable refereeing fraternal disputes but tell brother it called “laptop” not “niece’s-toy-top.” That should give him clue where he can stick it.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Mr. Zombie,
I am a butler for a man named Bruce, I think he is Batman. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Mr. Pennyworth
Dear Sir,
Zombie think that if you this guy’s butler you would pay better attention. But whatevs. Okay, let Zombie aks you some questions. Where are his parents? Does he have a ward? Do you live in a stately manor? Does he have on-again, off-again thing with lady named Julie Madison? Did you one time find dead bat in his room? Does he have big red phone with no dial? You live in house, right? How you not know these things?
Okay, do this: get a really big first aid kit and wait in the library. If he come home at 5 AM through bookcase and has broken ribs, there is answer. Plus he is going to need some aspirin. Maybe some stitches.
Oh, and good luck cleaning the cave.
yrs,
Zombie
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Facebook Follies
Mario obeys the machines:
be careful people! just post comments! don’t go to the actual site! may be a phishing site? i was warned by my anti-virus not to go there! take this as a warning!!!
Seems anti-virus not tell you about using shift key to make capital letters. It is same key you press to make all those exclamation points.
The Machines respond:
Mario, the site is just blog.popcap.com — no phishing there 
run! Mario!! don’t believe their lies!!! Smiley face is just to trick you! !! ! !!! !! ! !
Ron K, Supreme Overlord at the Gates of Chaos wants to know:
Why don’t zombies eat other zombies?
Zombie not have answer. Mostly surprised to learn that Supreme Overlord at Gates of Chaos is just guy named “Ron.”
Mona swoons:
Dear zombie, I’m in love with a zombie… what should I do? I met him last night, and he was great but… what should I do? Please, help me!
You met zombie and zombie did not eat brain? That was no zombie. Prolaby was vampire trying to give zombies bad name. Stupid vampires.
Lorenz moves to top of list of awesome people:
Shut up and take my money!
That is the spirit. Why more of you not like Lorenz?
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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. Srsly.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Or come over for coffee and we can talk about it.
Then Zombie eat your brain. Problems solved!
Ask a Zombie: "Everybody Loves Lutefisk" Edition (March 21, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
I’m looking for a job so I can live with my girlfriend in Norway, I come from England. Do you have any advice or tips that you could give us to make a good impression in an interview?
Yours faithfully,
D&V
Dear Dandv,
First, make sure you look for job in Norway. That way, commute not so bad. Second thing to remember is don’t take galpal to interview with you. Zombie not been to Norway (Yet! Your time coming, Hans Hansen) but bringing date to job interview probly not best idea. Unless interview is with her parents, you will just make it awkward for everybody. Expecially if you can’t keep your hands off each other. Zombie know how you kids get. And, really, who want to see that? Nobody want to see that. That is who want to see that.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I am bored to death and I already finished all the PvZ games. I am also bored of Facebook and other social network. Being on MSN, Yahoo, Google+ and other also bores me. Besides indoor/internet activity, I’m also bored of the outside activities as well. So, I’m pretty sure that I’m bored with everything and never really get interested in one thing. Any suggestion on how to cure my bored-ness?
Sincerely,
Orange
Dear Orange,
Let us step back and examine situation. You are a citrus fruit what has gained sentience and all you can say is “I am bored”? You should be rolling around the streets announcing to world, “I am citrus fruit and I have one or two things to say!” You would be biggest thing since… whatever last big thing was. However, Zombie assuming you are already off tree (how else you reach keyboard to type?) so you prolaby don’t have lots of time left. Instead of sitting around being bored, maybe you should find other citrus fruit and settle down. Maybe a nice grapefruit. Start a fambly, that kinda thing.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What’s your deal?
signed,
Sunflower
Dear Sunflower,
Zombie just being Zombie. Why you gotta hate?
yrs,
Zombie
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Sweet Tweets. Because sometimes peepul say junk on Twitter.
Elyse brags:
I’ve killed over 32,000 zombies. Wowzer
Zombie does not think that is a thing to be proud of. If Zombie had feelings, you hurt them bad.
Jonna not brags:
Oh boy, the #PlantsVsZombies mini-game “Last Stand” is really killing me. @popcap Thanks. And help me, please?
You do not need help. Plan is working perfectly. You are doing just fine. Please continue.
Cynthia mentions Zombie and Icelandic Pop Star in Same Tweet:
Love that my kids are torn between playing #PlantsvsZombies and @Bjork’s #Biophilia on iPad.
Pfft. Zombie also “extraordinary and innovative multimedia exploration of music, nature and technology” so not sure what is the big deal.
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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. Yes way.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
You won’t be sorry. Or at least not any more sorry than you are already.
And that is a promise!
Ask a Zombie: "Speaking Truth to Flowers" Edition (April 4, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
Why do you hate Plants so much. Can’t you all just get along? How about nuts and the others? Any grudges?
XOXO
Lover not Hater
Dear Not Hater,
Zombie see you have bought into plant propaganda and Zombie is very disappointed. Maybe you should aks stupid plants why they hate Zombie. Zombie just want to shuffle along in search of delicious brainz. But who keeps getting in Zombie’s way? Plants. Do Zombies line up and throw rocks at plants when plants just trying to sit there and make carbon dioxide? No. Do Zombies wait for plants to grow and then step on them until their heads fall off? No. Is asking and answering your own questions to support your argument a overused and obnoxious rhetorical tool? Yes. So how comes it plants always getting up in Zombie’s handsome, handsome face? Look, Zombie only eat plants because plants get in front of brainz. It not out of hate or disrespect or even because plants taste good (they don’t). If plants got out of Zombie’s way, this conversation would not be happening. Game would be called “Plants and Zombies Get Along Fine Because Zombies Just Eat Brains and Plants Mind Their Own Business.™” Plants is the problem, not Zombie.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I’m getting married soon, but my ring finger keeps falling off. What should I do?
Desperately,
Lucky McGee
Dear Lucky M,
Staples. Glue them to inside of ring. Ring go on, staples hold finger in place. Or, make ring out of staples. Same result but you not spend all that money on ring that you could spend on other stuff. Cheap and effective! Errybody wins! Send pictures. Of wedding, not of finger. Nobody want to look at that.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dearest Zombie,
Why haven’t you done one of those “What people think I do / What I really do” memes yet?
Love,
Matt
Dear Matt,
‘Cuz Zombie no good at Photoshop.
yrs,
Zombie
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Help!
My left arm keeps falling off whenever I try to catch a tasty brain. What should I do? I already tried some glue. Help me please.
: D
Dear Colon D,
Use your right arm. Let Zombie know if you need to hear that one again.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I am eloping with the gentleman I’ve been dating for 10 years. His mother doesn’t really like me and is still holding out hope we’re going to break up any day now. How do we tell her we got married?
Sincerely,
Soon-to-be-Bride
Dear Soon-to-be-Out-of-Will,
Why not tell her with song? Here are some lyrics set to tune of “Yankee Doodle”:
Hey Old Lady, we got married.
This is how we tell you.
For 10 long years you not like me
And you probly not goin’ to.
So if you want to, keep it up
But you are my new Mama
Something Something Something Else
President Obama!
That should do it. Everybody love “Yankee Doodle.”
yrs,
Zombie
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Facebook. It helps you overshare with the people in your life even if you just met them that one time at a party.
Kayleigh seems skeptical:
Does he reply?
Sometimes, Kayleigh. But you have to believe.
Caro makes fun and will pay for it:
Dear zombie, I have a sore throat. What can I do? Drink tea with honey and braaains?
Why would you put brains in tea? That is gross. Zombie is zombie, not a savage.
Miguel pushes his luck:
I like plants
Oh, Miguel… poor misguided Miguel. See you soon. Very, very soon.
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Need advice from Zombie? Zombie want to help. For realsies.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
All questions become Zombie property. And when Zombie eat your brain all your thoughts become Zombie property. Zombie not make law. Zombie just enforce it.
Ask a Zombie: The "Rick Steves Doesn't Have a Monopoly on Travel Advice" Edition (April 18, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
I have terminated every single zombie you have been able to throw at me. Have zombies finally given up? It is a shame how pathetic zombies were to give up against me. (I am eleven.) Why don’t you get all of your friends, barge into PopCap’s studios and make them make number two.
Sincerely,
Unbeatable House Owner
Dear UHO,
Zombie know what you are asking, but Zombie Editor not like potty talk so Zombie gonna leave that one alone.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie Dude Guy,
I am going to England this summer. Are there English zombies?
Oliver
Dear Oliver Person,
Too right. Bob’s your uncle. Pip pip and carry on. Keep calm and have some chips, which are not chips like you have but are really French fries which aren’t even French so maybe the English are right except they say “aluminum” funny and put the letter U in words that don’t need it. Alan Whickers, and all that. Prove me wrong, England! Wait, what was the question?
yrs,
Zoumbie
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Dear Zombie,
I have noticed that when you are hunting for brains and the evil plants are attacking why don’t you use plant killer so that way you can get the tasty brains without problems?
Yours sincerely,
Rupert
Dear Rupert
Any time Zombie go to hardware store for plant killer, Zombie get distracted by tasty brains of smart hardware store peepulz and forget to aks where is the plant killer. Upside is Zombie always leave full. Downside is Zombie never find out where they keep plant killer. Zombie win some, Zombie lose some.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I figure you would know a lot about this, so here goes. I have no skull or scalp. In fact my brains are totally exposed. I try to protect them from the sun, but they are too tender to wear a hat or wig. I have tried sunscreen but that makes my brains smell like liver and onions. I don’t know what to do. Any advice?
Signed,
Askinfortrouble
Dear You,
Zombie know what this is. You must think Zombie just fall off turnip truck. Well, Zombie did recently fall of turnip truck but that because stupid turnips pushed. You almost make Zombie come over and pick easy brain. But Zombie know this is a trap. Brains smell like copper and wet mop. Put on sunscreen and they smell like copper and wet mop and coconut. Deelishus, but not liver or onions.
yrs,
Zombie
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Hey Advice Zombie,
I already live in the country. How can I better prepare for the impending zombie apocalypse?
Ryan
Oh, Ryan.
Move to city. Zombie probably going to lose his Zombie union card for telling you this, but city has lot more places to hide from zombies. It make it more of a game for both sides that way. A game you is going to lose, but still a game. Country zombies just have to find that one house in the middle of a field and it is pretty good bet it going to have peepul in it. Country zombies not dumb. They know you did not hide in a hay bale.
yrs,
Zombie
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Need advice? Zombie want to help. For realsies.
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Want to know how to kill zombies? Keep walking, smart guy.
Ask a Zombie: Sunflower Saves the Day Edition (May 2, 2012)
Sunny day, my friends (that’s “hello” in flowerese). Zombie went on vacation. But cheer up: I’m here to answer your questions, and I just know we’ll all have a wonderful time!
Love,
Sunflower
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Hello B-eautiful!
I am happy to contact you. You should contact me again, too. We could be pen pals! I could send you seeds and you can tend to them and we could be best friends forever!
Love,
Sunflower
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Dear Zombie,
Out of all the plants you have eaten which tastes the nicest????
Hope
Dear Hope,
I don’t believe any plants are superior to any others. We plants are ALL terrific! We’re full of vital nutrients, and we make everything so colorful. I wish Zombie could see how great we are, too. Then, plants and zombies could live in harmony! But until then, I’m just going to keep on smiling, even as we wage veggie warfare against those pesky zombies. Hee hee!
Stay hopeful!
Sunflower
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dear zombie,
what does one do when the hearts desire belongs to someone else?
regards,
sad zombie
Dear Sadpants:
It sounds like you need a hug! You should go find one. Also: is the hearts desire a good movie? Is it about a family of hearts desiring lots and lots of hugs? My suggestion would be to go over to the person who owns this wonderful family film, and simply ask them: “May I borrow The Hearts Desire”? If they say yes, ask for a hug, too.
Happily Yours,
Sunflower! OOO (those Os are virtual hugs!)
_________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I’m confused. If the plural of goose is geese, then why isn’t the plural of moose, meese? I have been wondering this for quite some time. And, why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Signed,
Contemplative
Hi Contemplative,
Gee, you sure are full of great little questions! I recommend going outside and getting some sunshine. It’s sooo good for you! You’ll feel better in no time, and you won’t have any more of your silly thoughts. Oh, and you can go for a walk on a sidewalk — without even walking on your side!
Thoughtfully Yours,
Sunflower
_________________________________________________________
Need advice? I’m sure the Zombie will try to help!
Write to Zombie at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
And if Zombie can’t help, who knows, maybe a flower will! Yay!
Ask a Zombie: "Cleaning Up the Sunflower's Mess" Edition (May 16, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
Will you be my friend? I think it would be super cool to have a zombie pal!
With love and adoration,
Christine
Christine,
Here is deal. Zombie will totes be your friend but – and Zombie want to be up front about this – at some point, Zombie going to eat your brain. Might be when out doing kerri kayo Japanese sing-along thing, might be one night when you come home from work, maybe over breakfast… Not sure when it will happen, but it going to happen. If you good with that, let’s roll. Zombie need new duet partner for “Up Where We Belong.”
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Hi, Zombies!
How are you?
I’m teacher in school and want to teach about you zombies to my students! I’m teaching math and science! What do you think I need to teach about you at most?
Greetings from Latvia, we love you!
Arturs&Linda
Dear Both of You,
Zombie am fine, thank you for aksing.
Most important thing for all peepulz to know about zombies is that zombies are wicked hansum. When you see zombies, do not run away. Stay and admire how well put together zombies is. Maybe throw hats in air and say, “Yippee! Here come zombies!” then run to zombies with arms open wide.
Make sure students write this down. Zombie know kid in back is really texting friend and not paying attention.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Hi Zombie,
I suspect my cat of being one of yours. When I’m playing Plants vs Zombies, he likes sitting down on me and that prevent me from playing and therefore from killing zombies. Did you enlist him ? Can cats be zombies? I would like to know if I have to be suspicious of him.
Thank you.
Chloé B.
Dear Chlobe,
Cats is bad news. Period. Don’t know if cats can be zombies because Zombie not get close enough to find out. They all slinky and beady eyes and doing business in your house and bringing you dead things like you need a bird with no wings and smelling like fish alla time. You not live in ocean! Why you smell like fish, cats? Then they sit on you and you all like, “oh nice kitty wuv me don’t nice kitty?” but you move your eyebrow a little and cat scratch you like you just tried to poke it with stick. Cat not love you. Cat just using you.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Hey Zombie,
Why do some of you drop coins? Is it because you sometimes buy brains?
-Jude
What up, Jude,
Zombies carry lot of change for vending machine drinks. Zombie get thirsty some of time and brains not always as juicy as you think. Also, bus driver will not make change.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Zombie,
Why do you only eat brains? I mean you can also eat the other parts of the body.
Ms.Otaku
Dear Lady,
Why you eat doughnuts when tub of lard readily available? Why you eat potato chips when you could just pull potato out of dirt and eat that? Why you eat ice cream when you could just lick a cow?
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Have question for Zombie? Write to Zombie at zombieadvice(at)popcap.com
Have question for Sunflower? Why? Sunflower not care about you like Zombie care about you.
And that’s real.
Ask a Zombie: "Socks with Sandals" Edition (May 30, 2012)
Dear Mr. Zombie,
I’d like to invite you to my birthday party, but I’m wondering if you’ll be a bad zombie and start eating everyone. Will you promise me to be good?
- Andrew
Dear Andrew,
Sure. Zombie promise to be good. Why not? Now make with the address so we can get this thing started. It possible, though, that how Zombie define “good” and how Andrew define “good” are diffurnt. But, as Zombie always say, “You pays money you takes choice.” Oh, did Zombie forget to mention Zombie has appearance fee? Zombie not doing this for charity. This smart tie don’t come cheap.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I am a zombieologist. I study zombies and want to know more about your race. Are there different kinds of brains you like to eat like juicy ones, rubbery ones, sweet ones, bitter ones and more? Also you eat plants to get to brains. Sometimes, you drop plants. Why don’t you eat them?
-Cadence
Dear Cadence,
Sounds like mabey you not study zombies so much as you trying to get Zombie to do your homework for you. But whatev, Zombie play along. All brains taste the same – deelishuz. Some bigger than others, but all are squishy and gray and yum. Zombie think it high praise for humanz that your brains in such high demand but peepulz get all “oh no please do not eat my peepul brain I am using it.” Zombie not sure when peepul forgot how to take a compliment. As for plants, Zombie just do what need to be done. Zombie not like eating plants (not for plants but beacuase Zombie not like to eat things what been on the ground), but plants refuse to cooperate so they gets what they gots coming to them.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Ok heres the problem I’m dating my best friend but he doesn’t talk to me or hang out with me or even put any effort into the relationship at all. I try to tell him this but he always claims that he’s trying too hard to make it work. Then theres this other guy who lives a few hours away who I talk to all the time and we get along and like each other and I want to go visit him once I get a car but I’m still technically dating my best friend. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Between a rock and a hard place
Dear BARAAHP (excuse me),
Zombie sawed this movie. It that one where lady not sure if she should stay with Alec or take a chance on Kevin then at end of movie she is all “I choose me.” So mabey you wants to be like that lady beacuase it sound like you either with some jerkface who live close to you or other guy who you think might not be a jerkface but you don’t know beacuase you not see him and then you have to get a car and drive all that way just to find out mabey he is also a jerkface and why he not come over to you one time instead of making you buy a car just to see his (jerk)face like is he Pasha of Marrakech or something. Either way, you doing too much work.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice from Zombie? Yes, you do. Maybe you not think you do, but who you going to listen to, Zombie or you? Look where listening to you ended you up. So write to Zombie already: ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Ask a Zombie: "You Are Not Leaving My House Dressed Like That" Edition (June 12, 2012)
Geesh,
I wanted to know more about wearing socks with sandals! There’s a big debate about that here in the Northwest. See, it rains a lot and our feet get cold!
Kathryn
Geesh?
Maybe your feet get cold because you are wearing sandals in the rain and your socks are wet. Did you think about that? Zombie think you did not. Here is the thing that is, there is not a “debate” about it. There is just people what wear socks with sandals and people what know better. Do you wear underpants on the outside? Not even Superman do that anymore. Who you want to be like? Superman or guy who not know where underpants go?
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I want to know your opinion, I’m at that age where I’m starting to go grey, should I fight it or just age gracefully?
Thanks,
William
Willie!
Fight it, man! Get that hair stuff that supposed to hide gray hair but turns hair copper. Ladies love that. Grow one side of hair out and comb it over (even if you not going bald – DO IT!). Have a ponytail. Keep wearing 32-waist pants even though you should wear 36. Get a convertible. Shop at that place in the mall that is totally for teenagers (not important which one). Visit tanning booth. Pretend you like Skrillex.* Every time you walk into room say “What up, party people?”
As poet said, “Do not go gently into something something something…” Zombie not remember. Too busy adopting disaffected pose. 23 Skidoo!
yrs,
Zombie
*This is easy one. Everybody only pretending to like Skrillex. __________________________________________________________
Hello Zombie
I need help! I love a girl but she dosent love me back! what Should i do?
–Brandon
P.S.
Did you know that youe grammar is off?
Dear Brandon,
Sounds like you has a choice. Either keep chasing girl what not interested in you (because that is fun and not at all a waste of time) or go make a sandwich. If you just want muse for bad poetry then do that first thing, but Zombie think mabey you just hungry.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Are you “pot” or “kettle” in this scenario?
__________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I’m confused. If the plural of goose is geese, then why isn’t the plural of moose, meese? I have been wondering this for quite some time. And, why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Signed,
Contemplative
Dear Long Word,
Beacuase “meese” is plural of “mouse.” As for other question, let Zombie aks you this, why is it “pair of underwear” but only one bra? What is an occasional table the rest of the time? Zombie could do this all day. Why is cargo on a ship but shipment go by car? Okay, Zombie not want to do this all day. We done here.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I need a presidential candidate who will be an effective leader. Would you think about running? Given we would need good funding and such but I’m not opposed to being a campaign manager.
Thank you!
Disappointed in the Living Candidates
Dear Dis,
You going to have to show Zombie you has money-making skillz. Send $25 USD to me and we can talk. Zombie not have a regular what you call “address” so how to get me $25 USD is for you to figure out. If you going to be the brains of this outfit, maybe you sh… maybe… m… sorry Zombie got distracted by talking about brains. So um… yeah, brains… what was the question?
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Zombie.
Why don’t zombies catch on fire when hit by a fireball or while eating a Torchwood?
Sincerely,
Garret.
Dear Garret,
Zombies are very damp.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice? Zombie standing by.
Type at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
You won’t regret it. At first.
Ask a Zombie: "And Your Ma is Good Looking" Edition (June 27, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
I just got promoted at my job, but I’m workin the nights now, not the daytime anymore. Now for you, as a Zombie, it’s easy for you to come out every night and sleep all day. But I’m a day person as well and I’d hate to sleep throughout the whole day, what should I do?
Brian
Listen Brian,
Zombie not sure why you think Zombie is a vampire. Zombie go out whenever Zombie want. Zombie not afraid of a little sun. Vampires all “Oh no! The sun! My precious skin can’t take it! Look at me, I wear a cape!” Zombie am totally Team Shut Up About Vampires.
Anyway, why you not do what errybody else do? Sleep at the work. Then you has lots of energy for the not-work time.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I have a female friend, whom I have known for many years and have, for the last few months, been smitten by. Do you have any advice on the best way to tell her without damaging our friendship?
Sincerely
L
Dear L,
Why you hang out with someone who is smiting you? You wants to know how to tell her she is smiting you? If she does not know, maybe you should send her to a doctor. Or tell her, “Hey! Quit it with the smiting!” At least maybe you should move over a couple of feet so you out of smiting range.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
I’m from Germany and I… Aaaww it’s so hard to say.. but I think I love you! No I don’t think, I know! ♥ But has our relationship a chance? What do you think? And it doesn’t matter if you want to eat my brain, I have some amazing skills for killing you so don’t try :*.
In love,
L. :* ♥ *hug*
Dear El Hug,
It been a long time since Zombie had what you might call a “relationship” but… what is that saying? “If you love something… don’t spend so much time on backup plan for killing it.” or something like that. Zombie gonna back away slowly now, but thank you for your interest.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Where did you learn to type?
-Oven
Dear Oven,
Mavis Beacon.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
What does your co-worker, Bungee Zombie, do with all of the plants he steals?
Best regards,
Gabe
Dear Gabe,
Two words: compost.
‘K, Zombie not really know if Bungie Zombie composting. Maybe BZ just throwing the plants away. Or maybe keeping them as pets. Maybe it not any of your business. Why errybody care so much about stupid plants anyway? The really corm korn puzzling part is where BZ come from when he drop in. What the grunt is BZ attaching cord to? Zombie can’t really look up to see (stiff neck is unpleasant side effect of being zombie). This been bugging Zombie for a long time. You want to help out Zombie? Answer that.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice? Zombie standing by.
Type at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
You won’t regret it. Until you do.
Ask a Zombie: “Sure Happy It’s Tuesday” Edition (July 10, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
Hello! How are you? I would like to know, if the plants didn’t try to hurt you, do you think you would be friends? I’m very curious. But then again, I talk a lot too. Could we be friends?
From, Grace
Dear Grace,
Can ugly plants and handsome zombies be friends? Zombie think the ship is out of the barn on that one (or whatever saying is). Zombie will never know if plants would be friends because plants never back off long enuff to find out. And here’s what Zombie not understand about plants: everything. How comes it plants just go out there and do what peepulz tell them to do without saying, “Hey, what do plants get out of it?” Plants just stand out there all like, “Durp, I just doing my job, duh-huh” and peepulz all like, “Do what I say, dumb plants, and then some of you gonna get eaten and the rest of you I will just leave out there but don’t question me for I am Alive Peepul!” Or do plants just like killing zombies? That seem heartless even for plants. So plants is either totes selfish or really dumb. Zombie going with “both.”
Could Grace and Zombie be friends? That depends how Grace feel about plants. And how Grace feel about Zombie sooner or later gonna eat your brain.
yrs,
Zombie
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Mr. Zombie,
Why do you eat brains? They are tasteless and squishy. In my opinion they are bland (they taste like runny eggs). Unless you put salt on them. But why don’t you eat your own brain, you don’t have to go around eating ours. At least you get some vegetables when you eat our gardens.
-Maeve
Hello Maeve,
You am, of course, entitled to your (incorrect) opinion. Not everybody has tastes as refined as Zombie. As for why Zombie not eat Zombie’s own brain? The very question is red redik silly. What would you say if cow wrote you letter to aks, “Why not you eat your own ribs instead of eating ours?” Besides, Zombie not have a mouth that reaches top of head. And for Zombie “at least get some vegetables” that like saying, “oh at least you get some lead when you eat old paint.”
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie, (Or Mr. Zombie, Dr. Zombie, Zombie Sr., Sir Zombie III, however you like to be addressed.)
I’m sure you probably get many brain and lawn invasion related questions, so I’ll ask something different. What do Zombies do when they aren’t hunting for brains? Do you do any recreational activities? What about TV? What do you watch, if anything?
P.S – Settle this dispute for me, Zombies and other horror creatures can only take so much stereotyping, correct?
Sincerely,
Vlad the Ever-thirsty Vampire the fourth.
Dear Vampire,
Zombie not have a lot of time for TV as looking for brains takes a long time. Zombie work very long days, not just sleep in and only go out at night and sneak up on peepul what are sleeping. We can’t all live in castles and wear fancy shirts and sparkle in the moonlight or whatever.
Anyway, if there is time, Zombie love “House Hunters.” It give Zombie a pretty good idea where all the exits in peepuls’s houses are.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. This is where P.S. go.
__________________________________________________________
Dear Mr Zombie,
I have a really annoying classmate at school called Spencer, what should I do?
Best Regards
Kevin
Dear Keving,
Quit school. Or quit Spencer. Or tell Spencer to quit school. Or is school called Spencer? Can school quit you? This is hard one to answer. What do Spencer do that Keving find annoying? Disagree with you about sports? Borrow your stuff and don’t give it back. Get good grades without trying? Quote your favorite movie all the time but get the quotes wrong? Sing “Do-Re-Mi” but always stop on “Ti”? Maybe problem is not that Spencer is “annoying” but that you is not annoying enough. Zombie think maybe Keving need to take long look in mirror.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice? Zombie standing by.
Type to ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Don’t leave Zombie hanging.
Ask a Zombie: "You Wouldn't Like Me When I'm Angry" Edition (July 25, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
Now that Click and Clack are leaving their show, I hope you’ll be willing to take over my car advice:
When I press the accelerator, I hear a “wooo-wooo-wooo-wooo-tink-tink-clunk”. In winter, if it’s very cold outside, it’s the same but without the final clunk. What could be the problem?
Thanks in advance,
Roger
PS: It might help to tell you that I drive 1996 Tiburon.
Dear Roger,
Click and clack is sound Zombie knees make when Zombie walk up stairs. How does noise get a show? There is great many things Zombie not understand. Anyway, if Zombie had to guess – and Zombie have to guess because Zombie not even have a car but if Zombie did that would make things way easier… hmm… Roger give Zombie lots to think about… Okay, anyway, where was Zombie? Click, clack, car, thing… right! Okay, Zombie back on track now. When you step on accelamarator you hear weird noise? Did Roger hit something? Get out of car and look. Or maybe woodland creature crawled up under hood. Poke engine with a stick and see if anything comes out. Zombie just spitballing. What problem probly is is that Roger is driving a car from last century.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I was born in west Philadelphia, and lived there my entire life. I spent most of my days chilling out and relaxing by the playground, or shooting some basketball out by the school. but recently a couple of guys who were up to no good started making trouble in my neighborhood. I just got in one little fight and my mom got scared, and told me “You’re moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-air”. So I took this bad smelling cab with a license plate that said “Fresh” to my new house (it looks like a kingdom), paid the man, and told him “Yo, homes smell you later!” I just have one problem: I know nothing about living like a Prince in Bel-air, do you have any advice?
William
Dear William,
Who can turn the world on with a smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well it is you William, and you should know it. With each glance and every little movement you show it. How will you make it on your own? This world is awfully big, William this time you are all alone. But it time you started living. It is time you let someone else do some giving. Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have a town, why you not take it? You gonna make it after all.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Sir/Madam,
Please find attached our latest press release.
Kind regards,
Markus Pohl
Dear Sirmam,
Please find attached Zombie’s level of interest in latest press release.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Did you find it? No? Exactly.
__________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
First, do you and the other zombies get along? Second, why do you eat our brains? and third, what style house and lawn do you like to invade most? Please reply.
Peter
P.S, what happens if you get bitten by a zombie, and struck by lightning 15.379548 seconds later? Also, i’m writing a zombie novel. Could you give me any information on zombie habits?
Dear Peter,
First, Zombies get along okay. It not like we have big hug parties or nothing, but we are corg korj polite enuf. Second, if you has to aks, you will not never unnerstand. And third, Zombie like one-story house with no doors. But style of house not so big a deal as long as it gots peepul in it. Zombie will find a way. There. Zombie replied. What does Zombie win?
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. You gets to be awesome for about 15 seconds. You are writing a book? I hope you has a copyeditur.
__________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
How do you get more free plants?
-Brian
Dear Brain Brian,
Wha- who- wha- IT LIKE YOU NOT EVEN KNOW ZOMBIE! Creezy. Zombie not mean to yell, but has Brain been paying attention? Why come you think Zombie going to help you find plants? Unless you is looking for plants to run over with truck back and forth back and forth until there is no plants left. Is that what Brain want free plants for? Because then Zombie on board with your sweet plan. But if you going to just put them in your yard and say, “Okay plantz, you are free to hurt zombies” then no dice. Anywayz, if you want to find plantz, go to the saddest place you can think of and you probaly find a bunch of them there. Plantz is sad is what Zombie is saying. And not “boo hoo” sad.
yrs,
Zombie
__________________________________________________________
Need advice? Zombie standing by.
Type at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
It is better to regret something you have done than something you have not done.
Ask a Zombie: "Have an Egg Roll" Edition (August 8, 2012)
Dear Zombie
Why can’t you just make brains? Wouldn’t it be easier than hunting for them and fighting plants?
From
Tyger101
Dear Introduction to Tyger,
Oh, capital idea! Let Zombie just get right on that. It is funny becuz Zombie has had this basil ganglia in pocket forever and did not know what to do with it. This will be perfect! How long you figure making brain gonna take? Fifteen? Twenty minutes? Oh frabjous day! Now Zombie finally have all the brains Zombie could want. Why did Zombie not think of this before? Zombie tired of accessing available resources when Zombie could just sit on ground creating something from nothing. This gonna be so great! Everything coming up Zombie!
Zombie have an idea for you, too! Why not you just assemble enough molecules to create a corn dog? Would that not be easier than driving to the mall and buying one? Now beat it, kid. You bothering Zombie.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I currently live in Colombia, a country where zombies are not a discussions topic, however, theres a few people who always make wishes like: ”I wish to get trapped in a mall and then the whole city turns into zombies like resident evil”.
So, I asked myself… Why do you go after plants in the first place? Why don’t you go after humans? Isn’t brains your favorite dish?
And a final request, what do you think about Metallica’s latest record along with Lou Reed, LULU?
Always yours,
Juan S.
Dear Juans,
So, one of two things is happening. You is either really bad spokesman for Colombia, or Colombia is a really weird place. Which one it be, Colombia?
Anyway, Juans, Zombie is going after humans but humans put plants in the way. The End. All this plant against zombie stuff is humans’s fault. Time for humans’s to own up to damage they are causing.
And a final answer, does the Metallica/Lou Reed record have “To Sir With Love” on it? Because if it does not have “To Sir With Love” on it then they should not be allowed to call it “Lulu.”
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Yesterday I had a conversation with my parents. Well, it was more of a yelling match. They told me I had to get married. I asked them “Who said?” They said it was “The age”. I asked them, “What if I don’t? Am I going to expire? Am I going to rot like meat? Are my limbs going to fall off?” They said “Yes”. Does this mean if I don’t get married by the time I turn 30 that I will turn into a Zombie? If so, can I be the crazy ol’ Zombie cat lady? Or have other pets? I like animals. Can zombies keep pets? Thank you so much for your advice
Thank you,
27/f
Dear Old Maid,
Sounds like parents maybe not understand how aging works. From what Zombie remember, when you turn 30 your Lifeclock turns red and that is how you know it is time to report for “Carousel” so you can be “renewed.” You can run for Sanctuary but Sandmen gonna come after you and do you want that? That Francis 7 is bad news. Anyway, Zombie not even sure if Sanctuary is real. Zombie fell asleep after scene with Farrah Fawcett.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Well zombies,
i hear you have a email now, which also means you have a computer, and i know that you guys dont own a computer so im pretty sure your in someones house eating brains right now. Anyways, hows the plant eating going? i see that you guys have scary big zombies in the roof levels. i think you should get a girl zombie in the game! i think that would be pretty cool! so are we friends, or are you just looking to eat my brains? cuz i would like to have some zombie friends. i think that would be cool!
Love From
T. Goldstone
Dear T,
There are good stones and bad stones and curbstones and gladstones and touchstones and such stones as them. There are big stones and small stones and grind stones and gall stones, but Goldstone is a gem! There are milestones, there are mill stones. There’s a cherry, there’s a yellow, there’s a blue. But we don’t want any old stone, only Goldstone will do! Moon stones, sun stones, we all scream for one stone. Mr. Goldstone we love you. Goldstone!
Sorry, Zombie distracted by song from musical “Gypsy.” Zombie not like much but love some Sondheim. Did you want something?
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Can really REALLY stupid people become zombies?
Dr. Ahmed
P.S Why doesn’t the Earth fall?
Dear “Doctor,”
Zombie come right over and we can get a answer. Stand by.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Because it is flat and floating on water. Zombie thought everybody knowed that.
________________________________________________________
Is there a Mrs. Zuckerberg?
Zombie responds to some “friends” on “Facebook.”
Leonardo demands: Why don’t you answer the questions?
Becuz you did not say the magic word.
Yeo Han angles: Dear Zombie, when will the zombie apocalypse begin?
When? Do you think Zombie would explain if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? It started 35 minutes ago.
Mico inquires: how can u finish that sudoku puzzle when its upside down
How does anybody finish a Sudoku puzzle? Upside down, upside right… either way they not make sense.
________________________________________________________
Has a stupid question for Zombie? Zombie standing by.
Type at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com where (at)=@.
Ask a Zombie: "Back to School" Edition (August 29, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
Why every time I watch a movie there’s always a zombie clown? I hate clowns. Is there something much more creepier than a clown? Always smiling… when nothing it’s funny.
Ninochka
Dear Ninochka,
EVERY time you watch a movie there is a zombie clown? If this give you sadface, Zombie might have solution. Zombie going to type this real slow so you don’t miss it:
Stop… watching… movies… with… clowns… in… them.
Zombie not always sharpest tool in shed, but it seem simple even to a Zombie. Maybe there is something at play here Zombie has not considered?
Also, there is a Greta Garbo movie you should check out but Zombie not remember name of it.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear i,
Zombie is dumb? Zombie not the one using Comic Sans.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Why don’t you give up on invading the same house over and over and try a different one?
from,
Mr. Ribbons
Dear Mr. Ribbons,
Because Zombie is not a quitter, Mr. Ribbons. If Zombie stop trying every time some live person get lucky, Mr. Ribbons, then live peepuls start thinking maybe zombies a bunch of pantywaists. Zombie, Mr. Ribbons, not want live peepuls thinking they can get away with alla the dumb stuff they try to get away with.
Zombie knew a Mr. Ribbons once. You not by any chance a small dog what lives in a purse?
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie
In middle east animals brains is served as food. So why don’t zombies try eating animals brains as well and bring an end to the fight with the humans?
yours,
Nader
Dear Nader,
Let Zombie clear up miss misk wrong thing you are thinking. Zombie not in a fight with humans. Zombie going to eat yer brains and you going to try to resist and you is going to lose. Zombie not “fighting.” Zombie coming for what Zombie needs in face of feeble attempts to stop Zombie. Maybe you call that a “fight.” Zombie call it “doing what need to be done.”
Anyway, zombies in the know can tell you that animal brains is poor substitute for the real thing. It like suggesting to guy what likes steak, “Hey some people eat animals they find dead in the road. Maybe you should do that instead of fighting with cows.” Yes. It is exackly like that.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear,
RE:- INSTRUCTION TO DELIVER YOUR TRUNK BOX IN OUR VAULT WORTH THE SUM OF (US$7.5Million)
This is to notify you about your compensation fund that has been approved for payment.
You are hereby informed that your fund has been brought from Africa to Safe Deposit Centre London, for Safe keeping and delivery of this box to your home address. I must advice you to be serious this time, to enable our company deliver your trunk box to your home address.
Note that if no seriousness is seen from you, we have no choice but to cancel your file. We have no time to waste in this transaction any more.
Yours sincerely,
Martin Walker
Dear Probably Not Martin Walker,
Zombie upset by assertion that Zombie take things with no seriousness. Zombie have big big plans for human cash windfall. Zombie working Zombie’s way to London (now that Olympics are over, it a little easier) so youse just hang onto bucket of monies. If Zombie gets there and you don’t have it, you going to see all kind of seriousness.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
FACEBOOK FOOFARAW
Ashu shouts:
hey zombie, Y U NO CLOSE YOUR MOUTH?
Hey Ashu! Zombie not have lips. Y U gotta rub it in?
Gil who is also bad at capitalization wonders:
hey zombies,are you ready for zombie apocalypse
Dude, Zombie IS the zombie apocalypse. What you think?
Mark abbrevs:
Dear zombie: How soon can we expect the apoc? lol
Unless you are 13, please stop using “lol.” Are you 13 Mark? Are you?
________________________________________________________
Have a question for Zombie?
Type at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com where (at)=@.
Zombie standing by. Zombie would like to sit down but can’t until you write.
So stop being selfish already and write.
Ask a Zombie: "The Ol' Community College Try" Edition (September 12, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
I need help on my homework. What is the conversion of 480 cm=
Tinzo B.
Dear Tinzo,
Zombie not from Canada and Zombie also not “Jeeves” but will give this one a shot. Though it might help Zombie to know what Tinzo wants to convert centimeters to. (Just scratching surface here but Zombie already think Zombie getting to core of Tinzo’s problem.) Anyway, 480 cm is 4.8 meters or 15.758 feet 188.976 inches. But if Tinzo converting for volume, then it is about 162 ounces or 1.26 gallons. But if Tinzo trying to convert air pressure then it about 6825 psi or 470 bar. Do not quote Zombie though. Zombie just pulling numbers off top of head or possibly internet conversion calculator.
Zombie notice that Tinzo claim to attend school in the UC system. UC system have reputation for only taking biggest brains (Go Gauchos!) so based on Tinzo not being able to make basic conversions, Zombie have to believe that either Tinzo is some kind of flim-flam man who flimmed (or flammed) his way into UC system or UC system is trading on a reputation what it has not earned. Any UC Regents wanna weigh in? Seems maybe you let guy in who not even understand Base 10 and that seem more like a CSU thing. (This not a trick to find out where you hiding so Zombie can eat your big Regent brain, but Zombie not promising that won’t also happen.)
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I have so many questions for you! First, in the early levels of the game, why don’t you just walk on the brown ground where there are no plants or lawn mowers? Second, once you eat someone’s brains, do they die or become a zombie? And how does one become a zombie? Third, what do you think is the most annoying plant? Fourth, why don’t you try sneaking in through the back door instead of a head on assault? And lastly, what is it you like so much about brains? I think you should open your palette to some internal organs. I know I have a lot of questions, so I want to thank you for devoting some of your time to answer them.
Sincerely,
Ira
P.S. How do you feel about Hypno-Shrooms?
Dear Ira,
1. Zombie not walk on “brown ground” (Zombie think you mean “dirt”) because zombie not like to get shoes dirty. Also, Zombie have raging case of plantar fasciitis and grass is softer.
2. Zombie not know what happens after Zombie eat a brain. Zombie not really care either. Goal is to eat brain, not get bogged down in undergraduate metaphysics. Do you eat a cheeseburger and then wonder what will become of wrapper?
3. Hypno-shroom. Why anybody devote their lives to turning friends against each other? Seems mean, even for stupid plants.
4. Back door? Why Zombie just now hearing about this?
5. Too many questions. You make Zombie hungry. For brains. Stop trying to pass off lesser quality product!
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. It worth repeating, Hypno-shroom is a jerk.
________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Zombie
I’ve seen you’re reading that newspaper all the time. After years of reading… did you complete the sudoku?
Dany
Dear Mr. Dany,
The answer is no, and here is dirty secret reason why: this whole time Zombie has been shambling around eating brains and getting into fights with plants, Zombie just looking for a pencil.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Digger Zombies,
Why u no dig and go direct into the house and eat brains?
Yours,
Phoe
Dear Phoe,
Name of column is Ask a Zombie, not Ask All the Zombies. But Zombie want to help so asked Digger Zombie and Digger Zombie said reason he no dig and go direct into the house is because coming through subfloor make too much noise and give him away. Actually Digger Zombie just said “Muh-huh?” and then shoved a bunch of gravel in his shirt. But Zombie think the gist of it was got.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie
Why can’t you just make brains? Wouldn’t it be easier than hunting for them and fighting plants? And risking your life. “Why not you just assemble enough molecules to create a corn dog?” you said to tyger 101, but we are not risking our life. Why don’t you ask zomboss? Beat that, zombie
From
Asim
Dear Asim,
If you are eating corn dogs Zombie not think you can claim that you are not risking your life. Do not misunnerstand, things on sticks are mabey greatest human invention but do not let Asim kid Asim about health benefits of deep fried tube of unidentified meat. Zombie getting hungry just thinking about it.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Junk Mail Jamboree
Zombie gets a lot of junk email. Let’s answer one. Shall we? Yes, let’s shall!
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Your FavoritePremier Goth/Darkwave Radio Station
7 September 2012—New York City, New York, USA—W*** is New York City’s original Dark Alternative internet radio station . We play the newest dark and dance music and live to satisfy any Goth’s hunger to embrace the more sinister and mysterious side of life.
Okay, Zombie going to have to stop you right there. Why errybody think Zombie all dark and gloomy? Don’t be fooled by the whole “shambling undead” thing. Zombie like a lot of different things and most of them is not Skinny Puppy.
________________________________________________________
Have a question for Zombie?
Type at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com where (at)=@.
Zombie standing by. Zombie would like to sit down but can’t until you write.
So stop being selfish already and write.
Ask a Zombie: "20% Handsomer Than Before" Edition (September 26, 2012)
Dear Mr. Zombie,
I’m going to college soon, but I’m a bit nervous about EVERYTHING. Do you have any advice? Love to hear from you soon!
-Anthony
Dear Anthony,
Zombie not sure Zombie went to college but thinks everyone can accept some universal true things about higher edumacation.
1. You will fill out long list of questions for housing office and your first roommate will like opposite of everything you like.
2. If you only get “freshman 10″ yer doing it wrong. College is for bulking up so you can live off blubber after you graduate and not have any money. Go for “freshman 50.”
3. Adjunct professer planned that lesson 10 minutes before class started. Tenure perfesser has not planned a lesson since 1978. Do homework accordingly.
That about all Zombie know for sure. Oh, except when you turn 25 you will wonder if mabey you shoulda just gone to trade school. The answer will be “yes.”
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I have been looking at scary stories but I can’t sleep. Do you know how to actually sleep after a scary story?
Ethan B.
Dear Ethanb,
Zombie know what you talking about. One time Zombie stay up too late looking at seed catalog and had to go watch a buncha monster movies for to erase the horrible visions. So Zombie recommend monster movies right before bed. That is what the ticket is.
yrs,
Zombie
_______________________________________________________
Dear Zombie
I have one tiny little question, what is √ of pi? I want all the numbers without cheating.
From Max
Dear Max,
Square root of pi is punkin. Write it down.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I have a problem. (Well, no kidding, because otherwise why would I send you a message) Whenever I have to go to dance lessons, I get scared. I sometimes even get so worried, I make myself feel sick! I’m worried that when I go to dance class I will hurt myself (again) or the teachers might yell at me for doing something wrong! Irish dance teachers are very tough to please. What can I do?
Sincerely,
Smellies
Dear Sincere Smellies,
Zombie have question about your question. And that question is this one right here. That was not question. Question is here. Well, right… okay here is question: is problem with dance teacher what is Irish, or with a teacher of Irish dance? Because if it the first one, Zombie not sure Zombie wanna address your weird prejudices. How can you reduce entire group of people into one… What is that? Zombie not even… If it second one, what can Zombie tell you? Errybody think they is Michael Flatley. You know who is Michael Flatley? Nobody. Except maybe guy named Michael Flatley. He is prolly still Michael Flatley. Anyway, mabey you need to take up different kind of dance. Or Gymkata. Is Gymkata still a thing? You could totally bring that back.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear A Zombie,
I think you’re so funny and cute- well, in a newly reanimated corpse sort of way. Do you have a girlfriend? If so, what sort of romantical things do you do for her? Where did you take her on your first date?
Zombie Fan
Dear Zombie Fan,
Zombie think mabey you hitting on Zombie. Zombie not sure how Zombie feel about that. Partly because Zombie not have time for relationship and also becuz how Zombie know you interested in Zombie for Zombie and not just doing research for some zombie romance novel? That Zombie’s gig so back off, sister. Also, Zombie Binged web site you say you work at hoping it maybe a cupcake blog but found out is something crazy different. If it could be, Zombie face would be very red.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Have a question for Zombie?
Type at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com where (at)=@.
Seriously, Zombie mailbag got a hole in it so now it almost empty.
Write to Zombie. Then Zombie tell you what to do. Win win!
Ask a Zombie: "How Many Licks Does It Take?" (October 10, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
Do you think I should wait for that one particular college that I want to attend if they’re full or try applying for another one?
-kerranika
Dear kerranikanikanikkerranikanikanikkerranikanikanik,
By all means, put all eggs in one basket. That way when you do not get into that one school and you don’t have a fallback school then you live at home and work at Parade of Shoes for a year. That going to help Zombie out a ton since Zombie already know where you live and won’t have to try to find you at some new place. Thank you for not making Zombie have to update Rolodex.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Mr. Zombie,
Why do you give us time to plant sunflowers and peashooters while you only send in weak zombies? Why not send in like 50 Gargantuars at once while we’re still planting our first few plants?
-Amber
Dear Ambah,
Becuz Zombie like to see look on your face after you spend all that time to get garden all planted and then Gargantuar come through and squish everything without hardly trying. Hoo boy, Zombie wish you could see it. Totally worth the setup. Zombie laughing just thinking about it.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
How can I eat a brain when there is a skull in the way and I have no blunt object and we happen to be in a padded room.
lil monnie man
Dear Mr. Man,
Skull is like lollipop. Just keep licking it and you will get to gooey center. Things not as hard as you trying to make them.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Hello Zombie-
I am going on a date with an English Professor this weekend and I want to make a good impression. Should I wear a dress or something more casual like jeans? I figured you would have experience in this area.
Thank you!
Dating Dope
Dear Double D,
Is date guy a professer of English or is he a perfessor who is from England. Much depends on your answer. If he a guy what teaches English then you doing him a favor by just showing up. Wear a muu-muu and mismatched snow boots and he will propose to you. Easy peasy. Doesn’t matter. If he is a guy who is English then you is gonna have to be a little more la-di-da. Prolly wear a corset and a powederrd wig. Maybe one of those crazy hat-that-goes-on-your-forehead things like Princess Beatrice (sorry, Zombie cannot spell “fascinator”). Regular guy think you are furniture. Fancy English man think you are fish-and-chips or whatevs English guys say for things they like. (If it sounds dirty or insulting, that is how you know it is a compliment.) Anyways, if guy is English English Proffesor then wear a flowery hat and carry a carpet bag and remind him that Bob is his uncle.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I’m thinking of growing a garden in my backyard. But I can’t decide what kind of plants to grow? What plants should I start with?
From,
Sander
Dear Sander,
Let us take a lesson from your name. No plants are the best plants. Why not make it all sand? Sand feel good between your toes, never needs mowing, and good for practicing beach volleyball. Who does not love beach volleyball? Nobody Zombie want to know, that is a for sure thing. Why everybody always “oh I want a nice garden. Wouldn’t some plants be nice?” But then you spend all your alone time out there pulling weeds and feeding stupid stupid plants and watering them and making sure they are okay and why do you want to spend all that time taking care of something too dumb to take care of itself? Seems like lot of work for not so much return. It is like some crazy plant hip hypp whammy been put on everyone and they not know it. Plants not in it for you, pal. Plants only in it for plantselfs. Fight the power.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Have a question for Zombie?
Type at ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com where (at)=@.
Zombie want to help. Why you not let Zombie help?
Don’t be like that. Zombie thought you was friend.
Ask a Zombie: "Rainy Days and Mondays" Edition (October 24, 2012)
Dearest Zombie,
My history class is SUPER boring and even my teacher agrees with that. I was thinking you could come and teach instead, but I know you are a busy guy, hunting for brains, dealing with plants, and keeping Dr. Zomboss pleased. What can I do to keep third period from lulling me to sleep?
Thanks in advance,
Sick of Social Studies
Dear Sicko,
Finger puppets, bawdy limericks, musical theater. You can do these things with the teechur’s help or do them quietly at your desk to pass the time. Or you can do them loudly at your desk and that will get you sent out of class and then you can go outside and get some fresh air. Fresh air is good pick-you-up. Zombie has lots of energy from being out of doors alla time. Zombie gonna be looking for your big, flabby, not-learning-nothing brain. Book learning makes brains kinda gamey so thanks for agreeing to provide delicious snacks for Zombie.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
How do you get out of the friend zone?
-RW
Dear RW,
You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension — a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into the… wait, no, that not it.
Sorry, dude. (If you are a dude. How am Zombie to know?) Friend zone is a trap. Maybe if you save adorable woodland creature from certain doom (trick is to do it while person is watching) then maybe that help. Or just start wearing really tight pants. Even if you stuck in friend zone, you gonna look real good.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Should I go for interview for a club’s chairman? My teacher nominates me for that but I don’t know if I should go. Please give me some advice.
Thank you.
Yours,
Georgina
Dear Georgina,
Like most things, it depends. Is chairman job for teacher to push off menial tasks onto someone else? Will you be in position of authority or will you just be making copies and organamizing bake sales and going on coffee runs? Because Zombie think that unless it is appointed post in which you get to wield immense power completely unchecked while having a legion of underlings to do your bidding and take all the blame when people get mad at you, then it totes not worth it. Otherwise, you just an intern.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I run a business. I regularly email my clients and customers with nice detailed letters explaining everything they need to know. Everything they need to know is also spelled out on our website. But I still gets tons of emails with dumb questions that I’ve already answered at least once. What is the best way to deal with people who won’t read information for themselves?
Thank you!
Sick of Dimwits
Dear SoD,
HAHAHAHA! Yeah. Zombie not understand peepulz. Anyway, just stop sending information. Srsly, why you spending so much time on FAQ when all you getting are QFASTBPDRE (Questions Frequently Aksed Several Time Because People Don’t Read Email)? If that not work then refuse their custom. Say unto them, “Your question has been asked and answered! Asked and answered! Asked! Answered! Fie upon you. Fie!” Or just take deep breath and roll with it. Peepulz is busy what with driving small peepulz around in minivans to kickball games and playing explodey jewel games on phones (often while driving the minivan – Zombie say oh THAT is good idea!) and whatnot. They not haves time to read.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
If you were to run for president of the United States, what would your platform be?
Taramisu
Dear T,
Windows.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
You has question. Zombie has answer.
You might not like it but Zombie not hear to sugarcoat.
You want the truth? Zombie can handle the truth.
Type at Zombie over here: ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com
Ask a Zombie: "In the Shadow of John Tyler" Edition (November 7, 2012)
Zombie:
Have you ever considered running for president? You would win on the undead votes by a landslide.
–Mystic
Dear Mystic,
That sounds like a great idea! Zombie would be tip-top leader. Zombie have lots of ideas how to improve whatever situation needs improving and is ready to promise anything and then just do whatever afterwards. When is next election?
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
If I like a guy should I tell him even if he is dating someone else?
-Seriously Confused
Dear SeriCon,
Probly depends on how you feel about person he is dating. Do you want to go out with this guy or just make errybody’s lifes miserable? Or does you only like guy becuase he dating someone else. Are you like dog chasing car? Are you only into it for the running and barking and then you catch up to it and not know what to do with it and then you just kind of turn around and go home and hope nobody aks you what the heck that was all about?
Here’s what you do. Tell him and then run away like you are in fourth grade. Wait, are you in fourth grade? Then just do what comes naturally which is probly just the thing what Zombie just said.
Or, you know, leave him alone and go get your own boyfriend.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I work in an office. It’s pretty much a cube farm. I just moved to a different floor and a new girl sits behind me, though we’re not in the same department. I’m trying to be nice to her as she is new but she is extremely annoying. She talks and talks and talks and has nothing to say. I have work to do and I don’t have time to be her studio audience. What should I do?
Signed,
Christine with bleeding ears in Manhattan
Dear Christine Whose Last Name is Really Long,
Turn around to listen but stare at her ear the whole time. Every 30 seconds make lout “WOOOOP!” noise then act like it did not happen. Instead of nodding and mumbling “mm-hmm” a lot, rise from your chair suddenly, slap your forehead and shout “GREAT CAESAR’S GHOST!” but, like, in the middle of her sentence. Eat popcorn while she is talking then every once in a while try to throw a piece into her mouth.
Or just put on headphones and hunch over your computer but if you do that too long, your body going to stay that way.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
Riddle me this. If you feed me, I live but if you pour liquid on me I die. What am I?
Anonymous
Dear A,
Zombie not usually respond to unsigned letters because that is coward’s way out, but even Zombie make eks esk break rules sometimes.
After cogitating for a bit, Zombie figure you could be a coupla things. Possibly Batman villain The Riddler from the ’60s TV show or something that needs food but can’t live in water… so some sort of land mammal? Mabey a reptile? A land mammal or a reptile who just finished eating a Popsicle® or just got a joke book? How do you not know what you are? Some questions not even Zombie can answer for you.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Weird thing happened in Zombie email box. Dig it:
Hi,
My name is Laura Matthews and I would really love to tell you how blog.popcap.com can rank even better in Google.
I’m a SEO expert working at SEO Persona and while doing
a research for some of my colleagues I found your email address and
decided to contact you immediately.
If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional information
and all the details needed to make it happen.
Thanks a lot,
Laura
SEOpersona.net
AND
Hi,
My name is Jimmy Bohannon and I would really love to tell you how blog.popcap.com can rank even better in Google.
I’m a SEO expert working at SEO’s Site and while doing
a research for some of my colleagues I found your email address and
decided to contact you immediately.
If you are interested I will be happy to send the additional information
and all the details needed to make it happen.
Thanks,
Jimmy
seossite.com
Hello Laura and/or Jimmy,
It is kinda weird that Zombie got your emails right in a row and you both said exact same thing. What are odds of that happening? Zombie think maybe you two should get to know each other.
Anyway, here is the deal: Zombie not have any idea what either one of you is talking about.
Also if you are a growed up man and still going by “Jimmy” and you do not drive a tractor or play the sports for money, then you should know that nobody is gonna take you seriously. Might as well wear tie-dye and start all your sentences with “according to Wikipedia…”
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Have a question for Zombie?
Write to ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Zombie love you and want you to be happy.
Ask a Zombie: "We Attack the Fort" Edition (November 20, 2012)
dear Zombie,
i really have nothing to do during the day and i get bored
i wanted to know what could i do to keep me active
i already play P vs Z so don’t suggest
yours boringly
Joshua
Dear Joshua,
You could start by lurning how to use the “shift” key.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
My friend is in serious trouble. She is really unlucky, maybe even cursed, and everything is going wrong with her.
She needs money, she needs love, she needs a new camera, and she needs more lucky. What can i do for her?
And what if she is a lion….?
-Bigger Than Friend
Dear Biggie,
If friend is really a lion then Zombie question her need for new camera. Unless she just wants to take pictures of zebras faces right before she eats them but that seems cruel, even for a lion. Sounds like friend needs to date a rich photographer. Are you a rich photographer? Do you know any rich photographers? Why you standing around here and not out there finding rich photographer for friend who maybe or maybe not a lion. What kind of friend are you? Beat it. Friend not finding any rich photographers on her own. Sheesh.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
I live in a world that takes place after a worldwide apocalypse. Some individuals have been mutated into what are known as “ghouls”, but take offense to being called zombies. Are there any terms you dislike being called by those whom aren’t living-impaired?
- Littlepip
Dear Pip,
Interdimensional email! Neat. That Zombie favorite kind of email. Anyway, Zombie only know about zombies in this world, not in whatever place it is you living. Zombie not expecially care what you call Zombie. Ghoul, living-impaired, fancy pants – it do not matter. If you want to waste all your time trying to be sensitive (or are looking for ways to be actively unsensitive) it not going to save you. You just keep spending alla time wondering what to call Zombie, but when Zombie get there you just going to be all “AIIIEEE!”
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
So Zombie,
I herd that you think brains are good.
Have you ever had Rabbit brains?
Yours,
Miss Smith
Dear Missmith,
Zombie is not a rabbit zombie. Also, rabbits are crazy fast and just run away from Zombie unlike peepulz who stay in their houses and think boards on windows is going to stop Zombie and not just trap them inside when Zombie gets in. So… no. Zombie has not never had rabbit brains. Maybe if rabbits were not so smart, Zombie would try but there not a shortage of slow peepul brains so Zombie is good for now.
yrs,
Zombie
________________________________________________________
Dear Zombie,
With the upcoming holidays coming up, have you celebrated Christmas before? Also, do you think brains taste good with bacon? What about beans?
Thanks for your time,
Josh
Dear Other Josh,
Every day like a holiday when you am a zombie. And Zombie mean that in the “opening presents and seeing what is inside” sense and not in the “getting into arguments with family peepulz” sense. Zombies surprisingly cordial.
Anyway, Zombie not celebrate holidays in any formal way. We tried gift exchange one time but everybody ate brains before giving them to other zombies so we just decided to eat whatever we had and then get together later for singing the Zombie Carols.
And Zombie not know a lot about bacon but heard that English zombies like beans (they put beans on EVERYTHING). This Zombie like regular brains. Don’t know why anyzombie want to hide the flavor.
yrs,
Zombie
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Zombie am thankful for your questions.
So send more. Send to ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Now time for pie!
Ask a Zombie: "King of the Franks" Edition (December 5, 2012)
Dear Zombie,
OK here’s the problem I’m dating one of my exes again and things are going great except that my friends and mother basically hate him. This may be partially my fault because I did talk badly of him after he dumped me but who doesn’t take being dumped badly? He also is to blame for them not liking him because we don’t exactly have the best history, he left me for another girl and then realized his mistake and is now back with me. I think I made the right choice to forgive him and get back together with him but obviously my friends don’t agree. Is there any advice you can give me on how to convince my friends and family to give him a second chance?
Sincerely, Eternal PeaceKeeper
Dear EPK,
Let Zombie see if Zombie gots this straight. Problem is yer friends not wanna give this guy a second chance? That is the problem? Yer friends? Are the problem? Friends? Problem? Are? Zombie admit Zombie not always sharpest tool in the shed but Zombie think maybe somebody could have ended that letter after about 11 words. But Zombie not Dr. Phil so Zombie gonna run with it. Make this dude wash errybody’s cars. Twice. And make him sing “I’m Sorry” song at top of his lungs the whole time. If errbody not have car then make him wash windows or pick up dry cleaning or clean grout in bathroom or whatever. Zombie could do this all day. Friends not gonna give this cat a second chance so might as well let them have some fun with it.
yrs,
Zombie
P.S. Your mother wanted Zombie to tell you that she is very disappointed.
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Dear Zombie,
I heard Zombies do not actually like brains. That is just a ruse to get at your curtains. They really fancy themselves interior designers. What is your take?
Yours controversially, Cara
Dear Cara,
Zombie take is that you should utup-shay about the terior-in-ay esigner-day. Mkay? Cripes. Zombie think Zombie can trust somebody with a secret…
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Can you dance? If so can you teach me? I dance like I have 2 left feet.
Ray
Dear Gamma Ray,
You has two left feet and you not sharing with your Zombie pal? That kind of selfish. How many feets does one guy need? Zombie been hobbling around on just a right foot all this time and you walking around with extra left one? Zombie not think you “that guy” but whatevs.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
My 64 year-old mom is addicted to Plants vs. Zombies. She has my father watering her Zen Gardens every day. (Yes, she has 8 of them.) Is this the first step in your Zombie Apocalypse plan?
Sincerely,
Pang
Dear Pang,
No. First step of plan is to get your father to stop watering plants. Mabey you can get to work on that and then Zombie come over and Pang and Zombie can hang out. Zombie promise not to eat Pang’s brain.*
yrs,
Zombie
*Zombie not really promise that.
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Dear Zombie,
How do I deal with backaches?
MA
Dear Mom,
Zombie have no idea. This is dummest riddle ever. Not sure why you not just tell Zombie. Wait… oh, sorry. Zombie read that wrong but Zombie get it now. How do you deal with backaches? Okay, srsly, Zombie have no idea. Roll around on a tennis ball? Get one of them beady things what like taxicab drivers use and wear it like a shirt? Replace your spine? Hire some big dude to carry you everywhere like a baby? Stop doing the thing what makes yer back hurt? Lift with your legs! There it is. Lift with yoor legs.
Write it down.
yrs,
Zombie
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If you don’t have the answer. Maybe Zombie does.
Anyway, Zombie gets lonely when you don’t write. So write.
ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com.
Ask a Zombie: "In the Bleak Midwinter" Edition (December 19, 2012)
Zombie got a bunch of holiday-type questions so that’s what this one is all about.
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Dear Mr. Zombie,
I am hosting the family holiday gathering this year, and I have a bit of a problem. Among the guests will be two vegetarians, one vegan, one gluten-free, one lactose intolerant, and one who can’t abide the smell of cinnamon in the air. How do I accommodate a large group of people with such disparate needs?
Sincerely,
Hostess with the Mostess
Dear Ms. Mostess,
Prolly depends on what kinda party you want to have. Or if you want to have the party at all. One option is to make a whole bunch of roast beef and Swiss cheese sandwiches. That probly gonna make a lot of guests cranky but then there is good chance you won’t have to host the party next year, so there is that.
Zombie think your only choice is cabbage soup. Cabbage soup for all! Maybe add beans if anybody demands protein. But then you have to have dinner with the windows open and if you don’t live someplace hot that going to be a problem. This dinner party getting worse by the minute. But it might make roast beef and Swiss cheese sandwiches seem like a good idea for next year.
Final option is to just get new family. This bunch seem like a lot of hassle. Zombie not even know how to address whatever person “can’t abide smell of cinnamon in the air.” Uninvite that one quick. Unless you can alter molecular structure of cinnamon so it smells like something else.Can you do that? Can you?
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What should I get my mom?
Did you lose a toe?
-Citrus Hunk
Dear Hunk,
How about certificate (suitable for framing) admitting that you failed as a son becuz it is less than a week from Xmas and you still not know what to get for your mom. No? Okay then. How about one of them blankets what has sleeves. You don’t have a lot of time so you might as well get something that says “I did not spend any time thinking about this!”
Did Zombie lose a toe? Yes. But it was one Zombie found on the sidewalk so easy come easy go. If you find it you can keep it.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie-
Once, when I was little, I believed in Santa Claus. But now that I’m older, I don’t. However, I think I saw someone dressed in red wandering around on my roof near the chimney. Should I be worried or excited?
Thanks for the advice-
Steve Strange
What up, Doc?
Zombie pretty sure Sanity Clause only come on December 25 so if there is some dude on your roof it is probably a ninja. Maybe Krampus. Anyway, close the flue just in case. You do not want no part of either one. If you has some sort of amulet that nothing evil can bask in the glow of for long you might want to keep that handy.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
Does the “tradition” of gifting someone a fruitcake still exist? And if so, why?
Probably Adam
Dear Whoever,
Zombie not sure why you put ironic quotes around “tradition” and not “gifting.” Or “fruitcake.” Why you not just “give” someone something? Why you hafta “gift” them a thing? Zombie bet you also say “utilize” instead of “use.” Better you not get all fancy britches on Zombie.
Anyway, fruitcake thing still exist because stand-up comics still talking about it. Oh and that one bunch of monks keep making them. If you can get one of them monk fruitcakes you is in business. Otherwise Zombie suggest you use it as a footrest or a very heavy hat.
yrs,
Zombie
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Dear Zombie,
What are you plans for the Mayan Apocalypse? Seems like wiping out all life on earth might be bad for your dietary interests.
Stay safe,
Alexis
Dear Alexisese,
Okay, this one not strictly holiday question but it sorta timely so here goes.
Zombie not too worried about it. If all life on earth wiped out, what Zombie having for lunch is not high on list of Zombie problems. Also, Mayans have terrible predicting things record. They totally called Citizen Kane for Best Picture Oscar in 1941. You know what won? How Green Was My Valley. Mayans not even see that one coming! So everybody just calm down.
yrs,
Zombie
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Help Zombie start the New Year off right.
Send your questions about life, love, and heating and air-condition repair to:
ZombieAdvice(at)PopCap.com
You’ll be glad you did. And so will Zombie.
Also, if you asked or don’t know and are still reading, Plants vs. Zombies 2 will be out in 2013.